How do you deal with your feelings of resentment when your siblings don’t help?

lovesdad, I agree with your comment, except I believe the majority of the siblings that do not help with their aging parents, do not feel guilty. Most of them, twist and turn the situation around, and blame it on the siblings that are helping, saying that the helping siblings are "too attached to their parents", etc., and also the non-helping siblings try to represent themselves as the "normal" adult children of the family, especially if the non-helping siblings are married and have children. They use that as their excuse for not doing anything, as it gets them off the hook if they are "busy" with their family. In other words, as incredible as it sounds, they blame the helping siblings. To me, many of the non-helping siblings have supreme arrogance, and they are not my kind of people.

My father passed away, so I dont talk to one of my sisters anymore. Its better to leave the person who hurt our father to herself to feel guilt her entire life now. May she go to hell.

Occasionally I get po'd at my sibs for not visiting my Dad more often or contacting me to see how he is, but for the most part, when that anger and hurt rears it's ugly head, I try to remember 2 things: 1) I can do all things thru Christ Jesus who strengthens me, and 2) bless and release. Holding onto the anger and hurt will surely hurt me worse than them. I've been taking care of my Dad since 2014. I had quadruple bypass surgery 6 months ago - without much warning so I've had to learn to let go of a lot of crap to preserve my health. No way in hell are they worth a heart attack, so I have to bank my sorrow at all they're missing and thank the Lord that I've been able to be with my Dad so much. Frankly, when he's gone, I'm done. I sincerely hope they stay close to each other cuz big sister has done her duty and will do no more.

Unfortunately, some adult children of aging parents that are out of the picture when the aging parents need help, do indeed return and try to represent themselves as caring adult children when it is time to collect the inheritance. Selfish beyond belief. I would not blame anyone if they ended a sibling relationship with a sibling that stubbornly refused to help them.

I have two sisters who refuse to help, one comes to town twice a year for a couple days, on my moms dime, questions me. changes things around for no reason. Brings her grandkids so still has an excuse not to help while shes here! I want to shake her! If you refuse to help GO AWAY!

Wow...it's so amazing that so many of us have gone through this. Part of the problem is a society that separates us by age and from our family, while there isn't ongoing open discussions about serious illness and end of life issue...unless your in the situation. Care ends up totally unbalanced when these things come. The one with the biggest heart or just close enuogh take the load. I STAYED close to my mom even when ti meant losing more juicy choices in life. My sister thinks I'm just nearer...Really I dont know what she thinks..just not much about mom anymore. She said she already gave all she had to give.

I"m in an odd situation in that I would rather my sibling not bother because when she does come around she purposely tries playing our mother and I against each other, as she continues to try and push to get our mother shoved into a home...our mother can afford in home services and I am of the opinion she deserves to live out her life in the home she and her husband worked hard for and she deserves to have the care of family members opposed to strangers in a facility

No, you're not. For over 23 years, I updated my numerous siblings of bedridden mom's health. I would never have thought that they would be like other siblings you read here on AC when a parent dies. They did. Insisted we divide mom's funeral money among all 8of us. They didn't think to ask bedridden dad, the surviving spouse, what he wants to do with the money. Dad told his sister to give me the money because I took care of mom all these years. I became disillusioned with my siblings. Something broke within me, the sense of betrayal. It's not the money. By insisting that we divide the money equally, they made me realize that ALL those VERBAL praises to me were just noise. Action speaks louder than words. Only baby brother gave me his portion. One out of 7 siblings. Since then, I have dramatically stopped updating them on dad. Nor do I write to them on anything else. If they really want to know, they can come home for a visit instead of taking mini vacations throughout the year to other places.

My sister lived in another state when our parents were in their last years. She was never around when there was a crisis and shied away from decision making. I only received criticism for decisions I had to make. What irritated me was that many of these decisions were medical and she is a nurse. I could not get my sister to return documents she was to sign. The dispensing of our parents' household, monitoring our father's care in a nursing home, and legal matters were left to me although I, too, worked full time. My sister almost did not come to his funeral and left all the arrangements, as usual, to me. Now she relies on me to call her to stay in touch. Am I being petty in resenting this?

