I'm 9 months pregnant and my husband wants us to move in with/care for his grandmother with dementia. Any advice?

Please tell your husband to read these post , my father just passed away while taking care of my mom who has MS bc she did not want to go into a nursing home. He was retired 8 yrs and spent every day with her. It's a 24 hr full time job to take care of an older sick. The medication ordering the dr visits the mental and emotional part of it feeding them washing them . I have come to realize it's not that we do not love our family enough to take care of them , of course we would take care of our family , but there comes a point when we have to say they need more help than we can do on our own. My mother had an aid take care of her all day and my dad would help her at night never getting enough rest and stress and he was here one day and gone the next. We moved our mother into a nursing home, and she has a much better quality of life now , she is put into a wheelchair now and we can take her outside , she has not been outside in 20 yrs. would have been nice to have our dad here to see that. The unknown of the nursing homes is scary but there are good ones and great ones. Social workers are the angels in this world and are very helpful.best of luck to you!

I would not do that,,,,,Big Mistake..It is sooooooooooo stressful and depressing. His intentions are good but I have a feeling he will not like it after 2- 6 months. His Mom will not cooperate with a lot of needed care and advice, it's aging and a lot of elder's are like this. I took care of my Mom for 7 years then my Dad passed and I had her 24/7 for almost 3 years and my health has declined I have cried a river. You are pregnant and need to take care of yourself and baby and your husband needs to support you at this critical time. Love is giving you family elder the right care. Yes have him read this web site,,, P.S. I have an Ulcer

No, no, no. Don't doubt your initial gut reaction. It is not selfish. People with Dementia/Alzheimer's cannot evaluate their own condition, how can we expect them to evaluate what is right for ours? One execellent example I read, "my mother would be mortified if she was in her right mind and knew I was changing her diapers and wiping her butt". If she is issuing these edicts now, it will only get worse. I also think your husband is very well intentioned, but I bet he won't be the one to change the diapers on his grandmother and feeding her, and bathing her, you will, unless, of course, he is a nurse/CNA/LPN that knows what he is getting into? Do you have enough funds to quit your jobs and care for Grandmother and baby full time? I am sure my dear mother would rather live with me, but the reality is that it takes three people to help her get to the toilet from the bed or the wheelchair. How could I do that? How could I, in good conscience, ask my husband to help me with to task? Your husband needs to read these answers and think realistically, and compassionately, about the future of his own family.

Dustien is giving you great advice. Really everyone here is giving you great advice.
Been caring for my demented parents since July 2012. ( Both dementia)
Plus every other physical problem you can think of. Wish I knew about this web-site before I started my journey. Knowing what I know now I say not to do it. Will not only ruin your marriage but the relationship your husband has with his grandmother will also be ruined. Trust us all on this. I learned by the school of hard knocks. Don't want you or anyone else learn that way. No Fun at all!!

Your husband might be thinking in the terms of money. Maybe he sees the chance of moving in with Grandma as a boon, since you could possibly rent the new house and have extra income, and having Granny paying utilities and such could help too. Even with the improved opportunities in today's work environment for women, most men still shoulder the bulk of financially supporting his family. Your husband could be under this stress, what with a new house and new baby, and might very well see moving in with Grandma as a way to take care of this burden for him (as well as being a hero in Grandma's eyes... Being willing to come to the rescue is a good trait in a man, but ill placed in this case).

It could also be that this Grandma was a very important part of his life and he loves her very much and cares what happens to her. I was never that close to my Grandmothers, but I can tell you right now that my granddaughter is going to be in for some sad times as I get older, as she adores me (and I her). If your grandmother was that close to your husband, he's having a very hard time seeing her in such distress.

Or it could be a combination of the two, or something else, like maybe just the sense of obligation since he's the only one she'll consider in the family to care for her.

Problem is, whatever the reason, what he's not seeing is that, by doing this, he's asking for a world of hurt! Moving in with her could very well turn his life upside down and could tear his little family apart. Because he has blinders on right now, you need to be the level headed one here.

First off, you need to do your best to be empathetic toward his plight. If you start out by being adversarial, it could simple make him stop listening to you, or make him think you just don't care about Grandma and are being selfish, which of course isn't the case. You're wisely watching out for your mental well being since you are going to soon be fully in charge and responsible for the life of another. Right now, yourself, your child and your husband need to be where your focus is and will need to be for a quite a long time to come.

