I am currently dealing with a very complex situation. I have a parent who is suffering from Alzheimers. The Alzheimers is getting very bad.
However what makes things more complex is that I have never had a good relationship with my family. I had a psychologically and physically abusive childhood. My parent with Alzheimer's and my step parent have never been a source of support in my life. My other parent died when I was young. I believe I have psychological issues as a result of my life growing up. Life is difficult for me. I have been extremely independent for a long time also.
Since leaving the family home I have not had much to do with my parent or step parent. Asides from the occasional meeting for a dinner or lunch two or three times a year. This has been in the nature of formality rather than an engaged experience. I have always remained distant from my family.
Now that my parent is getting bad there are increasing calls upon me to help. This parent has to be supervised at all times due to safety risks and cannot be left alone even for 30 seconds. I have spent around 8 lots of 4/5 hour sessions with the parent in the last couple of months since they got worse. There is increasing pressure upon me to assist and spend more time, supervising, entertaining, helping to toilet, feeding etc.
Now I am concerned about finances. The parent needs to go into care. There is some govt support but its all very complex. There is a fair amount of risk there might be insufficient support to cover it. I am concerned that I will be subjected to pressure to help fund it.
I am also very angry that the parent and step parent have been to blame to be in the financial and health state they are in. They have been reckless with spending for the last 25 years. Holidays, boats, dinners, drinks, parties, excessive travel, cars, non stop. And it still continues now. They have also been unhealthy and the parent undertook all the lifestyle risks for contributing to alzheimers: smoking, drinking, rich diet, no rigorous mental stimulation, no exercise.
I have very little in the way of time to offer. I work two jobs, 6 days a week 50/55 hours a week. I have some money but not a great deal. I don't have enough to afford to buy a home as a live in an extremely expensive part of the world. I live in an extremely frugal manner to try save enough for a deposit.
I am concerned about what little I have being threatened by my parent's situation and the pressure placed upon me after how I have been treated.
I am not sure where things sit with this. I am annoyed by advice from most people who have had a supportive family not have a dysfunctional and abusive childhood and family life like I had so they cant work it out. I feel like my family has caused issues for me and created psychological problems for me rather than been a source of support at any time.
It also difficult as despite all this I still place myself in the shoes of the parent and the anxiety they probable feel and want to help try and ease that.
So I am interested in thoughts as to what might be appropriate level of support I could provide or maybe none at all. I am especially interested to hear from adult children of abusive parents without much resources in a similar situation and what you have done.
In an ideal world what I want is to maybe visit once every three weeks for a couple of hours while there are staff who can take responsibility for feeding and safety etc while I just show them photos or something and also that all the care is covered but that I don't pay for a cent of it.
Thanks
Based on your family history and current employment, it is understandable that this situation is more than you can handle w/one parent needing 24/7 care.
Sounds like a hearty talk about limits and boundaries is in order.
They must have been real F ups. or at least in your eyes... If you were truly That abused... and you truly know that in your brain..
Seems like both of you cannot especially now forgive eachother... parent has ALZ.., maybe you can quietly in your brain, accept the situation for what you have been dealing will from the day you were born..
Finda a common ground in your head, where you can vizualize the more cognitive parent, and come to peace with it... and ALSO KNOWINGLY COME TO PEACE OF WHAT IS AND WHAT WILL BE THE END for you and parents: Telll them that you love them as much as you are able to and hug them. Be done.
FWIW there are MANY family members from functional families who refuse to help and sometimes go so far as to be counter-productive, not helping AND telling the one who is helping what they are doing wrong! There is no real "right" or "wrong", just personal choices. There are no real laws that can make you help out, either just being supportive or financially. You choose to do what YOU feel is right for YOU. As for anyone, whether someone on this forum or your friends/family, who try to guilt trip you, they are being obnoxious and should be ignored. This isn't about them, it is about you and what is right for you.
"In an ideal world what I want is to maybe visit once every three weeks for a couple of hours while there are staff who can take responsibility for feeding and safety etc while I just show them photos or something and also that all the care is covered but that I don't pay for a cent of it."
THIS is what you are "comfortable" with and THIS is what you should do.
