What should I do if my mom wants me to quit my job to take care of her?

I echo all the good advice you've already been given and just want to say prayers for you and all of us dealing with abusive parents who need caregiving assistance and/or are in denial about their true needs and the natural realities of aging. May we not abandon ourselves in the process of trying to be perfect daughters and sons, and may we find the love and support structures we need outside of our families if necessary. 💜

Think this through with a clear head. Do not quit your job to take care of your mother. Because what will happen if you do, she deceases and then you try to find another job? What are the chances that you'll be able to?

Do not quit your job. Simple as that. Try to only do the errands after work. I know that is easier said than done and takes time to explain to your mom over and over again. I had to lay down law about times and well...now prolly have had to remind her more than a dozen times what times we come over daily. And what times we do not. It is difficult cos you still worry. A lot of times it is self-preservation that goes both ways ...ie; you need your time but sometimes you know it will be so much worse if you just dont give in and do it. This bit about the hoarding of food...oh...we deal with that constantly. She will eat expired food and freezer burned, old tasting things and throws a fit about the food whining we are bad ones about the food thing. Or shell even blame us and we have nothing to do with it. Same way with the hurtful things about you she said or trying to say you are the one ill. Its a hard road. Your husband, pets and the job need attention just as much. Im only child so I am constantly feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment but hub will remind me...shes lived her life, and she could have had happiness by now and that its not my fault she isnt happy. Trust me...no matter if you quit job or stay in it your mom will bring it up. When mom had a previous medical issue seven yrs ago...she still brings up situations about my part time job being reason her medical care didnt turn out way she liked. Think about it this way...would you ever do that to anyone...make them take off two days in a row for hours at time? No. Only our moms think they "deserve" that lol x well, you gotta laugh or youll cry x hugs x

Here's a sobering thought. What would mom do if you dropped dead tomorrow? Life would go on wouldn't it. So don't let that nagging conscience get the best of you.
Also, just saw this week that they think stressful events and Alzheimer's are related. Don't know if this will hold up later but gives all caregivers something to think about

Same thing happened to a friend of mine. His dad insisted that he just quit his job and take care of him! Since his father is worth over $20 million and offered to double his salary, he decided that it was best to go along with his father's wishes.

I did this as I loved my Grandmother and she had a $2.3 million cash trust which I was a 50% beneficiary, actually she had an AB trust which meant I was already an irrevocable beneficiary since my grandfathers death in 2006, sadly I only learned his after her death when I discovered after Pradaxa overdose and strokes she secretly cut me off yet never told me! using me as an indentured servant nearly 2 yrs! She led me off a fiscal cliff with the help of her attorney who knew I was care giving 24-7 with my girlfriend's assistance as she required help bathing and toileting every 4-6 hrs around the clock! as well as changing bedding every morning, cooking, cleaning everything.
Suddenly aster her death I was treated like dirt a parasite etc which could not be further from the truth.
I had to get an attorney and fight my sister who never did a thing and even failed to invite our Grandmother to her wedding and a daughter of mine in LA who was always begging her great Grandmother for a new disaster. I mediation they offered my $100k out of $2.3 million.
The lawyers ended up with $700k of the $2.3 million and I am now facing suing her attorney for malpractice hiding a B trust disenfranchising B trust beneficiaries!
Her tax man became her POA then trustee which I learned later is a huge conflict but nobody cared as far as judge etc!
As you can imagine her trustee became the cliche worst nightmare imaginable , keping a $64k car against her instructions for 2 yrs put 7 000 miles on it causing $6k damages also nobody cared, in fact he tried to hide $1 million I knew existed and only after I provided statements I saved I was able to prove it otherwise the trustee was going to keep $1 million cash!
Plus I learned he was fined $19k bt FINRA in 2006 for failing to use due diligence a fact he hid from my Grandmother too.
Trusts and probate are a ticket to steal with little to no repercussions! NEVER use a trust, there is 0 oversight and was has oversight is ignored! I regret ruining my life to provide exemplary care for my Grandmother I was an EMT years back and truly treated her as royalty . Care givers are looked at like losers and parasites!.
I had a $24 hour job in HVAC at the time I quit and it was the worst decision I ever made.

