Over and over again we see adult children and grandchildren who are filled with anxiety, depressed, frustrated and exhausted.
While I wanted my parents to be well cared for, I deeply regret that I quit working to be a full time caregiver. I regret that I lost precious time with my own family.
I made a promise to my father before he died that I would care for my mother.
I was naive and the thought of not doing the ‘hands on’ work myself didn’t even enter my mind.
I had no idea what was involved in being a full time caregiver. I only wanted my father to die in peace knowing that mom would be cared for.
I believe that my dad didn’t even realize how difficult this would become for me. Neither of my parents took care of their parents. They had no frame of reference. Nor did I.
My father would never have wanted me to struggle for so long as a caregiver. Mom died at age 95.
My mom was afraid of growing old with Parkinson’s disease and she truly hated being a burden on me. Oh, she had her flaws like we all do, but I look back and see that I brought a lot of the misery that I suffered upon myself.
I didn’t acknowledge that caregiving had become a huge burden on me until I went to therapy.
For those parents that have intentionally tried to impose guilt onto their children, I wish to say that I have never seen ‘guilt or shame’ motivate anyone.
Shaming someone is a tactic that is used to control others and break their spirit. All it ever accomplishes is anger and resentment. Children who continue to be a caregiver in these circumstances do so out of a sense of obligation or in some cases from fear.
I am so happy when I see people who haven’t ever fallen into this trap. They set a healthy example for others to follow. It is awful when they are criticized as being uncaring.
Children who place their parents in a facility or hire outside help do care for their parents and they are very wise to care equally for themselves. I wish that I could have done this and avoided the pitfalls of caregiving in my home.
We we had the mantra of “I’m never going to a home” in our house too. The “home” was a family failure, a prison where people were sent if their kids were irresponsible and didn’t look after them. And yes, it’s the daughter—or in our case daughter-in-law—who was expected to provide the personal care. But in my father’s family, the old people took good care of their health. They lived to nearly 100, and still could take stairs, and still worked in their gardens, and still managed their later lives that they had simplified intentionally to the bare minimum. The in-town relatives, and there were many in their small town, picked up the minimal slack, helping with other basic needs. Put another way, they took care of their own business and everyone had realistic expectations.
Mom’s parents, on the other hand, were immigrants with chaotic, angry, out-of-control expectations of everyone but themselves. And my mom, one of four daughters, was the one who was suckered into dumping her own life down a hole to manage their care. Endless doctor visits, did all the insurance, did all the housework, shopping, lived with us for awhile, mom found and furnished the perfect apartment just down the street, then finally mom found the perfect care home for her mean mother.
And my dad’s responsible parents, (he is one of two sons,) who did their best to plan, but lived three hours away, got almost NO care from anyone. My dad was commandeered into caring for mom’s parents. The good, balanced people came to a bad end. The chaotic, narcissistic, mean and demanding parents got all the help. I think this happens a lot.
It was a lesson to me, no question. Mom cared for her parents—alone—instead of her own family and kids. It was not right.
everything is different today. Lives are too complex for a child to step in and manage parents’ care. I was taking my own MIL to various doctors three times a week for a bit—every little pain needed a trip to a specialist. Dentist three times a year, cardiologist quarterly, rheumatologist every month, bloodwork separate visit, eye shots every several months... and she is healthier than most. But the expectation was there that I would do all this! And me, not her own daughter. They moved here so “their son could take care of them.” Yeah, right. Sorry, I am venting! No I no longer do this.
All this said, society has changed. Everything is terribly complex. I enjoy reading the occasional post here about “what would you do differently?”
Finally, my parents had NO idea what a “home” is like today. They were picturing the many horrible places from 74 years ago. Good people have done SO much to make these places good places to be. I am so happy my mom has the opportunity to socialize and eat good food with friends.
It’s a new day, but maybe with good new things, if we will embrace them. And not refuse to participate in the new care systems!