Agree KatieKay, we can't judge others without the facts. Every situation is different. In my case, for many reasons, after several shifts of care that my mother could do for herself, I have decided to step back. My mother is 4 weeks post op and could easily empty her own colostomy bag, but refuses to even look while her daughters do the task. I can't support her claim for continued 24/7 care to manage a colostomy.

Traumadoc, that may be true IN YOUR CASE..but all situations are different. I assure you few of us enjoy caregiving and would prefer to have our lives back. I was not the favorite..the black sheep in fact.

I did not choose to care for my parents..i did it because my siblings would not and someone had to step up. By the way..i work full time and have no successfull husband to support me.

No need to judge others here without knowing the facts.

You folks choose to be codependent. Don't blame your siblings for setting limits. Many parents have favorites. My mother abused me physically and verbally. I feel some obligation to help with medical decision making, (I am a healthcare professional) but not much in terms of the bedside care. She has long term healthcare insurance that would cover a skilled nursing facility but refuses to go. My other single sister and I work full time. The sister favorite doesn't work, her husband is successful. The favorite sisterchooses to make my mother's care her project. Fine. BUT DON'T BLAME ME.

How could we not become resentful of our siblings who don't assist with the caregiving? We'd have to be more than human not to!
I used to feel so angry and resentful of my brother for his lack of help in caring for our parents, but now I'm just resigned to it. He does not want to be involved and there isn't anything I can do to change that fact.
It is sad though because my brother and I used to be close. I know that when this caregiving experience is over for me I doubt if I'll have much to do with him. Not because I hate him or anything like that, but because I will have a lot of living to catch up on and I doubt if I'll have much time for him.

I have to agree with the others....there is nothing you could say to your siblings to change the way they are about this. There are 6 of us and I get absolutely no help whatsoever and god forbid I ask for help, I get my head bit off for even thinking of asking for help. I have unfortunately decided to detach and withdraw myself from my siblings, not all, most, but the few I still have contact with, I barely talk to anyway. Once mom is gone, I'll be able to cut the cord entirely. I'm so sickened by how little they care and the fact that they expect me to handle everything, the youngest of the bunch. I always thought I could look up to my oldest siblings for advice, comfort, and assistance, but they blow me off as if I am a complete stranger. I cannot even express the disgust I feel. This is not what family is about. I took the verbal abuse for years and I am now in my 40's and it has taken me this long to realize that I just need to cut the toxic people out of my life. There is nothing you could say or do to change them. Same thing happened when my dad died. I was the only one there. My dad relied on me and I have no regrets for being there for him. They have to live with their own guilt for not being there. Disgusting, soul less, selfish, people. No room for people like that in my life. I will do my best for my mom without them, but I will not be door mat anymore. Done with each and every one of them.

I'm so glad I was able to read all these posts. Just feeling you're not alone in your experiences is helpful to the psyche. My mother-in-law is 85 with Alzheimer's. She lives in a retirement mobile home park my husband and I moved her to a couple of years ago, and her 55-year old deaf son lives off of her as he has done for many years now. No intention of caring for her; just a free ride. My husband and I take care of all her needs; he's POA. We take care of finances, upkeep of home, food, cooking, etc. My husband has to remind his brother every time he goes over there of the things he needs to do, and he's just not realizing his living there depends on her ability to stay independent. She's had Alzheimer's for five years. Anyway, there are four additional siblings, two others local and one closer than us geographically, but everyone is too busy and happy with their own lives and are perfectly comfortable to leave absolutely everything to my husband and me. They don't even call to see how she's doing. Amazing. I am reading on here of all the guilt feelings because of resentment toward these types of siblings, no desire for relationship now or in future, but what else do you have in common if it's not your parents? So we just go on day by day and trust God that He is Sovereign over all things and He is good. I am truly thankful that my MIL has us, because if she didn't, she'd have no one.