So sorry for your situation Ken Ken. But what do you mean " never use a trust"? So are you saying the financial plannners who handle IRA's can do any thing? Sorry if this sounds stupid.

@kenken If it's an irrevocable trust then the beneficiaries cannot be changed. Not sure why you were cut off then...

Pearl. That's my question as well. It sounds like tax person who became POA is highly unethical.

Well, it's been two weeks today that mother and I had that run-in (described in my first post)...so yesterday morning I got a call from her number and when I answered it was our local fire department - she'd called 911 because she was feeling dizzy. They said that after initial review of her symptoms they felt that EMS should transport her to the hospital ER. And I agreed. EMS reported that she'd left the stove on (again-I don't think they know this isn't the first time).

I've not heard a word from the hospital - but can report she was admitted for further tests and so far hasn't had any significant indications of a heart attack, stroke, etc. They seem to be having difficulty pinning down the reasons for her dizziness. She has asked them NOT to contact me. Told the SW that her daughter leaves and goes to Florida for 6 months; and when I'm home (3 miles away) have not been taking care of her. She lives alone and no one takes care of her. Poor thing :(

If you recall in my first post I listed the number of agencies and people that I've hired to help her - only to have them call me and tell me that she's fired them. Time after time she finds reasons to dismiss them.

So now it's up to the medical management team to try to figure out some home care (or other arrangement?) for her so that she's not alone. She admitted she needs help but it'll be interesting to see how long she tolerates 'the help'.

So I'm feeling upset and stressed that I wasn't able to take her into my home and retire from my job to take care of her. She and I are like oil and water - and that arrangement would last all of a week before one or the other of us would have breakdown...it just would not work.

I'm sure one of the reasons she does NOT want them to call me is that I'd tell them the other side of the story; about her mental state the last time we talked; her anger and her abusive spewing of hatred and accusations of my mental health being in question (accusing me of being schizophrenic)...at any rate, I'm sitting on the sidelines for this one.

She'll be discharged in a couple of days - it will be interesting to see what they figure out for her post-discharge care. I'm all out of ideas and resources to help her.

Sue, i wish devoutly that we could get others in your position ( folks with unreasonable, inflexible and angry elders) to step away and let the powers that be step in.

If your parent has real needs, then EMS, APS and social welfare organization will ARRANGE for care. If she fires THEIR help, they will arrange for emergency guardianship.

Sue - continue to stay out of it, as you are. Your mother did you a favour when she went no contact. The system will take care of her. Feel no guilt. There is no way you could
possiby have taken her into your home. You and hub need your own life.

SueGeo, thanks for the update. Keep us posted on what transpires.

SueGeo...I read something in your last update that didn't make sense based on other things you wrote. So I'm thinking could it be a Typo? You wrote "So I'm feeling upset and stressed that I wasn't able to take her into my home and retire from my job to take care of her. She and I are like oil and water - and that arrangement would last all of a week before one or the other of us would have breakdown...it just would not work. "
Why are you seeking upset and stressed about that? I thought you knew it was the right decision.

Harpcat, I'm upset/stressed now because she's in the hospital - taken to the ER by EMS yesterday - and she's told the SocialWorker there NOT to call me - because we 'had a falling out'. I have to wonder if the SW asked her the reason for the 'falling out'? If they're getting the whole story? Probably not - as it was only her screaming at me (see the whole story in an earlier post) - I only responded 'ok', 'ok' - in a calm voice - because I figured there was no sense in getting into an argument with her (or anyone else) when they're that angry. She was furious at me...and I believe the basis of her anger (wasn't just about the shopping trip cut short) - is due to the simple fact that I refused to allow her to come live with us (years ago)...and I refuse to give up my job to take care of her (consistently, since she left Assisted Living) - I am in no position to give up my job or take her into our home. Many reasons for that - my sanity being the first one.

However, I'm stressing because she's hospitalized and I'm not going to be by her side - or listen to her put downs or other negative comments about how useless I am; and have been to her. I'm trying to take a step back, breathe deep and let this play out.

