I am so friggin scared. I need your help!! She is back in the hospital. She called me at noon. They went to her house at 4:30am and she said she didn’t get to the hospital till 6am. They couldn’t pull in her driveway because nobody had plowed the end of it yet. My son and I had shoveled everything but the end. They couldn’t get in the back door because it was locked. They went in through the front door because it was unlocked. She was upstairs short of breath, and shaking. They helped her down the stairs and cleared a lot of junk out of the way in the dining room. I’m over here now taking pictures of this hell hole. I contacted her primary doctor and they contacted APS and left a message. The social worker at the hospital called me and left a message to call her back. She wanted to meet with me and my mother tomorrow. I called and let a message and said she needs to go to assisted living. I can’t help her anymore!!! I can’t be there in the morning I have to work tonight. I told my mother when she called at noon I would stop up today. Should I go up to the hospital? Should I stay away? What if she calls me at home? Should I tell her she needs to go to assisted living? I am so scared right now. I’ve told everyone everything!!!! Help me please!!!
Find yourself a therapist who can help you work on these triggers.
When you see the SW tomorrow, ask about having your mother sent to a psychiatric facility for evaluation ESPECIALLY if they suggest that because she is competent, they want to send her home.
Write down a list: hoarding, panic attacks, alcoholism, refusal to seek medical care, inability to manage medications and renewals, refusal or inability to perform basic hygiene, grooming or dressing.
Present this dispassionately and calmly. Mention that you have guardianship of your adult son (that both establishes you as a person who has been found responsible by the courts AND that you already have a lot on your plate).
If they say they are sending her home in a cab, ask for an occupational therapist to evaluate her home as a place she can be safely discharged to.
Good luck and let us know how you make out! (((((Hugs)))))).
Even if she doesn't get placed this go round, EMS will have called her in to APS. If she goes home, she will end up hospitalized again soon. As long as you don't show up to take her home, they will get the message.
I would keep contact with her to a minimum for the time being - detach -emotionally distance yourself. Walk away from and do nothing from fear, obligation and guilt. You are acting in your mother's best interests whether she likes it or not.
With her issues - hoarding, lack of self care, depression etc, she absolutely needs a full psych evaluation.
My mother was in a geriatric psychiatric hospital for about 9 months. They did a full assessment. It took a while before she agreed to take the meds. Once she did, it was a different and much better ball game. Then she was placed successfully in AL.
You are doing well!!!!
If she is admitted for 3 nights, she can go to rehab, paid by Medicare.
"Psych eval" is most likely a mini mental exam, which she will pass. She needs a full scale, in patient mental health workup in a psychiatric hospital. You need to have her evaluated for mental illness, not just competency.
This is something to discuss, via the portal with her family doctor, as well.
Elaine, this is like just the beginning of the journey. Getting your mother the help she needs means that YOU have to step back, disengage and not enable her. Please remember that.
As POA, you can hire someone to do snow removal using her funds, but I suppose she would have to agree. If you have access to her checking account, I would hire a service to do that.
Try to figure out what is scaring you. If you are afraid that your mother may die, then that's pretty normal.
If you are afraid of your mother's wrath, or of being " investigated" or made to feel that you should be taking your mother home with you, please be aware that you are doing the RIGHT THING. And should feel no guilt.
I feel like things are going to turn around for you and your mom. She will finally be where she needs to be, out of her two story home, and you will have peace of mind knowing that you are doing what is best for her. She will acclimate to her new surroundings.
Sending loads of good thoughts your way. 💗
I am hoping that you can have your mom admitted as Barb said and have FULL mental health evaluation including for mental illness.
I hope you are doing okay. I'm sending you all the positive vibes I can and along with everyone here we are holding your hand as you go through this challenging time.
Huge hug {{{{Elaine}}}}}
Don’t worry about Mom being mad at you. She’ll get over it. And if not, you stay busy with your life. Self care, my dear, self care.
* I’m speaking to myself here, as well. *
If possible wait this out until some decisions have been made. You want things to change, right? In fact you know they need to change, right? So your mom is going to go through some transitions until she settles into LTC. She is not going to remember that you didn't call for one or two days in the hospital. IF she does tell her you were sick and lost your voice (or some other therapeutic fib).
"Mom, would you like your bills to get paid?".
(If yes)."Then I'll need some checks to do so". (why aren't her bills set up for auto magic electronic billpay??).
If she makes a fuss, get up and leave. Inform the social worker via email, phone and snail mail that your mother is not cooperating with paying bills and you regret the fact that you need to resign your POA. Call mom's lawyer to arrange to do that.
Do not engage in any conversation about going home. "We will have to see what the doctor says, mom. How is the food? Can you work the TV okay?"
Keep the conversation neutral and if she acts out, get up and say (nicely) I'll come back when you are feeling better.
Do. Not. Engage in arguments with her.
you have done everything to inform the authorities that Mum is not safe at home. The ball is no longer in your court.
Isn't it likely that your mentally ill mother has been going on all day about her daughter is going to pick her up and won't stand for this? And ranting and raving about how she is being held against her will, or something like that.
Yes, she has rights. And the hospital needs a good bit of evidence to be able to overstep them.
This is not about how she treats you. This is about HEr living conditions and her ability to take care of herself.
And if they say she is competent, you are more than justified in letter her be .
My heart is broken for you. The people we trusted to intervene don’t seem to feel the urgency we do. I wonder to myself, what would it take for them to act? What is the threshold that must be met in order for them to intervene?
I am so very sorry. I understand your exhaustion, hurt and anger with the process. You have done everything and more, only to be horribly let down again.
She's going to be mad at you and lash out - that's a given. Don't let your fear of her being angry with you or upset with you guide any decisions. Your job is to see that she's taken care of, not to do the 24/7 care yourself. You know you're looking out for her, while protecting yourself. You're doing great -- many of us took far longer to set healthy boundaries.