The best thing to do for yourself is to let it go and posted above it is like taking poison yourself-I tried to help my brother by trying to talk to his son and wife about taking care of him and it backfired-now he is so made at me and never wants to speak to me again-it is easier on you to just it is what it is and not expect others to see what is right before them-most people do not want t change their lifestyles and if they recognize what is in front of them they will have to change what they are doing and they just do not want to do that-and the sooner you realize they do not care and just do what you need to do you will be better off-there will be judgment day for every one to account for their behavior-we can only control us-it is not fair but that is the way it is-you can ask once for help and if you d not get it don't ask again-it will do no good except to upset you. 2 Tired gets it -it is what it is.

I'm grateful to read these posts. I've been consumed with resentment towards my sibs regarding my mother's care. I've felt very alone. Learning how common this issue is in other families oddly gives me some comfort. It's been stomach-turning stressful, and I'm someone who generally takes very good care of myself, but I have a family - 2 kids - a job, and an seriously ailing parent who lives with us. Both of my sibs have no children, sometimes no job, and lots and lots of instability in their own lives. Both are completely broke and unable to face reality. I feel like I'm talking with children when I talk with them and we are all beyond middle age. I pray for relief from resentment towards them - I struggle with it more and more. It's demoralizing asking them to help because they don't "get" the issues and also feel that if they do something small "it's all good." They pat themselves on the back and tell everyone about how they are helping their poor mother. And yet it does not occur to them to ask me about her ongoing care, to have a family meeting, to do some planning for Mom, to discuss the complex issues, or to collaborate with caretaking - and I am WAY TOO TIRED to take the lead AGAIN and teach them these basic adult lessons. Our mom is well cared for - I'm very happy about that but there's a lot of bitter with the sweet. Ouch, ouch, ouch...

I agree with everything already said here, sometimes, most times, getting siblings involved is actually so hard and time consuming and emotionally draining, that it's just not worth it. Rarely, but sometimes, cold hard figures and the financial responsibility will finally get through to siblings.

So, I always suggest the following:

Private sitters range from $7.50 - $50.00 AN HOUR according to where you live.

Nursing Homes range from $4,000.00 to $15,000.00 per month based on where you live..

So, for private sitters, take the low financial cost of $10.00/hr times 24 hours in a day comes to $240 per day times 7 days in a week brings us to $1,680.00, so for one year's costs that's 52 weeks times $1,680.00 brings us to $87,360.00! Tell your siblings they either start forking over SOME MONEY and PHYSICAL HELP or you will be forced to hire someone to do this and that each sibling will be billed for their fair share, so if there are three siblings total including you, that comes to $29,120.00 per year. So, if she stays in your home, the siblings other than you have to pay you everything over your fair share of the $87,360.00 so you can hire a sitter when you need one, and that money they pay you will also be spent to pay for sitters or respite care so you can take time off one day a week to spend time with friends and go to your children's ballgames or activities, for one weekend getaway a month with your family and two week long family vacations a year. Trust me, just to remain sane and keep your family together and to have any friends, you owe this to yourself.

So, for the Nursing Home route, take the low financial side of $5,000.00 per month which brings the total care costs for your Mother to only $60,000.00 per year, or $20,000.00 per sibling per year (again, based on 3 siblings). But, keep in mind, NH do not provide phone or phone service, TV or cable service, patient's family is required to provide toiletries, either do or pay the facility for laundry services, and you're still responsible for paying for her medicines, medical bills for physician services and tests, etc. This route could actually end up costing you and your siblings over $100,000.00 per year OR MORE if your Mom has a lot of extra expenditures. If your Mother is indigent, you can get her on Medicaid, but do this quickly because Medicaid rules are changing under the Affordable Care Act (better known as Obamacare). Also keep in mind, that if your Mother owns an Estate of any kind, a home and furnishings, etc. that Medicaid Expense Recovery Program (known as MERP) steps in once your Mother passes away. They can and WILL make the "heirs" either pay back ALL MEDICAID EXPENSES your Mother incurred, or force the heirs to sell the Mother's property and MERP will take all of the proceeds up to the amount owed. The home has to be sold at today's market prices or MERP can require the rest of the bill to be covered by the "heirs". So, a sibling can't buy the family home back for anything less than fair market value. Also, if the home or her estate has been "given" to family members within the last few years (I believe it's 7 years at this time) Medicaid will not cover your Mother until the people who received your Mother's gifts have paid the Nursing Home the equivalent of the fair market price of the gift. This too, is getting stickier now that ACA/Obamacare is taking effect as Medicaid is going to be harder to get as the focus of elderly care goes more to the family rather than the government.

