I am currently dealing with a very complex situation. I have a parent who is suffering from Alzheimers. The Alzheimers is getting very bad.
However what makes things more complex is that I have never had a good relationship with my family. I had a psychologically and physically abusive childhood. My parent with Alzheimer's and my step parent have never been a source of support in my life. My other parent died when I was young. I believe I have psychological issues as a result of my life growing up. Life is difficult for me. I have been extremely independent for a long time also.
Since leaving the family home I have not had much to do with my parent or step parent. Asides from the occasional meeting for a dinner or lunch two or three times a year. This has been in the nature of formality rather than an engaged experience. I have always remained distant from my family.
Now that my parent is getting bad there are increasing calls upon me to help. This parent has to be supervised at all times due to safety risks and cannot be left alone even for 30 seconds. I have spent around 8 lots of 4/5 hour sessions with the parent in the last couple of months since they got worse. There is increasing pressure upon me to assist and spend more time, supervising, entertaining, helping to toilet, feeding etc.
Now I am concerned about finances. The parent needs to go into care. There is some govt support but its all very complex. There is a fair amount of risk there might be insufficient support to cover it. I am concerned that I will be subjected to pressure to help fund it.
I am also very angry that the parent and step parent have been to blame to be in the financial and health state they are in. They have been reckless with spending for the last 25 years. Holidays, boats, dinners, drinks, parties, excessive travel, cars, non stop. And it still continues now. They have also been unhealthy and the parent undertook all the lifestyle risks for contributing to alzheimers: smoking, drinking, rich diet, no rigorous mental stimulation, no exercise.
I have very little in the way of time to offer. I work two jobs, 6 days a week 50/55 hours a week. I have some money but not a great deal. I don't have enough to afford to buy a home as a live in an extremely expensive part of the world. I live in an extremely frugal manner to try save enough for a deposit.
I am concerned about what little I have being threatened by my parent's situation and the pressure placed upon me after how I have been treated.
I am not sure where things sit with this. I am annoyed by advice from most people who have had a supportive family not have a dysfunctional and abusive childhood and family life like I had so they cant work it out. I feel like my family has caused issues for me and created psychological problems for me rather than been a source of support at any time.
It also difficult as despite all this I still place myself in the shoes of the parent and the anxiety they probable feel and want to help try and ease that.
So I am interested in thoughts as to what might be appropriate level of support I could provide or maybe none at all. I am especially interested to hear from adult children of abusive parents without much resources in a similar situation and what you have done.
In an ideal world what I want is to maybe visit once every three weeks for a couple of hours while there are staff who can take responsibility for feeding and safety etc while I just show them photos or something and also that all the care is covered but that I don't pay for a cent of it.
Thanks
Ignore whomever is pressuring you. It is they who do not have your parent's best interests in mind.
By providing care, you are enabling your stepparent to avoid what has to be done. Your parent belongs in long term care .
Be unavailable for hands-on care (to avoid confrontation, fib if you have to - new work demands is a handy reason). Make it clear. Especially if your parent winds up in the emergency room, make very clear that they do not have caregiving available at home.
Next step can either be a planned move to long term care (wether they have the ability to private pay or not) or your stepparent (and you) can just wait for a fall or other crisis that would trigger a trip to the ER. From there, it can simply be a matter of demanding a full work-up (the dementia needs to be expressed as the underlying reason for whatever caused the ER visit). Then, if it is made clear that there isn't sufficient care available at home, the discharge planner will work through the options (in a much more stream-lined way that you would be able to_.
visited her and checked to be sure she was being cared for properly with meds, that her clothes were being taken care of and everything but then we would go home. Neither of us were able to handle a bedridden parent with dementia on top of it and it was bad. I still feel that we did the right thing and still did what the Lord said to do. We just had to do it the best way that we could. I had a bad shoulder and my sister was seeing a chiropractor. Dad had congestive heart failure. So there you have it. Sometimes a nursing facility is the only reasonable answer for everybody concerned.
Making the decision to place your parent in a facility that has round the clock care can be one of the kindest things you do for them and yourself.
Strongly make the suggestion to your step dad that she be placed. Strongly state that you don't have the money or time to be a caregiver. Period.