My blood pressure is up and I feel anxious - but I can't seem to control how I feel just now - it's just what it is. My sensible side agrees with other comments above - let the professionals handle getting her home and then getting a handle on her living conditions. Wait until they see her apartment! I doubt they're going to send her home in a taxi and not have someone with her to see to her needs - until she sends them packing. I hope Social Services will get involved at this point and see how badly she needs help - or to live in a situation (group home or Assisted Living) where she has supervision and care.

Has anyone ever heard of SS going to see what the living conditions are like before the patient is released? I'm sure it's a big mess - since she's (to quote her) not gotten any help whatsoever from her daughter.

Sue, continue sitting on the sidelines. If you are upset about it just accept that you'll be upset for a while. Don't make rash decisions based on that emotion.

Jeanne is right! Best for your to stay on the sidelines - can you make it clear to the hospital discharge planner that she cannot live alone, you will not be there, so it is up to the powers that be to arrange for her care. Seems to me that professionals might have more power here.

Wow what a handful she is! I'd get her a Phillips Lifeline pendant to wear in case she falls, tell her to schedule ahead with senior transit when she needs rides and leave her be for awhile. Let her negotiate her way back to you....dont be solicitous.Tell her she's in charge of her life and all you want is her happiness. There is simply not a lot you can control here. She has some level of mental illness/character disorder and you just have to accept there's only so much you can do. You CANNOT lose your livelihood over this...and you need to step back. I have you in my prayers tonight!

Suegeo....sorry, id not seen your mom was hospitalized when I posted. I would ask to meet with the hospital social worker in person and take her photos of your mom's Apt and fridge if u can...you can also file a report with Adult Protective Services in your mom's county and document self neglect on her part....yoy can send them Apt photos too...and indicate she is suffering severe mood swings that she cannot control during regular daily activities, like during the shopping. Frame it as a severe mood disorder tragically going untreated and ask what the county/state can do in terms of visiting your mom while she's in the hospital and performing their assessment there.

Well, here's the latest. Mom is still hospitalized and social worker and geriatric specialist have evaluated her and determined that she is not capable of making her own medical decisions. I finally emailed her doctor (the geriatric specialist who consulted with her yesterday, as there were comments that family involvement should be 'encouraged' - I wrote a lengthy detailed email of my concerns for my mother's mental health (or lack thereof); her filthy living conditions and that I'd contacted her doctor x 2 with little to no response (an email saying he'd discussed it with her)...regarding my concerns about her living alone and her deteriorating mental state.

Social worker contacted me today after they'd seen my email and told me that they have determined that she's not capable of making complex medical decisions and I told them that I have DPOA - they told me that she had another more recent one on file. Imagine my surprise to hear that news!

Apparently my mother contacted the church elders and asked them to sign DPOA for medical decisions - so I'm out of the picture as far as contributing to the decision as to what to do with my mother on discharge. They're going to call the person named on her DPOA tomorrow for a consultation to see what he has to say about deciding what to do with her upon discharge.

They're discussing a group home, going back to her apartment (could the daughter and/or the church elders clean it up?) There's a lot to be determined regarding her discharge - I doubt that they'll discharge her tomorrow and send her home alone to that filthy apartment. (The problem with that is that it can be cleaned up - but that cleaning won't last long)...In a week it'll be the same old mess.

She also told them today that her apartment is 'filthy' and she has bugs (she reported moths to me recently - another outbreak because of the food that's laying around I assume)...had the moth issue last Fall and I hired a housekeeper to scrub and clean the place thoroughly - as soon as the moth issue seemed resolved mother fired the girl for being 'too slow'.

At any rate, they've heard my concern about my mother's mental state and her unsafe living conditions - and since I'm not the DPOA (per my mother getting a new one in October 2016) I will not be asked to make that decision. If they ask me, I'll recommend a daily housekeeper, nurse to manage her meds (apparently she's been missing some of her prescriptions - forgets to take them) and someone to prepare/serve meals to her and clean up afterwards. She is not going to be able to manage daily living on her on - so it's consistent and regular home care or group home.

And finally, she's told them that it's okay to share her medical issues/situation with her daughter now - she's not mad at me anymore. She's been angry with me all week - telling them under no circumstances was I to be called - in big letters ' do NOT call the daughter'.