Many states have archaic Filial Responsibility Laws which means the children can be held responsible for paying for their parents' Nursing Home debt. Although these laws have not been used in years, many states are brushing them off and revising them, so children need to be aware if their parent lives in one of these states. (For a list of states with these archaic laws on the books go here: If your Mother's state is on this list, you have added fuel for your argument for physical help from your siblings, as well as to get them to start forking over some cash to help you out.

Here is a RECENT case where a Pennsylvania man was forced to pay for his Mother's nursing home bill. He had siblings, but none of them were forced to cover any of the expenses, just the one son who the nursing home proved had enough money to cover it. So, please, get yourself some legal advice from an Elderly Care Attorney NOW so this doesn't happen to you should you have to put your Mother into a facility. http://www.nextavenue.org/article/2012-07/could-you-be-forced-pay-moms-nursing-home-bill

GOD BLESS YOU and your Mother for what you are going through. I've been there (25 years, 15 of checking on Mom three to four times daily while she lived alone to be sure she was well fed, taking her medicine, bathing, clean house, take to doctor and grocery and hospital - and 10 years of full-time care in my home.) Believe me, I know what you're going through (my brother bought Mom one meal in the ten years she lived with me and that's all he ever did for her other than constantly harp at me, especially if I asked him for a break or God forbid, for some money - which he actually agreed to cover half of her expenses but I never saw a dime of it.) So, when you do the above, make the siblings sign that they agree to pay their fair share of the NH or sitters' fees and that the money is to come to you out of each of their paychecks. Otherwise, they'll stiff you just like my worthless brother did me. (Yeah, I'm still bitter and Mom died in 2004. I accept that my brother was worthless, I just can't forgive him for turning his back on Mom. What he did to me was never the issue, but to turn his back on Mom when she needed him to help her to me is just unforgivable.)

oh nooooo.. I was doing so good forgetting about my lazy selfish siblings and just getting on with life when I hit very big wall, and all the negative feelings came back to me and I flipped out. I've had a very stressful time lately with my mother falling and breaking her ribs, father in the NH demanding to come home even though he's insane, doesn't walk and can't feed himself, doing his laundry, doing her grocery shopping, errands, meds, Depends, you name it. Then I got sick.Then my brother called and said, "So what's up?" What's up I said!!!! R u kidding me???? Do you think visiting your parents 3 times in 4 years is OK? R u really ok with that? How about giving a shit about me and how I am doing for a change!! Then he hung up on me. I lost my shit. I guess I'm not over how much I hate them. I have to get my shit together.

-SS

This happens most often and even in my parents generation. My Aunt took care of my grandmother and I had to force my parents to go sit with her so that my Aunt and Uncle could go out for a "dinner/movie date". Now it is me who has taken in my mother and my siblings have abandoned me. Although they still call her when they want money (she has none left to give) they offer no help and have even told her she is not welcome to stay in their homes. I don't talk with them and have recently moved 500+ miles away and took my mother with me. We used to live 6 miles away from my siblings and they never helped. I too understand and feel resentment as my entire life and the lives of my children have changed. My marriage was destroyed yet my siblings go on living with no change in their behavior, finances, living arrangement's or lifestyles. I no longer have a life as my mother cannot be left alone for any longer than a few hours. I sympathize with you and we could "vent" over coffee if you were close.

On the positive side, when it comes time your parent passes on, YOU will have no regret, no guilt and be at peace yourself. Your siblings on the other hand will not have that. I have decided that once my mothers time comes, that will be the last time they hear from or see me.

