My mom has been in an AL with private care givers for 8 months. Her cost of care is 140k a year. She’s 80, 100% cognitive but an extreme fall risk. Been hospitalized/rehab twice before I hired private caregivers. Between her savings and monthly property incomes she has enough for about 10 yrs. After that we can sell one of her rental properties which would give her another 8 yrs. She will never need to sell everything unless she lives to 150! I’m her only daughter and her POA. My 2 brothers seem heartless and only focus on the money. HER money btw. One has asked me several times in heated debates over her cost of care, “how much longer do you think she’s going to live?” I break out in tears with this question. I don’t know how to handle this question and it makes me so confused and depressed. How can her son feel this way? Fyi fantastic mom who sacrificed a lot for her children.
The best is getting that attorney. As far as your brothers are concerned I would just say its her money not ours so she can do with it the way she wants too.
Prayers again
As Alva said, as POA you do not give out any financial info. Thats between u and Mom. Same with Medical. It realky is a shame though that you have to hire outside help when you are paying big time for an AL. I would hope that the care part of her bill reflects that she has private aides so that part of her bill is fairly small.
Me, I would not have invited my brothers to dinner. Tell husband he is free to tell them off. Got to learn a comeback for what they say. Me, I always think of something 1/2 hour later and then its too late.
I did hire an elder law attorney to set up a trust for my mom because all she had was a simple Will. I would inherit a 3rd of real estate bound with my brothers. I told my mom I wanted my third in a cash payout and hasta la vista. My mom completely understands and told me not to worry about it. My brothers were not happy with me because the trustee(local bank trust dept) will have to liquidate property’s to pay me my share. I’ll probably never speak to them again when this angel leaves us.
Just say that it's inappropriate to speculate on your mother's potential longevity, and that your brothers should be like and consider how they can be of help and support now, so that they don't feel guilty being so inconsiderate and self absorbed.
You could also ask what they have to offer in anticipation of the windfall they're apparently expecting, i.e., you could use help with....house cleaning, lawn management, something they can easily do. .
Then hang up if this is a phone call, leave the room if it's an in person discussion, or whatever, but terminate the conversation and don't give them a chance to respond. It may not work, but it should at least shame them.
BTW, those with their eyes on inheritance often are sneaky, and might be documenting you to challenge you later. So do that: document (privately) what you do, and are spending. It wouldn't surprise me if the brothers demanded to know how you're managing your mother's funds.
If you can ignore him, I’d strongly suggest that. Also in my case when I spend mom’s money on mom’s care, I remind myself that this is money that my greedy sibling will never get. This line of thinking gives me some devious joy I admit. Every steep medical bill I pay down with mom’s own money, I think, “ha HA! “
Vigorous exercise helps a ton too or I’d blow a gasket I swear.
Sending you good thoughts!
Thank heavens that your Mom knew who here should be the POA. Remember, you as POA owe nothing to the others, not an explanation of any kind. This is your job; you were the one appointed to act in your parent's best interest and you are clear (thank goodness) in your mind that you are doing the right thing.
You are going to need, when you are strong and able and clear in your own mind enough to do it, to sit down the rest of the family and let them know how they are allowed to speak to you if they wish any contact whatsoever.
I am thankful for your Mom that she has the assets to care for herself. I hope you are also her executor. I am thankful you are clear in your mind and we aren't hearing the litanies of "uncertainty" and "guilt" as they are inappropriate for certain.
I was POA and Trustee for my brother's trust. He lived his life as a waiter. He was so proud of how he saved all his life, coupon clipper that he was, and I was so proud to report to him that he could not conceivably outlive what he had saved (and he didn't) and I could ensure he got the best care there was (he did).
So you carry on. And I think it will take no more than a few visits with a therapist (I suggest Licensed Social Worker trained in life transitions therapy) to reassure you that standing up to your brothers will bring you the peace you need and that you so richly DESERVE.
My best to you.
My brother also went into money mode with my folks and asked me (the Trustee) for an advance on his inheritance to buy out his ex-wife from her half of their house.
Yeah, no. Not happening.
I had to tell him that the money was still Mom's, and it needed to work for her in her investments. Not surprisingly, he came to find out that the ex had no intention of selling to him anyway, and that situation remains in flux today, 2+ years later. Now he has his half of most of his inheritance, and he's paralyzed at the thought of paying for a hotel room or anything over $100.
Just ignore your brother, or you can also ask him with wide-eyed innocence, "Why on earth would you want to know?"
IGNORE the questions like that.
If you really want to get him tell him to direct ALL questions regarding mom to her attorney. (and you know each question will cost $$$)
Any questions about her health can be directed to her doctors. (and you know the response there will be that they can not give out any information due to HIPAA laws)
As to "heated debates"
Get up and leave the room.
Hang up the phone
Do not debate.
Do not engage in the conversations.
I know it is difficult, if not impossible to shut it all out but it will get slightly easier each time.
ignore the comments, when it starts take a breath and mentally tell yourself patience… I do it with my mom. It helps me to not engage and react. I might have to do it numerous times. Just know you are doing as your mom asked of you.
AWWWWFUL.
I look forward to justice against your brother.
What level of care does HE think she needs? Is he happy to welcome her into his home?
Get some support for yourself--here, an in-person caregivers group, therapy. Learn techniques to stand up the the ignorant people in your life.