What I'm getting at is - as their "child"- you are responsible to make sure they are cared for.... but not for providing the care or the expenses or the time. Those areas are up to your discretion on how to use them. Do what is prudent and makes sense. It would help if you had POAs for financial and medical. If not, then enlist the help of your local government agency.
The spouse is responsible to ensure that the proper care is provided. Otherwise you are fighting a losing battle from the word go and this is hard enough without trying to intervene when someone else has ALL the authority and final say.
BTDT and recommend that it is avoided until you see that the spouse is derelict in their responsibilities and then you call in the authorities to take over, but you personally stay removed from the situation.
I understand what you are saying and I think there are situations that it is 100%, not when there is a stepmonster though.
I think you just do what feels ok for you, no more no less, and don’t let yourself feel pressured to do anything that you feel is revolting. You owe her nothing.
it is what it is, you are not responsible for her life or her care.
RESPONSIBILITIES TO PARENTS*
1
Children, listen to me, your father;
act accordingly, that you may be safe.
2
For the Lord sets a father in honor over his children
and confirms a mother’s authority over her sons.
3
Those who honor their father atone for sins;
4
they store up riches who respect their mother.
5
Those who honor their father will have joy in their own children,
and when they pray they are heard.
6
Those who respect their father will live a long life;
those who obey the Lord honor their mother.
7
Those who fear the Lord honor their father,
and serve their parents as masters.
8
In word and deed honor your father,
that all blessings may come to you.a
9
A father’s blessing gives a person firm roots,
but a mother’s curse uproots the growing plant.b
10
Do not glory in your father’s disgrace,
for that is no glory to you!
11
A father’s glory is glory also for oneself;
they multiply sin who demean their mother.c
12
My son, be steadfast in honoring your father;
do not grieve him as long as he lives.d
13
Even if his mind fails, be considerate of him;
do not revile him because you are in your prime.
14
Kindness to a father will not be forgotten;
it will serve as a sin offering—it will take lasting root.
15
In time of trouble it will be recalled to your advantage,
like warmth upon frost it will melt away your sins.
16
Those who neglect their father are like blasphemers;
those who provoke their mother are accursed by their Creator.e
This young woman is responsible for her own finances and should not feel pressure to fund her mother's care.
She WANTS to visit and be an honoring daughter. Stepparent is trying to guilt her into paying for mother's care.
That is wrong.
I guess the step parent as POA must have legal responsibilities to liquidate if they fail to and the govt doesn't fund it because of them hoarding assets
Your step-parent needs to see an eldercare attorney for good advice about how not to become impoverished.
As far as your sibling ...try to help out but maybe just in background or by supporting them ...like go to lunch or a long walk to allow,them to vent after a trying day ...were they also abused? Perhaps they need counseling also.
For your parent. Take no financial or caregiving responsibility. Perhaps part of helping could be visiting and finding care for your parent... It sounds like it needs to be a facility. Find one ...once there you can help by visiting since this helps with maintaining good care ...folks who don’t habe visitors sometimes suffer since their staff notices when deficiencies won’t be . You don’t really have to even stay with parent much if not wanted..just pop in and out at random times. Maybe even check their room and belongings while they are at meals . Speak with caregivers. Once they are gong to a facility , the staff there will assist with financials...they can deal with the stepparent. If your parent is hospitalized there will be social workers to help with this. In the states, the step parent will be able to keep some assets because they have right to their residence and community living . Your parents social security and income will go towards their care...if part of this is needed for the spouse there is a whole formula. If your deceased parent or your parent was in the armed services there may be possibility of some assistance from the VA ( if widow of veteran). But you , or,your sibling , should not shoulder any financial burdens.
Lastly, dementia is strange and in forgetting ..sometimes empahsizes the personality and sometimes changes it. Your parent may get to point where they don’t remember you or what happened in past. At that point you might even have more of a relationship than ever before. If. You. Want.
Try to help get her into a good facility, maintain your boundaries , get help for your issues ( and maybe a dog ..they are great at pure love and acceptance) and keep your sibling as much as possible.
best of luck to you
You have already received the best possible advice from this site. Do NOT do anything more than what you are comfortable with, even if it means doing nothing.