We just this week moved my 84 year old mother to the rental house next door to us. We totally scored--the landlord almost had it rented to someone else, but since he knew us, he rented to us--even lowered the rent for my mom! I agreed to pay for about a third of her rent so she could move closer and afford it. We have been working nonstop for days packing and moving, hauling and unloading, cleaning. Now we are unpacking and hanging curtains, setting up everything. Mom just doesn't have the "oomph" to do any of this anymore. I called my sister and said we would appreciate help in packing on a weekend. She just said "oh?" and promptly changed the subject. She called a few days ago, and said "I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you" to which I replied, "I thought you were!" And she proceeded to expound on how busy she was with her children (teenagers in high school) and how her son was so good at basketball and blah blah blah. I love my sister, but it's difficult. I make sacrifices to balance life with my husband and kids. My sister just doesn't want to help. Period. She thinks only of herself, and always wants my mother to come visit her so Mom can see her grandkids in their activities. Which is great, but...When my mother does visit, my sister doesn't think of Mom's difficulty walking, needing to eat on a regular basis, how fixed her income is (we joke about my sister always saying "I forgot my wallet") and then Mom pays for meals out (cause my sister hates to cook). It is hard to love my sister. If I mention something, it is always MY problem, not hers. Clueless. But she will be the first in line when the "estate" is settled, I'm sure. In reality, it will be a negative balance. I fantasize about giving her a Christmas card saying, "Your Christmas gift this year and for always is this: I am taking care of your elderly mother with no expense or trouble to you."

We all will be accountable for our actions someday-you can not make an adult son call his mother-of course she will say oh he is so busy-doing what he is retired.

My motto is : I shouldn't have to tell grown people to come and or phone their mother..Wow "woopty doo" you called her on Mother's Day or sent flowers(with no phone call) but never come over or call any other day of the year... I have to do what makes me feel good about myself..They have to live with their choices not me!!

I couldn't agree more that family meetings, assigned jobs and good communication DO NOT help if your siblings respond like mine have. I have tried it all at this point with no success and am in to an acceptance mode ( doesn't mean I like it, just trying to save my energy to help my 97 year old mom). I am finding somewhat that by trying to get beyond incredible resentment I am opening myself up to being more aware of the people who are there for me (even paid) who are truly caring people coming into my life. Like they say, being resentful is like wishing poison on your sibling and then drinking it yourself. I think in most cases you can't hope for them to change.

When my mother-in-law first found out she had Alzheimer's she didn't want to tell her two other children. I told her if she let them know about what was happening to her, they would be able to help her. Boy, was I wrong! The moment she told her daughter, who used to visit her every weekend. The visits stopped immediately! When she did come to visit she screamed at her mother the whole time, telling her if she tried harder she would be able to remember things. She told her it was all her mother's fault for not trying harder.
The brother that lived out West never called me to find out how his mother was doing, he would call his sister who never visited the mother and she would tell him things were fine. I was told he called his sister once a month to check up on his mother. When I contacted him and told him that his sister rarely visited his mother and he was welcome to contact me, he continued to contact his sister. I'm guessing he'd rather hear her fairytales then the truth. Some people just don't care and no matter what you do or say won't change that. My mother-in-law was a very sweet person and I live my life knowing I did everything possible to help her. Her children missed out as far as I'm concerned and they should be ashamed for abandoning their own mother in her time of need.

My parents lived with my aunt who never married until earlier this year when she entered a foster home. They were all I ever had. I was alwas second best to my youngest brother who could "never do any wrong". Eddie boy, the middle child died when he was 12. He would have been 54 had he lived. Golden boy wouldn't be so golden had Eddieboy angel lived. In certain cultures the sons are always favored over the daughters no matter what. So, no matter how dutiful, and successful the daughters are, they can never seem to please nor earn the trust compared to the sons. These 3 old people were all I ever had too. So I prayed for them every day and did everything humanly possible to please them for 25 years.
Yet, at the end, they trusted their finances and trusts to HIM, the golden son. Who now does not visit nor care about them but controls all their money. Still, I dutifully
care for them for I care for and love them very much. Trust that god knows the truth on who really loved these people unconditionally. Trust that in the end,
good will prevail. I know it takes a lot of faith. Keep on believing.

