Mom and her husband have been married for 37 years. They have lived a lovely lifestyle. He has catered to her every whim, specifically her habit of buying homes then spending hundreds of thousands of dollars fixing them and selling them for a loss. She frequently decides she wants to relocate after only a few years to live in an area with more social clout. This has been going on since the early 80's. They have spent his lifetime earnings as a PhD, her sizable inheritance and a large insurance settlement due to my grandmother being killed in a car accident ten years ago.
Lo and behold in 2022 they are down to a few thousand dollars. I am a single mother raising an autistic child by myself and am carefully balancing my inheritance from my father that I got in 2019. My money is invested and cannot be disturbed.
I know as sure as the sun rises she is coming for me. My stepfather has dementia and will likely not be able to be without some kind of supervisory care within 12-18 months. I refuse to buy her a home and she cannot live with me. My brother also refuses to do the same. Both of us have helped them with planning, budgeting, housework and more. Still, my mother has refused to listen or stick to any plan we have given her.
What shall I do when they cannot grocery shop or keep the lights on? She is hostile and abusive and her husband has watched her treat me this way since I was ten years old. It's going to be an epic disaster and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that I battled addiction in my 20's and needed rent money here and there and a criminal defense lawyer 20 years ago, which she has never let me live down. She also loves to remind me how much money I cost her growing up (gymnastics, horse riding lessons, family vacations).
Advise me, please.
I'd simply say, "You didn't plan for your retirement? Neither did I."
But with an autistic son to raise by yourself and a job, you don't have the time nor the responsibility to be ferrying her all over town. She is gaslighting you that YOU cost her. She chose to go on vacations with you, and maybe the gymnastics and horse riding lessons were to look good and fit in with her social circles activities with their children. Narcissists make it ALL about themselves. She may throw tantrums about your being ungrateful and selfish, but that's also manipulation. A friend of mine had a very narcissistic husband, and after 17 years had developed a very low self-image. The only thing that made her leave him was his throwing their teenage daughter across a room.
And as for the defense attorney and the rent money, do you think she did that out of love for you or out of a desire to use that against you in the future, save face in front of her friends? Maybe she felt good about being the "hero" in that situation? I don't trust the motivations of narcissists.
Your brother and you can have a unified front. Don't let her come for just one of you.
1) Next time your mother reminds you of your childhood, ask her if she would like a couple of horse riding or gymnastic sessions. Fair’s fair.
2) Don’t be angry with your step-sister. Tell her the situation and ask her if she will take responsibility to sort out her father and his wife. Of course she won't, but it’s just the same as you doing the same for your mother and her husband. Present a united front! Share the dramas! Telling your mother what she says might help to get the message across.