Greetings! I’m miserable. I take good care of my Mom, but I’m stressed all the time. It’s too much. I’m losing hair like crazy from the stress. I’m in college. I should be thinking of my future. Instead, I’m taking care of my Mom. She has aides, but the agency sends new staff all the time. The newcomers never know what to do, so I explain. Then another medical crisis. I live nearby. I’m considering walking away (from the caregiving). I can’t handle, don’t want to handle, so many problems. We tried to change agencies, same problem. My mom is mentally sharp, but the problems are overwhelming. She’s very appreciative of my help. She’s the best Mom in the world. But I want to stop. I want to enjoy college. She wants me to, too. I’ve become a miserable, unhappy daughter. I know she can’t handle the problems alone. Has anyone walked away (from the caregiving)? I guess those who have, aren’t on this forum.
Don’t let guilt keep you from your life. You will never get these college years back.
You sound like a wonderful person but it's come to a head and you are not sure what to do and you may even feel guilty for saying this.
What about day programs. Some place locally where your mother will be served lunch, activities, companionship, sometimes even have their hair done.
You can attend class with a clear mind. I would contact a Social Worker or a Dept. of Elderly Affairs in your State. It's hard because you feel torn, you want to live your life and you love your mother. You want to do right by her as well as yourself. You have to plan for your future. You don't know how long this is going on for.
We just got out of a Pandemic. Every place is short staffed. Some nursing facilities have day respite programs. There can be programs that will pay for this and also provide transportation. It doesn't have to be everyday but if you can find a good match your Mom may even look forward to it.
A lot of stuff you can look up online. Some Churches have these programs too.
Hope this helps...again I think your a great, responsible young lady.
You definitely should be happy and think about your future.
I wanted to: some caregivers don't want to be filmed. But I think the aides we have now, wouldn't mind. Also the aides help with technological issues (often suddenly the ipad doesn't work, etc.). We can make videos of how to solve these problems. I think your video idea will greatly help reduce my involvement. Thanks!!!!
How?
You are at the moment a miserable unhappy daughter because your lovely mother is having one medical crisis after another and needs help. You wouldn't feel any less unhappy or stressed about that if you were 10,000 miles away and not lifting a finger.
You say so little about what's happening that we can't know what to suggest, but know this:
you are not alone
there will be ways forward
you shall get to enjoy college :)
Questions (lots, sorry, I'll keep them basic):
What are your mother's care needs?
How long has she been unwell?
What's the outlook?
Some things in life are more complicated: you must take action…but that action can be non-ending. It creates a miserable life.
Let’s make a parable:
A village sees a baby in a basket floating in a river. They feel bad and immediately adopt the baby and take care if it.
Next day, another baby. They feel bad and…
Next day, more babies. They feel bad and…
Eventually one person decides to go upriver to check the source of all these babies! They eventually figure it out, and things are solved.
In the same way, helping your Mom has no end. Go to the source.
The source is your empathy. Empathy is great. But…
If not, I wonder if Mom can access a Case Manager? Some just book an agency & that's it. But I have heard of fuller service type organisations that co-ordinate care have weekly checkins with clients.
Are you dealing with a progressive type of disability or illness?
Don’t plan your life around your mother. If things happen, things happen. You didn’t make any vows to your mother, like married couples. You were given life, not life with handcuffs the moment you’re born.
Bad day? Create great art. Another bad day? Go run a marathon. You get the picture. Make it so that in the end, you say: “Thank you bad days! I’m now an artist, fitter than ever…”
Visiting Angels
While it's easy to say walk away, live your life, part of the reality is you will worry about her home care, and later, you will likely carry guilt.
College years are a magical time that can't ever be reconstructed, there are no substitutes. If your mom wants you to enjoy this time, the only clean way I see it is to have an evaluation done for placement. If the problems are overwhelming, as you say, it actually might be best if she's placed.
From the tone of your post, you will find this heartbreaking to do, but you only have two choices that I see: status quo or placement. But you already know status quo isn't working for you, so....
Your mother doesn't want her caring, loving, giving daughter miserable or missing out on some of the very best years of your life. A lot of people and caregivers don't have those kind of mothers. In that way, you are blessed. Maybe think of it as a gift you need to open, and take joy in what you find.
And having something of real college experience might very well keep your mind off Mom once she's placed.
Love and light to you...wrapped in a big, warm hug.
You say she is mentally sharp. Mom can then give direction to new caregivers, you do not have to do that. If she knows what needs to be done she can let them know.
Take a step back.
Let mom handle things for a bit and see how it goes.
If there is a problem you can be reached by phone and in most cases a "problem" is not really a problem and can be solved quickly without you having to be there.
Get your life back.
Enjoy college.