You need to be proactive in this decision, but not fight with him. I'd say your first move should be to get him talking, try to figure out why he's wanting to do this so badly and then talk about those issues. If it's money issues, try to assure him that you'll do what you can to help ease those issues now (cutting back on household costs when you can, consider going back to work when the baby is 6 weeks old...whatever works for your family to help take some of the financial burden off of him. If it's his love of Grandma, assuring that you guys can still help without moving in, that you're not asking him to abandon her but that you simply do not have the energy to look after yourself, him and the baby and grandma. Let him know that, under no circumstances, will you move in with Grandma. It's not because you don't care, that you do understand where he's coming from, but because your responsibility is the same as his...to your immediate family and, with a new life to be responsible for, you won't have the time, nor the energy to deal with living with grandma.

Then stick to your decision...you owe it to yourself and your child (and it's the best thing for your husband too...he just won't see that now).

As a total last resort to save your family, if he tries to force the issue, then tell him your sorry, but you're not going. He'll just have to move in with Grandma himself, and that you, and the baby will be there at the new house if he should come to his senses. Tell him that you'll also have to hire someone to help out around the house since he won't be there to help.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Ah, yes, to echo what Veronica says, Grandma will say, "In my day.....". I have a two year old grandson and a wonderful relationship with my daughter, his mother. Fortunately, my daughter is very smart, up on what is current in baby care and knows the recent research. I don't. I'm a child psychologist, but I haven't kept up with the latest in child CARE; child development I know backwards and forwards. Fortunately, when I suggest things like talcum powder, my daughter knows enough to say, Mom, talcum powder is bad for babies and I'm smart enough to know that she knows her stuff. Demented great grandma, probably not so much, since she is clearly stubborn about HER way right now.

If you EVER want a social life, don't do it. Your child won't be able to have friends over, you won't be able to entertain, and you won't be able to go out because she won't accept someone else coming in. You are just beginning your life - don't end your possibilities now.

ba8alou brought up a very good point, Grandma will forget to wash her hands after using the bathroom..... and I have read on this website how elders will forget to even use a toilet and make a mess on the floor..... or if wearing Depends will forget to be changed and sit down on the sofa and well, I won't go into further detail.... let's just say you wouldn't want a toddler to be playing with toys on the sofa.

I can't add anything to what all the previous posters say, except caring for your baby comes first, care for you after giving birth comes second - bottom line don't do it. Tell her you will be staying in your home and caring for your child. Tell your husband no way can you do both.

Your child must come first. You cannot possibly meet the needs of two totally dependent people when one is an elder that will be jealous of every thing you do for the baby. DO NOT GIVE IN! I see this from two sides. My mom wants me to drop everything and move the 300 miles to live with her. She did it for HER mom... but I was the child who moved in with grandma at 5. She was supposed to have only 6 months to live. Lived 13 years. I loved my grandma, but mom never had time to do mom things like come to school performances etc. Don't make your first child a second fiddle.

Everyone else has outlined the downsides of moving in with Grandma. Now I will look at what else may happen.
You are about to give birth for the first time.
Do you want your new baby to be an only child?
Can you imagine being pregnant again and trying to change grandma's Depends lifting and turning her while she is being disagreeable and generally unco-operative.
Before that your baby will be crying for food or screaming with colic while grandma needs help to the bathroom and "can't" wait. She will be very jealous of the baby.
Will you want to entertain your own friends (in grandma's house)
How about personal time in bed? How relaxed will you feel if grandma can hear everything or you need to keep one ear open for her in case she calls.
What about grandma disaproving the way you do everything.
Can you cook to grandma's satisfaction?
Are you prepared to iron grandma's clothes?
Do you have a job you wish to return to after maternity care?
How about grandma hearing the baby crying perhaps while you are taking a shower and she picks him/her up to soothe and somehow drops the baby.
There are so many negatives to this. just because grandma will only agree to you and hubby taking care of her should be a very big warning sign.
So I add my own DON'T DO IT. DON'T EVEN DO IT FOR A TRIAL PERIOD.

If your husband in un-moved by the startling unanimity of this board (this hardly ever happens) please have him talk to YOUR doctor about this. Stress like this is not good for pregent moms. Who is going to "watch" grandma while you're giving birth? When you have an emergency with the baby? Is he expecting you to do labor and delivery solo?

Also, have you started interviewing pediatricians yet? I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice and tell you that lining up a doctor for your baby, preferably one who is affiliated with the hospital in which you will give birth, is a really good idea. It's much harder to get a sense of who a doctor is, and how they treat you (not condescendingly is key) BEFORE they are holding your actual newborn. Having a previously established relationship, person to person, engenders trust and respect on both sides. And then, when you and your husband have agreed on a pediatrician, talk to HER/HIM about this idea of your husband's, that you two and the baby should move in with grandma.

An additional thought. Having a baby around grandma is not going to be good for grandma's health. Little children pick up germs and generally blow them away like feathers. Grandma's, not so much. My own grandma died of pneumonia which was the result of a cold that my much younger brother brought home from school. Also, please watch out for grandma's hygiene. My mother has completely foresworn handwashing after toileting since her cognition started to decline. Getting her to wash her hands or use hand sanitizer before she held her newborn great-grandson was a major hassle.