I'm sad for her and her mental state - but I also know that I cannot assume responsibility for taking care of her - otherwise everything I've worked for all my life (career, home, family) will go right down the drain. A sacrifice I'm just not willing to make. I should know more soon about her status and will keep you posted as to what the professionals recommend. It'll be interesting to hear what the church elder (who has little knowledge about her home situation) will have to say about all of this.

Sue, this all sounds like progress to me. Others are involved and will get her he help she needs.

It must be tough, loving her as you do, knowing that she's badmouthed you all around, and that there are folks out there who, at least right now, think you're the " bad daughter".

You're not. You tried. She's mentally ill and requires professional care which YOU not have the power to force her to get.

SueGeo, with all things considered, bet you are relieved that someone else is the Power of Attorney.... what a surprise that was.... and to find out its the church elders. I wonder if the DPOA was drawn up by an Attorney, as usually the Attorney will notify the previous DPOA that they are no longer listed to be DPOA.

Thanks for posting what is going on, it will be very interesting to see what happens next.

freqFlyer - the DPOA that I have was drawn up by a lawyer and I paid his fee and a filing fee for the paperwork. Thought that would be the end of that. The DPOA that I saw on file with the hospital is a brief - canned form - for lack of a better term. That talks only about the DPOA making medical decisions for her if she is incapable of making them for herself. My DPOA is a 4 page document that discusses many financial responsibilities at length and medical decisions. So based on what the SW told me, the DPOA they have on file since it's more recent will supersede mine (in as much as for the decisions about medical care - and in this case her disposition from the hospital and what they feel is in her best interest).

I have a feeling I'll be hearing from them - as these people barely know her. It's not like she's been at church every week or anything. I'm sure they know who she is...but I highly doubt that they are as aware of her living situation and circumstances as I am. I would be surprised if they are. But yes, I'm relieved that the sole responsibility for making that decision hasn't fallen on my shoulders. I'll keep you posted as to how this works out - hopefully in a situation where she will be cared for - and possibly, just possibly we could have some quality time - where I'm not coming into a filthy place that needs cleaning before I can even sit down - or running myself ragged getting groceries, lugging them in and trying to find a place to put them (amongst the dirty dishes and chaos)..taking out the trash (always have to do that when stopping in to see mom) and all the other errands and appointments - that never seem to end - when there's no one to help (with the housekeeping, shopping, doctor/dental appointments, hair, etc.) And the list goes on and on...but we shall see....

I certainly hope they will evaluate her for dementia and mental illness. You're doing the right thing...you can change what is out of your control. And you can't change decades of dysfunction. Thanks for giving us and update and stay strong.

Update: The calls came in from SW - they want to meet on Monday to discuss her discharge plan. Mom called me this morning and we talked so I gathered a few things from her apartment and went to visit. She seems like she's in pretty bad shape - mentally. Very forgetful and confused. Didn't know what day it was or how long she'd been in the hospital. She does know however, that she most likely will not be going back to her apartment since she's not able to cook/clean and take care of herself.
She didn't realize she'd left the stove on the other day when she'd called 911 - they guys looked around and told me that she'd left the stove on. She seemed surprised by that information. She kept repeating the same thing over and over - an incident this morning where the PT/OT came in and wanted to ask her questions - she felt overwhelmed because she'd been sick/vomiting the night before and was not feeling like talking yet (hadn't had coffee or breakfast yet)...so she sent the PT/OT packing - get the h*ll out! Sounds like my mother!

So at the end of this long day - I've just contacted a local lady who provides adult foster care for elderly ladies; she sounded lovely on the phone and the price is reasonable - however mom would be sharing a room with 2 other people and one bathroom for up to 6 residents. The situation is two bedrooms, 3 ladies in each room, one bath. I'll go have a look at this place tomorrow - because it's close to my home - just a few miles away - and it's affordable! However, mom has expressed her concerns to me already today about being 'put into a room with a psycho' - referring to her experience in her first assisted living facility where she shared a common living space with a woman who had the TV turned up to full volume in the shared space - and my mother felt that the other lady didn't want to 'share' - etc. etc. My mother was moved into another room - and the situation there was worse (as she reported)...the nurses were mean to her and the servers were unfair (serving other residents a larger piece of pie, etc.).