I just want to emphasise that your parent needs the best Memory Care that THEY can afford. NOT You ! Dementia will strengthen the parent's past behaviour, and the parent will try to become more manipulative, and possible verbally and emotionally abusive again, physically abusive is also a possibility. Therefore a Memory Care unit is the only solution. Off course he/she will resist it, they all do - but once they are there, they will eventually forget about their house (advantages of memory loss), and be content and happy there. The family is not doing them a favour by not following through with this.
Therefore for your own well-being you have to resist them now. Put your foot firmly down, set clear boundaries, you can do it in writing so that all parties can see, and stick to it ! You can do it.
Good Luck ! And lots of sympathy & Love ♡
If your parents did not do that, shame on them. It is not your fault or responsibility.
We are only human and care-giving pushes us to the limit on all fronts. So, your patience can wear thin, down to the abuse you suffered. Don't put yourself or the elder in a potentially dangerous situation.
I agree with everyone about therapy. Help from a safe distance and get help for yourself.
Good luck!
You and your therapist can work together to figure out the best course of action and also how to help you manage and deal with some very complex emotions based on your family history.
If any money has been exchanged/given to you by them or from their accounts, that will be considered a "gift" by Medicaid and a penalty period for that amount of money in relation to the cost of care will be imposed.
My advice is to visit with an Elder Care Attorney/Medicaid Attorney so you understand your situation. This way, you have your answers. Make sure that this attorney understands Medicaid procedures and rules, not all Elder Care Attorneys do.
I hope this helps.
Jesus heals, prayer is good, so is therapy.
I’ll be praying for you (and I don’t mean that in the snarky way some people use it 🤣)
You obviously have a good heart because you care ❤️ A truly messed up person wouldn’t ask this kind of question on a platform like this looking for advice and support, so don’t be too hard on yourself 😉
Look after yourself, ignore everyone else and go with what you feel
good luck, and best wishes
Meanwhile, keep working, keep saving, it sounds like you are alone (independent) and are the only one going to be looking out for your financial security. Do not overstretch the assistance you are giving in the care of your parent.
Normally I would advocate pitching in and helping family where frail aged people are concerned, because siblings often dont share the load fairly, we read that in this forum regularly. But where dementia is involved, and carers are not in good physical or mental health themselves to cope with the horrible disease from the outset AND there are only excuses, not genuine reasons, for accessing memory care units, a different approach is essential.
1. Take the diffiicult childhood and dysfunctuonal family out of the equation, and what do you have remaining? Someone whose physical and mental health, not to mention their safety, would be best served in an aged care facility, and the memory care unit at that. It really is that simple! If everyone is finding the going tough now, think of how it will be when your parent is in advanced stage of Alzheimers. The wear on carers is enormous, it really does take a toll on health, it wears them down to a point that they can become ill themselves through all the stress. Are you ready for that?
As far as putting yourself in your parents place regarding anxiety and so forth, that is a fools errand. Here is a tip. Dementia is not pretty. The more advanced it becomes the worse the behaviour becomes. There will be non compliance with everything from medications, to eating, to personal hygiene. There is verbal abuse, there can be physical threats and acts of violence. No amount of hand holding, soothing music, conversations over photo albums will soothe the patient. There will be no Come to Jesus moment when the parent recognises they were abusive and ask your understanding. There will be no conversation, no logic, no explanations. Are you ready for that?
2. You dont need your family to guilt you into helping, either physically or financially. You are doing a good job of that to yourself. Sounds like you still carry all the baggage from the childhood abuse, a big part of which is guilt. What happened to you was not your fault. If you had no therapy as an adult it might be a good idea if you book in for a few sessions. You sound emotionally fragile with all this unresolved guilt and anger over something you could not control. I have a friend in a similar position who had therapy more than 30 years after she left home. She says she wished it had been offered to her much earlier, she may have found confidence and contentment earlier than her mid life.
By the way, it is not your responsibility to fund your parents care, nor contribute financially in any other area. The family should sell all the parents assets to fund care in a facility. After that is exhausted, let the government pay. You have your own retirement to fund so keep your financial matters private from the family. If the family refuses to sell everything then it is up to them to make other arrangements. If they are refusing because your parent would not want this to happen then they are just being ridiculous considering the advancing dementia. The time will come when the parent will forget what a home is, let alone where it was or what it looked like. That is the reality.