Mom wants me to dump my daughter and granddaughter to attend her. Where are my priorities?

One distinct feature of Narcissism is they fairly hold their 'narcissistic supply' target hostage via guilt, drama, etc. Your priority is your own family, with your mother being now secondary. Your obligation to her, out of respect and humanity, is to be sure she is safe and basic needs met; otherwise you must attend to your own family, these younger generations and your own needs as a Separate Human Being (which some narcissists can hardly recognize/realize!)Educate yourself, with professional help if needed, on ways to deal with a narcissist's demanding ways/expectations. Then make and keep firm boundaries for the good of all involved. (For the record my mother psychologically and emotionally 'tethered' me to herself, challenging why I'd even want to be out of the house as I grew up, if you can imagine, right when any child is learning to spread its wings and enter the world. At the root of much narcissism is fear and low self esteem, so they need their 'supply' to always be there. Don't become a victim to that sad, desperate manipulation; which would not only injure you but set a bad 'martyrdom' example for your daughter and granddaughter.) All the best to ALL of your family, not just mom.

Read “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend.

In my opinion, you don’t owe your mom anything unless you have a contract saying so. Do not spend your last healthy years catering to unreasonable demands. Do not allow resentment to build; resentment ruins the container it comes in.

You’ll regret it later if you forfeit this very special time with your daughter and grandchild. You’ve helped your mother ( you weren’t ever required to but did so anyway)
this is now is the time you have to cherish and spend w your daughter and grandchild, it will go by before you know it so don’t spend anymore time thinking about it, as Nike motto says “just do it” you’ll never regret having made your own child and grandchild the priority here

I have learned this saying: What if you weren't here where would she be. Stop enabling her.

Prayers

The book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend will help you.

I've had very similar experiences and regret choosing my mother over occasions when I could have spent time with my young adult children. My mother would have lived through my absence.

I'm partly to blame for suppressing my desire to put my children first. It makes me angry just thinking about what I didn't do because my mother "needed" me. Baloney.

You can't get these days back.

Don't be like me.

Peace.

Who tells Mom your plans? They aren’t her business and she doesn’t get a vote. Let her throw her hysterical tantrum. Tell her you’ll be glad to talk to her once she’s had time to calm down and hang up. Let her get mad. What’s she going to do? Punish you by not calling all the time? Yes, please.

How about setting a meeting with the two of you with a Geriatric Psychiatrist and have her evaluated for appropriate placement near you?

There's an old paperback called, "When I say NO, I feel guilty." A good start to understanding Codependency."

Spend time with your daughter and granddaughter. So your mother has a temper tantrum. So what? She will get over it. You do not say if she lives with you. If she does, start looking for housing for her to move out. If she doesn't already live with you, she has no power or leverage over you. Visit your family when you can.

And in the short term, don't rule out that she does cause some type of emergency to prove her needs are the strongest. Make sure she gets appropriate medical care, then continue to visit your daughter and her family when you can.

Does this sound like an unhealthy reaction to you?
The question you need to clarify for yourself is how you are emotionally and psychologically 'attached' or 'triggered' by your mother - what is your history with her - in your reactions to her 'needs' and 'requests' and/or 'demands' from a young age to the present.

I believe these behaviors / responses are instilled very early in a child's life and carry through into adulthood - until an adult child is able to develop their self (self-esteem, self-respect, self-love) in order to separate and become their own person.

As you mention, your mom is or may be a narcissistic personality. You know what this means and if you do not, you need to gain more knowledge / educate yourself so you know who you are dealing with. "Of course" she has a tantrum ... that you mention this tells me that you do not understand her mental condition or disease (whether she is has a narcissistic personality disorder or another disorder).

I wonder if it gave you pause to consider how you relate to your mom based on you referring to your siblings and how 'they left' - and that you did not / do not.

You are a wounded, if not traumatized, daughter. (And I deeply feel sad that you had / have / grew up with a narcissistic mother.)

I believe a professional therapist could help you understand the dynamics of the relationship as it has been set up - likely for decades, if not from your birth-date, and how to shift out of it - change your 'automatic reactions' to present time "this is what I want to do / this is how I want to respond now."

These relationships are not black or white and certainly not easily decided upon here in this forum. However, it is a start for you and I acknowledge you for reaching out.

The question is not choosing one over the other(s).
It is a matter of doing what is in your best health interest, ensuring 'to the best of your ability' that your mom is safe / well cared for (this DOESN'T MEAN YOU), and that you learn how important boundary setting is - for you, and by example, for your grandchildren. While you may not be aware of it, how you interact with your mom (unhealthy behaviors of yours) will impact your grandchildren - it comes out in a sense/lack of worth, self-esteem. You 'convey' these feelings by example, no matter how settle they may be. Although I do not believe they are settle. You want to instill 'personal empowerment' and self esteem in your grandchildren (although they may not be kids any longer, it is never too late to learn self-care.)

Until you are able to understand the relationship and why you react / respond as you do, you will continue to allow your mother to control you/r decision making, and cause you unlimited volcanos of distress if not regular avalanches (her anger and temper tantrums as she wants what she wants when she wants it ... no one else matters to her... it is 'me me and oh yes me, again'). The mental, emotional, and likely physical and spiritual discord/pain will be endless. Do you not want this 'quality' of life.

You are still very young - and have lots of good years ahead of you. It is time for your to 'take the reins' and enjoy your life as you want to. You do not need to be afraid of a narcissistic mother. The easy part is when she 'starts in' (ranting) that you politely say "I am going to hang up now ... and, of course, you do ... and go for a walk or have a glass of wine ... or both.

Gena / Touch Matters

Momsgoto: Your mother is attempting to control you and your life and for all intents and purposes, it appears that she is on the winning end. Something seems to be amiss with a woman who goes off wandering in her bathrobe to see who's bought her neighbor's house and stating that she has zero groceries. The people who were on the receiving end of these actions must have wanted to shake their heads. Retake control of your life before your mother ensures that you have none.