A little background information about my situation…four years ago it became clear that my in-laws could no longer care for themselves. MIL had advanced dementia and FIL was showing signs too. He was also becoming increasingly frail physically and having repeated UTIs. After one particularly nasty one which landed him in hospital for a week, we finally convinced him to move (they were living two hours away at the time). He absolutely refused to consider AL so we found a senior condo complex about 20 minutes away from us. It is a very nice place with a la carte services (nurse on site, etc.), as well as some included, such as light housekeeping. I quit my job and was over there usually 4-5 times per week, helping with cooking, cleaning, appointments (FIL has a LOT of them), laundry…the regular stuff.
After about two years of this, MILs dementia progressed to the point where she was becoming violent when sundowning. We begged FIL to let us place her in memory care but he refused. Finally, staff at the condo intervened and insisted that neither he nor she were safe with her there. They told us that they would have to get social services involved if we did not place her. This was enough to finally get FIL to relent. She went into a nice home but unfortunately fell after a few months there and broke her hip. She passed away about a year ago.
While I was caring for them, I was also taking courses for a career change and working part time. I also burned out. Shortly after MIL passed, my husband quit his job and started his own business. The main reason was so that he could be more available to help with his dad (his previous job required 3 hours of commuting per day, minimum).
My MIL had mental health issues before the dementia, but for the most part we got along. It was not fun taking care of her, but doable. FIL, unfortunately, is a different story. I know the word “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot lately, but I really think that if you look it up in the dictionary, you will find a picture of him. He is horribly racist, sexist, and mean. The last time he was hospitalized for a UTI and my husband went to pick up some things from his condo, they called me asking when he’d be back because of how nasty FIL was being to the nurses. He has been telling my husband that he is worthless for his entire life. If my husband backs away from him, he will sob and say he is sorry, then start the whole cycle again.
At this point, he has become so frail that it is difficult for him to walk. If one of us is over there, he will call within an hour of our leaving to demand that we come back. Sometimes because he is afraid of falling, other times because he wants a glass of water.
He is completely dependent on us. He really can’t do anything for himself any more. His dementia, however, is at a stage where he can usually “showtime” and seem lucid around doctors, etc. Around us, he often seems lucid as well, but other times he says that he’s trapped in a foreign country and can’t find his passport.
Here’s the thing…his doctor states that he has the right to make his own decisions about how to live his life since he is not yet incompetent. I do understand that. However, I don’t understand why he has the right to decide how we live OUR lives. He has completely consumed us and it will only get worse. He does not care what this is doing to us. He states that it is our duty to care for him, even though he never took part in caring for his parents. He will never agree to go into nursing care, which the nurse at his condo agrees is where he should be. Living with us is out of the question, even though that is now what he states that he wants. I do not like this man and if he moves in here, I know he will never leave and he will destroy my marriage. Most importantly, I also have a ten year old son who deserves to have a childhood.
I suppose my question is this: why do the rights of the caregiver matter so little? I believe that elders should be treated with respect, certainly, but not at the expense of others. I think that you get one life: your own. No-one has the right to lay claim on the lives of others, parent or not. Thanks for letting me vent.
It's rough to have to find alternate care facilities on short notice before discharge. You could have some background work done before the next hospital stay. Research nearby facilities with the appropriate level of care.
Stay on this forum -- there's a wealth of information about how to deal with difficult parents.
Barb, I agree with you that the obligation to take care of my father-in-law is really in our heads. It’s really more my husband dealing with him now than me since I have stepped back quite a bit. It’s difficult for him to change.
Garden artist, wow! The people you have dealt with make FIL sound like a peach! And I know exactly what you mean, it does seem like the health professionals expect the families of elderly people to be constantly available to give whatever help is needed whenever it’s needed. I understand that their obligation is to their patients, but I wonder how willing they would be to do the same?
Cwillie, the CCAC has been coming to my father-in-law’s condo twice a day for the past few days and that will continue indefinitely. He is really not happy about it. His main complaints are that one of his caretakers is Asian and the other is Columbian. Good grief. They are going to monitor him to see how he is doing and helping with basic tasks. My husband is also in another appointment right now with the condo health people to arrange further care. That should help for time, but he really needs long-term care at this point, in my opinion.
Hope, my husband is the only child and that’s why we are responsible for taking care of my father-in-law. My husband does have power of attorney but since my father-in-law is still considered competent, he is not legally allowed to make any decision for him as of yet.
BalancedCaring, I have suggested taking my father-in-law to a dementia specialist but he refuses to go. We tried to have one come to the condo while back but he kicked the woman out.