Please have your husband read all of the postings here. His and your first responsibility is to your immediate family - the two of you and your baby. Period. If your husband wants to help his grandmother, he should help find qualified assistance in her home, assisted living, or a nursing home. She may "insist" on whatever she wants to insist on, but she has progressive dementia. We've all know loved ones who "insisted" on living in his/her own home or living with another family member, and it didn't work out. After a period of adjustment in an elder/dementia care facility, s/he came to regard that facility as "home". Most of us are not qualified to care for a loved one with dementia. While it's touching your husband wants to help his grandmother, the solution is NOT you moving in, especially with a new baby who deserves your attention. Oh, my goodness!

Sweetie; everyone else has said it better than I could. DON'T DO IT. One of my baby books (my youngest is 30 years old this year) said: "Don't become a nurse for an elderly relative at the time you have a newborn". No explanation. Until you experience having a newborn, you CANNOT know the amount of work, worry and exhaustion it entails. Your husband, though generous of soul, is misguided. If grandma's needs are great enough to qualify her for NH, then she needs three shifts of care, not one overwhelmed new mom. Stand your ground, honey, and good luck. Let us know what happens.

Great idea Sunflo2 !!!! Have husband stay with her for at the least 2 weeks... Don't get involved in her care... I can guarantee if he does it all alone he will change his mind...

The vote has been taken and the results are 100% DO NOT DO THIS. There are so many reasons not to agree to this unreasonable request. Your dear husband just has not a clue about how any aspect of the changes to come will affect him.

sunflo2 had an excellent idea, have your hubby spend a couple of weeks living full time 24/7 with his Grandmother to get a first hand look on what needs to be done to help her. Maybe he's under the impression that his Grandmother is going to be this dotting Grandmother who will be playing with the baby, baking chocolate chip cookies, and helping with the cooking/cleaning.

Your hubby has to realize that some day his Grandmother may start behaving aggressively, either physically or verbally because of her dementia. She might become jealous of the baby as this progresses. So living together isn't the answer.

You mentioned you have the resources to pay for someone to come in to care for your Grandmother during the day. You shouldn't have to be paying for the care of your Grandmother .... that money should be going for the care of the new baby and his/her future education.

As others have mentioned, show your hubby this website, go to "Forum Topics" and have him read about Caregiver burn out, etc.

Where are Grandma's children in all this? I cannot believe any female would allow this to happen to a new mother and baby. Yep I agree with the list of things he will need to do at Grandma's while you and baby are safe and sound in your own home.

You and this precious new life should be his first and only priority. Be sure to take him to your next doctor's visit and ask the doctor about this crazy idea.

PLEASE do your research on this site and encourage husband to do the same. This would be a disaster for your young family and destroy your relationship.

Grandma will need increasing skilled care and time. She will not get better. It's magnanimous that he wants to help grandma but hope is is not expecting anything in return.

What if you move in and then grandma gets hurt or more ill and has to go into nursing care? Where will you go when the house has to be sold to finance her care?

What happens when you want to take a vacation? Who will care for grandma? How do other aunts uncles grandchildren feel about this? What are there estate expectations when grandma dies? Kick you out to sell the house and split the proceeds? Don't assume it will never happen in your family....there are many here that have lived thru that heartache and trauma.

What happens to grandma if you change your mind and decide this isn't working out or hubby or you have a job transfer?

Not trying to be a downer, but please think long and hard and do all your research. The grandma you visit today is not the same one who you will know day in and day out after 24hrs care under the same roof.

Maybe husband should move in with her for 2 was full time and see how it works out first without you.

At the very least, tell him you will not agree unless grandma transfer deed and title to you before you move in and secondly, that he/she has to agree to housekeeper each week and in home care for grandma at least a few hours a week and/or she attends senior center daily in her locale. Then at least you will have time with the baby and friends, mom activities etc which you can't watch both.

Your husband may be thinking in terms of this being short term. People can live with dementia for many years. Ask him if he is willing to devote the next 10 years to his grandmother while maintaining the home you just bought.

Bookluvr sums it up well. Her post also made me think of neglect of the baby, forced by having to choose between the baby and GM, who will become more and more demanding.

You don't want to put your child into that situation for any reason.

By moving into grandma's home, you will be at her mercy. She Will call the shots. And she Will expect more and more from you. Not necessarily hubby - because he's a man, and her grandchild. But you will be a different story. As a woman, it's your job to take care of her, of your hubby, feed them, and jump to all her demands. It may start out as requests, but as her dementia progresses, it Will become demands. And when you fall short (which you Will), she will complain to all the relatives how you guys are freeloaders, you Tried to buy a house and that didn't work, and how you're not doing anything at all. She has to do all the work.