"Spoke to another sibling who also seems to be willing to pay for some of parents care and thinks we should all chip in. It seems the basis of this other siblings willingness to pay is due to them having an interest in maintaining a relationship with step parent. Whereas I have no interest to maintain that toxic relationship. I can see that I am going to face continual pressure with this."
As muffincat said "Their circus their monkey.. walk away and dont buy any tickets [guilt]" If they continue to harass you, cut off contact. It is still (for now) a free country, so they can do and think whatever their hearts desire, They are willing to pay, fine, pay. They want to provide hands-on care, fine, care away. You could continue to visit with the parent if you choose to, but let them be willing to do what THEY feel is right and if they choose to pay and be more hands on, then that is THEIR choice. They cannot choose for you. They have no legal way to coerce you into helping and/or paying, so tune them out. If they try this in person, excuse yourself and leave. If it is on the phone, excuse yourself, say the conversation is over and hang up. It is still a free country for you as well, so you don't have to take what they are dishing out!
Make a plan for yourself, what you are willing to do (such as visit from time to time, but not provide care) and how often and what you are not willing to do (spend a lot of time helping and/or paying) and stick to it! If need be, adjust accordingly over time.
Do come back and let us know how you are doing. If things work out for you, you might be able to help others in a similar situation. At the very least, we do care and want to know if everything worked out ok.
But what you do should be limited to what you are able to do without wrecking your life or exposing yourself to further emotional damage or risking that you might be driven to retaliate.
Don't judge people for their mistakes: true, I agree. But do learn from experience. If an animal bites, you don't try to tickle its tummy. If a recipe doesn't work, don't keep cooking that dish. And if your relationship with your parent is strained and painful, don't make yourself that parent's primary caregiver - both because you're unlikely to be the best choice of caregiver, and because you are very likely to encounter all of those hurts all over again.
No excuse for abuse, EVER!
Keep your abusive opinions to yourself.
Obviously no one came to your aid as a child, so you do not need to be the crutch for these circumstances.
I played no part in my father's demise, and yes I do with my mother, but only have a few ounces of emotion to go with it.
It sounds to me that you should maintain that 3 times a year meeting as you have as a painful reminder, and thats it
So people are calling for op to "step in."
Ive been told to do all kinds of unreasonable things by unreasonable people over the years. Sometimes it's really hard, but I usually say, "Sorry, can't/won't. Take your pick."
You know what you are doing, don't let anyone bully you into doing things that you are not willing to do.
Your dad made his choice, now he gets to live with the consequences of his choices.
If you have some time you could (not should) do a little research into financial and caregiver resources for them. My mother just received a Medicaid waiver which enables her to keep some assets and still receive benefits. We hired an elder law attorney to assist with the process.
Be kind to yourself and good luck.
Unclear where you live, but in general if the person and/or spouse have assets, they will have to give up a portion of it. In the US, Medicaid will require a look back of 5 years. They will not impoverish the spouse who remains in the home, but they WILL require any regular income the person needing care gets to be paid to the facility AND will require a given percentage of remaining assets be used (liquid or not.) The person remaining in the home gets to keep the home, a car and a percentage of the other assets. The rest cannot be "hoarded".
While there are still a number of US states with filial laws (these are the ones that try to get children to foot the bill, if Medicaid is denied), they are not often used and will not result in impoverishment for the children. There have been a few cases which required the children/relative to pay, but not many, yet. There might also be some exclusions for children like you who have not had good care/relationships. I would not worry about them requiring you to pay - spouse is responsibility of spouse!
I would let the process play out without getting involved. Visits are up to you - if you feel comfortable visiting, go for it. If you don't, then stay away and don't harbor guilt. I also noted you are feeling some responsibility because one sibling is providing some help and may pay, but again, this is THEIR choice. If you can't or don't want to contribute, it isn't your job. Especially true if there are assets - THOSE should be used first and if the children understand this and refuse to pay, the spouse will have 2 choices: pay up or keep the spouse at home. I would have a good discussion with this sibling, if biological and receptive, and explain that the parents' assets and hopefully government aid should be paying, NOT the children!