RosePetal, what an inspiring story! If I had half the strength that you seem to have I would be very pleased with myself!
Enoughsaid, i’m having a hard enough time dealing with my father-in-law, I can’t imagine doing what you did for your cousin. Especially for seven years! I’m sorry she didn’t appreciate what you did for her.
Savitaa, I suspect what you described is what is going to have to happen. I’m pretty much expecting that after my father-in-law’s hospital stay we are going to have to tell them that he can’t come home on his own. The problem is it’s not up to me, it’s up to my husband. He’s the one buried in guilt and is having a really hard time dealing with it.
Isnteasy, I agree that we are basically the ones giving the power over to my father-in-law. At this point I have stepped back a lot and it’s me and then I husband who is dealing with him. I try to offer my husband support but there’s really not much I can do beyond that. It’s up to him to make his own decisions.
Linda 22, I agree that I need to be on the same page with my husband. He does seem to understand what needs to be done, I just seem to be having a really hard time doing it. He has arranged for some outside care, so that is a start. We both know that is just a Band-Aid and the real crisis is coming. Honestly I feel like we’re just in a holding pattern, waiting for the emergency that’s going to change everything.
Again thank you everyone for writing. I really appreciate it.
Again.. you do not have to place yourself in an abusive situation. Enabling him to continue to be a jerk to your husband which affects you and your son, is NOT a loving thing to do for anyone.
The old dad needs professional care that you cannot give him. You and your family can see him or not anytime you want. That's the way to preserve the family tie to the dad, protect your son, and protect your marriage.
Blessings and good luck
You might not like this response but, in my opinion, the only one that can change things is your husband. Unfortunately he is hog-tied in guilt, insecurity and a poor self image. Also unfortunate is the fact that he had a bad mental health experience with his mother and is not open to therapy. (I guess that would be the same for any self help books on the subject too?) Too bad.
Without a helping hand (a good therapist who specializes in this) your husband will be locked in the tyranny of your FIL. That evil man knows he has your husband by the b*lls and is using it to his advantage.
I broke free of the co-dependence I had on my dad. He was an alcoholic and had me "in his spell". My husband at the time had to get aggressive (he threw the phone in the fireplace) for me to see how sick our relationship was. That's when I went to therapy. I quit seeing and talking to my dad for 10 years! I wound up caring for him in his last years but, by then, he had a new respect for me.
All you can hope for is;
1. The place where FIL lives evicts him.
2. He will have an accident, land in the hospital and not be allowed to live unassisted.
3. Your husband will have read the many responses on this board (good idea) and have a change of heart, placing his mental and physical health and those of his family BEFORE his father's. He stands to loose his family (you and son) to accommodate an old, manipulative narcissist who purposely torments him. The ball is in his court.
Pray hard, be supportive only when hubby stands up for himself and the family and backs off with his dad and stick to your guns about not allowing FIL to move in with you.
I hope hubby realizes the mistakes he's making and sets down the law with his dad. If he can conquer this, life will be so much easier for him later.
SueC, I have a similar story to yours. I’m also estranged from my alcoholic mother who is pretty much as nightmarish as FIL. You’re right that my husband is the one who needs to change things. He has hired caregivers to go in every day which at least is a step. He just has SUCH a hard time standing up to his dad, even getting s bit of outside help was big step for him. I understand that, since I was much the same with my mom. It’s great to have this forum with so many people who understand.
Send your husband here! He might benefit from reading that there are other folks subjected to the FOG!!
FIL is MAD, through. If he could get out of his recliner he’d be hopping mad.
I took a nursing education class on depression and they might as well of had my husband as poster boy!
I begged him to get on medication, which he finally did, but them got off. He said, with his luck, the medicine would work but then they'd take it off the market! Is there any more negative thinking than that?
That's why he's an EX. After 35 years, I couldn't live with that black cloud hanging over my head any longer.
You just can't MAKE people happy. That's got to come from them.
Molly, don't you or hubby waste your time TRYING to make him happy. He won't change who he is.
FOG FOG FOG!!!!!!!!!
" If you are tired of being walked on, get up off the floor."
Bella , I wish my husband would read forms like this but it is so not his thing. He would be furious if he knew that I posted here.
Mojo rod, I like that saying! I’ve been trying to get off the floor myself and had some success. For my husband it’s much harder. He has made some steps towards getting his father outside help. I know that it won’t last for long because really he needs to be in long-term care. I know the storm is coming and really I wish it would just get on with it already. Waiting for the crisis is almost worse than the crisis itself. Thanks for the responses!