I have my doubts that this lady will want my mother - because my mother can be so direct/rude brash...to put it mildly. There's another possibility in a nearby community where mom could get her own room and bath - however that one hasn't opened yet. I'm hoping she can last until I could move her into the place where she could have her own room/bath - she's never gotten along with anyone - be they relatives, friends or neighbors - but told me that she'd like to go somewhere that has other old ladies and they could sit and crochet - oh I wish that she could be happy in this foster care home - it sounds like that might be the situation there - docile, sweet old ladies who sit around and watch TV and do crafts..

I'm probably kidding myself! I have to wonder who's 'psycho' here...Is that cruel to say? One last question for all of you who've been through this...have you experienced adult foster care? If so, how did it go? I know the hospital is anxious to get her out - based on what the SW had to say. So I feel like I did before when she was being discharged - got to find a place for mom. It's draining and time consuming...and no matter what I do/find etc. I'm already certain she won't be happy.

Thanks for listening and giving me a place to vent. I'm exhausted and hope to be able to get some sleep tonight - haven't been doing much of that lately.

And what will the hospital do if no place has been found for her to go to? DO NOT, under any circumstances, agree for her to leave if she doesn't have a place to move in to. Don't let them bully / sad sack you into accepting responsibility. THEY have to come up with the plan, not you.

My brother lived alone 600 miles away from the rest of the family. In his last stages of cancer, the doctor wouldn't release him to go home unless he had 24/7 care. The hospital was trying for the family to accept that responsibility. My sister, bless her, was there and made it very clear to anyone & everyone that the family could not and would not accept that responsibility. She dumped it right back in their lap, telling them they have to figure it out.

Update: Today sadly, I have to report that my mother has once again lost touch with reality. I tried calling her just before 8 a.m. today - to ask if shed' gotten her glaucoma eye drops (she told me yesterday that she hadn't been getting her Rx eye drops for her glaucoma - so I spoke to the nurse and told her the name of mom's medication) she said she'd get the doctor to order it. SO I called back to see if that had indeed happened - anyway to get to the point - my mom's phone was 'busy' for hours! I finally called the nurses station around 10:00 and asked them to please go to my mom's room and let her know I was trying to call - just to ask her about the eye drops and I was told by the clerk that she did not wish to speak to me...what???? I asked to speak with the nurse - and was told by the nurse that she'd check on my mom to see what was going on.

Imagine my surprise (after we had a nice visit yesterday afternoon - she only seemed a little out of it yesterday, but knew who I was and wanted to bury the hatchet about the falling out we'd had a couple of weeks ago - she remembered she'd said mean/nasty things to me and I said, let's let that go and focus on getting you feeling better)...she wanted to explain to me that she was like her father who had been cruel to her - giving her beatings with a belt as a young child - in detail - so I listened to her tales of the past, in length and how that should explain why she loses her temper and treats people so badly (because of the way she was raised)...I told her you should work on controlling your anger and be better than that...because she'd already ran one of the OT's out earlier in the day - told her to get the h*ll out of my room, etc. etc. Having run ins with the nurses due to her impoliteness (nurse wanted her to say 'please' and she felt indignant about that)...why should THAT woman want to make me say 'please'??

At any rate, she's told the nursing staff today, I do NOT want any contact with my daughter and I don't want her being told about my medical issues/care - 'because she tried to poison me.' OMG! I was so stunned - I didn't give her any medication food or beverages yesterday during our visit. She has no reason whatsoever to think that - I went to her apartment and brought her the things she asked for including toothbrush, mouthwash, soap, etc. clothing/shoes...

I'm hurt and disappointed today - had my crying jag and now am trying to make sense of her illness. About all I can do at this point is try to focus on our pleasant visit yesterday afternoon - I took her flowers and we hugged a few times - so for that I'm thankful. I was sure I'd be going back to see her today/tomorrow. Monday I'm scheduled to meet in her room with the social worker and one of the church elders that has medical DPOA. I explained to her that since she'd made that decision I would have no rights to make any decisions about her medical care - she asked if she could change her mind - I said not likely. I don't know what to think or expect. I was going to research some facilities this weekend - but now I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't think I could honestly visit any facility without telling them that my mother has lost her mind; is sometimes hostile and threatening. People don't want that kind of trouble. I'm going to sit it out this weekend under the circumstances - I feel like I've been gut-punched and I'd like to crawl in a corner and cry.