I love telling the following story, call it my little revenge if you will. I almost feel justified in telling the following little tale considering I was always seen as the black sheep when growing up. Maybe you'll see why in a moment?
The story--When I was 12 my mother had given me a order to go downstairs and get something (can't remember what now) from the landlord. My aunt, who was actually just my mother's best friend not actually related, was visiting that day and when they thought I had left the apartment I overheard my aunt tell my mom, "You better spend more time bonding with Brenda, because Vickie is going to grow up and hurt you one day. Vickie is just going to turn her back on you and never look back." I wasn't surprised my aunt said it, she was always cutting me down. However, it still hurt my feelings a great deal.--end of story.
The irony in all this is that my sister lives in another state that is a 13 hour drive, one way. I live in the home with my mother and care for her daily. My sister use to call our mother once a week. Now she can hardly remember to call on Mother's Day. This year she remembered the day after and only after I had sent her a text message inspiring guilt.
I feel the resentment, but not as much as I use to. I have tried giving my sister ideas on how to help out from a distance and I still try to involve her. My sister drops the ball every step of the way. Then I make excuses for her. What else can I do? I don't want to hate her, she's the only family I have other than my daughter.

Siblings who don't visit their parents who loved them unconditionally all their lives anger me to the core. My parents both continue to defend my brother and make excuses for my brother even if he never visits him and trusts him with all their legal and financial affairs. Now at 91 with dementia, his parents struggle daily to live on their own. My husband and I struggle with our resources to make sure they can live as comfortably and independently as possible. We have a handicapped autistic son of our own and are still working. We know that when all is said and "gone" my brother will be there for their resources. I read everyone's posts and feel their extreme resentment and anguish towards siblings that show no respect, honor and gratitude towards their parents and their unconditional love for them. Though it is extremely disturbing and I have faith at the end, goodness will prevail. All of us who continue to love and honor our parents despite the actions of our siblings will always have HIS grace.

What do you do when you've asked, begged, cried, texted, emailed, EVERYTHING including yelling and threatening to walk away and NOTHING changes? I feel trapped. I feel stuck. I am caring for my grandfather and like others have said, I wouldn't trade this time with him for anything. However, my Mom had surgery 5 weeks ago and still needs care giving of her own. It's not 24/7 like right after surgery but the doctor said she should still not be alone for long periods of time. I don't feel comfortable leaving her, the doctor doesn't want me to leave her, and my grandfather (her father) doesn't want me to leave her BUT her the one brother who was here while she healed informed us, via text message yesterday, that he was leaving tomorrow so I was expected back to my grandfathers. When I said I wouldn't be back yet because my own mother needed me, I was told, point blank, if I walked away I wouldn't be allowed back to even visit my grandfather, ever. Personally, I want to call their bluff, my Mom is freaking out and said I can't do that because we'll both be disowned. SO WHAT??? These people aren't my family. My family is my best friend, my Mom, my brother/sis-in-law and nieces... not these people who are mean, nasty, and selfish. AH! I'm at such a loss as the right thing to do? My own panic disorder (well controlled for over 15 years) is in over drive and no amount of meds is helping.

splitting - Oh yes - black and white thinking - people are either wonderful or dreadful. A couple of years ago my daughter, my sister and myself were rotated between 3 roles - the golden child, the one who didn't matter and the black sheep. We laughed about it. I preferred the black sheep as i was most used to that. My sister has gone back to pleasing my mother, so I have to stay away from her too. We do have to unlearn that lie and others. As far as guilt goes, you have paid your dues and are entitled to your own life - without that kind of stress imposed on you. Life is hard enough anyway. Glad it is getting easier by the day - means you are getting healthier :). Christina - good - some people you don't want to be pleasing to! It is not good for you. ((((hugs))))♥ Joan