As for your newborn, trust me on this, the baby's cries Will Grate on her nerves...just as it did to my dad's (when my nieces would visit with their newborns). And as grandmother's disease progresses, she will NOT understand why you and hubby want some family time (you, hubby and baby) in Her house or going out (babysitter for grandmother at home). She most likely will refuse having someone come to her home so that you, hubby and baby can go out (July 4th parade, special events at the Mall, etc...) She will NOT understand that your first priority is to your infant - to toddler - to young child to elementary child, etc... In other words, it doesn't matter, as your child grows up and the years go by, that your child comes first. Nope.

When my dad got his stroke (which accelerated his senility), he understood that his bedridden wife came first - in feeding and changing pampers. But a year later, he was beginning to get irritated that I was doing mom first. We have gotten into an argument because I refused to do him first. He wanted to be first. It was getting so bad, that I was actually soooo relieved when mom passed away within that year he became self-centered. Because I didn't like where it was going. And I was already past the caregiver burnout, and was beginning to black-out, severe dizziness, etc... I was very close to killing myself from exhaustion (full time job, come home and take over the shift, changing their pampers all by my self, etc...or hospitalized (per therapist) ....or heart attack (per my physician.)

Your grandmother will not understand this - only about her wants, her needs, in her home. There Are Other Ways of helping grandmother. Moving in is not the only option.

Make a list of things your husband (not you!) would have to do if he wanted to move in with your GM and care for her, since you will be too busy caring for your baby in your own home.

It seems as though he doesn't have any idea how much attention a newborn will require.

(Sigh...if only men could have the babies, perhaps they'd understand)

He should also be helping you FIRST care for the child you will have, not his GM, especially given her demonstrated obstinacy.

This woman sounds like she's used to calling the shots, being demanding, and getting what she wants. Best to nip this in the bud, stand your ground, and definitely don't move into her home. You'll end up like Cinderella, if you last that long. Caring for a newborn is more than a fulltime job.

You have to think of your new baby first and ensure the best environment for this baby. They deserve it as do both of you. Advancing dementia means just that and I agree with previous advice regarding both of you to read posts on this forum and understand how difficult it can be. I can't imagine a newborn living with a grandma with advancing dementia. No guilt here - finding the right facility to live in I believe would be a good alternative. Plus having an elderly person living with a new baby would not be good for anyone. My mother lived in a NH and she became quite content. There is a period of adjustment, of course. We all want to stay in our own homes; but in most circumstances that is not the best choice. I have already told my children that if I become demented - they should not have any guilt about my living elsewhere. I love them so much and do not ever want to be a burden. Blessings to you and hope all works out.

Also I would NEVER ask my own children to care for me or their Dad... I know first hand what being a caregiver to a 92 year old dementia patient entails.. It's not a bed of roses!!!

If Grandma has the right to refuse to go to a nursing home, you certainly have the right to refuse to move into Grandma's house. In fact, since you are in your right mind and can reason this through, your decision should carry much more weight than hers. The fact that your husband would respect her wishes but needs to be "convinced" about yours is disturbing.

On the positive side, it sounds like hubby is a generous and compassionate guy. He just needs to adjust his priorities.

Grandma has dementia. If she said she wants to spend the rest of her life on a cruise ship, would he be racing around trying to make that happen? What someone wants, what is best for them, and what is practical to provide may be three entirely different things. This is a truth he will be faced with as a father. Best he start learning that right now.

No. Just no.

I agree.. Don't do it!!!!!! You can offer to help her find/hire caregivers.. She should pay not you..

Tell your husband to read through this site.. You need to take care of yourself and your child...

Grandma has to realize that everyone ages and help is available, but not you!!!!

Please don't become me!!!

Doesn't Grandma have any children? What about your husbands Mom or Dad?

Have him read all of the posts on this site, that start with "I moved in with..." Everyone one of them have been disasters.

Read the ones where the young wife is working 24/7 to take care of the elderly in-law and the other relatives expect her to pay rent, for living there.

Read the ones where multiple locks have to be put on the exterior doors, because grandma likes to walk away, at night.

Read about changing grandma's Depends and trying to make her take a bath.

I am 60. My mother is 95 and is very healthy at NH. She just about wasted away at home, but now, she is healthy. You would not be doing the grandma any favors by trying to take care of her. Are either one of you CNAs, LPNs, or RNs?

No way would I take a new born, there. Grandma could burn the house down.

No. Just no. I mean it. No. Not open to discussion. Period. End of story.

You don't have to "convince" anyone. You don't have to do it. And you shouldn't. I think it's peculiar that your husband wants to do this in the first place, frankly.