I've done everything I could do to help her - I'm at a complete and total loss as to what next steps are. I'm not sleeping well, and certainly not focused on my routine tasks - couldn't grocery shop today because I couldn't remember what I was supposed to buy - my sweet husband and my son have been very supportive - but they're also at a loss as to what to say. My husband thinks I'm too quick to 'crumple' at my mom's demands/wishes, etc. - but I'm glad I went there yesterday (after she finally gave them permission for me to be added to her visitors list). We had a long conversation about why I hadn't been there earlier - and she just could NOT wrap her mind about HIPAA and those privacy laws. I found out promptly today when I called - that the patient has the right to refuse contact with individuals - doesn't matter who you are. I tried to explain to her that since she hadn't listed me as a 'contact' that I would not be allowed to see her - the hospital won't even acknowledge that she's there w/o that authorization. She just didn't understand that it was her doing that I wasn't able to visit or call her until after she'd given permission...and now we know why - because the hospitals are concerned about unstable families and other issues - and now after one single visit she's saying I'm trying to poison her...

One of the last phone calls late yesterday afternoon - she said to me, you know there were two ladies in here yesterday to visit with me - I don't know who they were as they did not identify themselves - but I think they were crooks! They showed her from her medical records her DPOA - where she'd named the church elders as the persons responsible for making her medical decisions . I told her those ladies were social workers (and they always identify themselves, by hospital policy they are required to wear ID badges) and they would not have been able to view her medical records - or even visit with her without being credible. She seem assured that it was okay to have chatted with them...

I'm very sad and hurt that she's so sick she can't rationalize who's looking out for her best interest and cares for her.

Sue, your mom needs to be in a psychiatric facility. She needs medication and folks who are trained to work with mentally ill elders.

Your mom is mentally ill. This is not your fault or her fault, it's simply a fact of her, and your existence.

You cannot be responsible for her. You do not have it in your power to make her happy or content.

Does she have a formal psychiatric diagnosis?

SueGeo, you are officially on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, you were sitting in the back seat, and now you are sitting up front. Memory issues has no rhyme or reason. Mom will tell you stories that are picked out of the air, stories that had never happened, and where Mom gets these ideas are unknown. It is just part of dementia that some patients will experience.

Ah yes, Mom thinks you and probably everyone around her is trying to poison her. A good friend of my boss, his wife is going through that, and they are at the ER on a regular basis. He is devastated that his wife thinks he is trying to do her in.

I know it is gut wrenching to see our parent in this condition. And oh how we wish would could fix her brain to make her better. Where is that magic pill? Only advice is to play along with her stories, otherwise it would upset Mom even more if she thinks she is making these stories up.

Since the church elders are the DPOA and that was your Mom's wishes back when her mind was clearer, then it is up to them to find a place for Mom to live that has a Memory Care center. You can help out if they take your advice. Give recommendations, etc. Does Mom have savings for Assisted Living/Memory Care where she can self-pay for awhile? These places average around $5k per month. As for Mom hostility, there are meds that will help calm her down, it's just finding the right one, and usually it can take a week or two for the pills to kick in.

In the mean time, you are doing the best you can under this circumstances. Forget the guilt, your Mom had planned her own life and dementia had tripped her up.... [sigh].  It will take time to realize this is now the "new normal".

Sue; It's unclear to me if your mom's paranoia is attributable to dementia, or to a previously undiagnsosed mental illness (both Borderline Personality Disorder and Paranoid Schizophrenia spring to mind) or both.

But I stand by the idea that a psychiatric facility, where they can possibly stabilize her on meds seems to be the only workable solution right now. Whether she can live in any other setting eventually will be determined by how she responds to medications and is unknowable right now.

It sounds to me like she is a danger to herself and others, which is the standard for an involuntary psychiatric evaluation.