I’m so happy that you have found a suitable place for your mom and she is able to socialize with others her own age.
So, I'm going to say that everyone out there who ever made this promise should renege on it. The care"giving" quickly graduates to care"slavery" and God help the poor untrained person with no back round or experience with elder care who is doing it.
You are spot on about the shaming and guilt-tripping accomplishing nothing but anger and resentment.
I grew up being daily shamed and bullied by my mother. I was her target to abuse and she really broke my spirit early on in childhood.
I was lucky to have married young to a man who was loving, kind, and supportive. His family was the same. I had never seen a family like this and between them and therapy, I was able to be fixed.
I went years without even speaking to my mother. I came back to caregive for her. This was supposed to be an arrangement that suited us both and it did for a little while. I've held out in it with her for financial reasons but I don't need to anymore.
She knows that I will walk away and leave her out in the cold or in a care facility at the drop of a hat and won't lose a moment's sleep over it.
I've been guilted and shamed by her my entire life and it doesn't even faze me now.
Many of those adult children who were abused by shame and guilt are caregiving for parents are doing so because their own life circumstances leaves them with no other choice. It is not out of fear or any sense of obligation for their needy and abusive parents.
I hope that anyone who reads this thread will NEVER allow their parents or in-laws to force them to make that heinous promise to never put them in a "home".
If a person wants to try caregiving for a needy parent or relative, they most certainly should. Of course they should try if they want to.
It should always be on a day-to-day basis with no promises. When a person wants their own life back, a different arrangement is made for the care recipient.
He had absolutely no frame of reference of what it would be like for me. He lost his mother and father when he was a young man.
My father was extremely loving and kind. He adored my mother and just wanted to know that she would be taken care of properly.
I certainly know that isn’t the case for everyone. Some people have always been selfish.
Your mom hasn’t been kind to you. From what you have said, she has been very selfish. I remember your story of how your mom behaved at your wedding. I was delighted to see that you didn’t invite her to your next wedding. Good for you! She didn’t deserve to be there.
I know someone who continuously whines about not being invited to her daughter’s wedding and I have told her that if she hadn’t tried to run the show that she would have been invited. She got upset with me. Well, the truth hurts sometimes. It was her daughter’s wedding and not her wedding.
It is horrible when parents are selfish. They got to live their lives and should understand that their children deserve to live their lives.
I hope that your caregiver days will end soon. My caregiver days for my mother lasted way longer than they should have.
Don’t hang in there as long as I did. It’s truly not worth it. Not worth it for them or us. They shouldn’t have to be cared for by someone who is weary, tired and resentful and we should be able to be free to live life to the fullest.
I have been caring for her for the past 9 months and it has been made very clear to me that she has just come home to live in her recliner and watch TV for the rest of her life. She has no concept of just how she’s negatively affecting my husband and I, but more so me. My older brother passed from complications of diabetes in January of 2020 and my mother has gone downhill ever since and has now been “modeling” his behavior. She does not do any of the exercises from her time with PT/OT, she has no stamina and/or body strength and needs help with EVERYTHING. She is fast becoming more incontinent (both urine and feces) and it sucks the soul right out of my body each time she tells me that she’s had an “accident” on the way to the toilet. Caregiving is not something that I would ever choose to do, I just don’t have the stomach or patience for it.
I have instructed both of my boys and my DIL to never take me into their home and disrupt theirs lives. Just find me a decent care facility and come visit. I am currently trying to convince my husband that we need to plan for our older years when we can’t care for ourselves any longer. I want us to plan out where we will go and hopefully find an independent living to full time care facility now so that my kids don’t have to find one.
I resent having to give up my rewarding and fulfilling job to care for someone who has no concern for me or my well being. I am exhausted, depressed and have anxiety attacks every time that I need to clean up the “accidents”, but my mother still refuses to see a specialist to see if anything can be done to help her. She is refusing to take charge of her life and health and will not listen to anyone.
I refuse to allow my children to feel this way about me.