There is no way for children to bear all the responsibility, even in cases where the parents have no assets. Our mother's MC is now about 90k/year. When working, that would have taken all of my pay and then some, leaving nothing for me to live on! Now that I am retired, I couldn't even begin to pay for it! Split between the 3 children would still be more than I could do, whether I wanted to or not. Thankfully mom and dad were good at saving - when I took over her finances, we set up a trust and put all excess assets into it, including the net from selling her condo. Between the pension and SS, about 1/2 of the costs (all, not just MC) are covered, and funds from the trust are deposited monthly to cover the rest. Would we all like to inherit or use some of it? Sure. But, these are mom's assets and they are used for her care. If she keeps going and eventually needs NH, it might deplete it all, but for now all is good. The only "cost" I have is managing everything for her.
The assets your parent and step parent have are joint assets and your parent's share should be used. The "shortfall" you mentioned might be during the application process. For Medicaid, payment would be required IF they determine there are assets that should be allocated to the needy spouse and they won't pay until all of what they determine is paid. If the application is declined, all would have to be paid, BUT that is the SPOUSE'S responsibility, not yours, not your siblings. Do NOT take this crap about it being your responsibility from ANY family members. Step-family is probably in the same boat with step parent - keep it all so WE get it! Not your problem, not your parent's childrens' problem. IGNORE these family members. Even in the best of relationships we can't all be held responsible. In your case, spending a little on a small gift/treat, if you choose to continue visiting, would be the most I would suggest!
NO guilt!!! NO GUILT!!! REPEAT! (this applies to visits and paying or not)
Who is telling you there is a shortfall?
Ask to see the financial paperwork that shows the "shortfall". Ask for financial advice on www.bogkeheads.org and see if it is legitimate m
Do not fall for this $hit.
If you want, arrange down the road to reimburse sibling IF they have actually paid anything.
I feel really strongly that you are being played.
Say "no, my financial advisor says I can't possibly do that".
If yes, do it. If no, don't do it.
Thinking of it and presenting it as a lump sum, one-off, ex gratia contribution to tide your father over the funding gap would avoid the precedent-setting concern. You could consider offering it to Good Sibling direct, and asking GS to keep it quiet.
But I still don't see you're under any obligation. If GS feels differently, good for him/her and be happy for him/her; but you do not feel the same and this is not a competition.
And stop fretting over and resenting your stepparent's hopelessness. The pickle she's in is not your fault and it's not your problem, but it's also therefore not for you to criticise.
And apart from calling on you to help, what else is your stepmother doing about finding care resources?
In the end, this is her problem. It would be his problem, except that his Alzheimer's exempts him from responsibility now, it's too late. What it isn't is your problem. Do what you can to put her in touch with people and services who can help, but other than that protect your own boundaries. No more free "Dad-sitting" sessions, for example, or not unless you happened to plan to spend a morning with him.
Fact is, you are not close to your father. You have formal visits a few times a year. There is no confidential, loving relationship there and stepmother cannot manufacture one from wishes and regrets.
My step parent is going to seek govt care but there might be a shortfall and there is a possibility govt care could be declined. Don't know yet.
Find yourself a good talk therapist who can help you through this.
While I think that is even overly generous given the other demands on your own life, this is exactly what you should do. You have no responsibility to provide for their finances.
If they won't go to attorney, then go when they call with a problem or don't go - up to you. If you see the situation is putting one/both in harm's way, your obligation at that point would be go and get personally involved or call the authorities who will evaluate and place them somewhere as needed.
When my mother passed away, my siblings refused to take in my father. I was left to assist him and I am thankful for the opportunity because I never truly knew my father, we always gravitated to Mom.
What I learned in the next 7.5 years is that my mother was no paragon of virtue - and my father had put up with a lot that us kids knew nothing about. Mind you, he never complained; he loved my mother with all his heart and soul. With his dying breath, he still praised my mother!
Decide what you can do and what you cannot do - and try to adhere to your guidelines. You are not responsible to pay for their care, but you will be pressured to do so. I would not have been ashamed to make my parent a "ward of the state" had it become necessary. I am thankful it never came to that as he had enough funds and good health insurance as well as the VA to handle his needs.