My stepmum has early stages of Alzheimer's, my Dad is already struggling. So far she's getting confused with dates & forgetfulness, she's given up driving & can't go to the supermarket alone due to leaving her bag or trying to walk out of the store with items. He keeps asking me for support and I try and listen and I've trawled the internet for helpful things, I try keeping things positive, but it's not good enough for him. I've got 2 jobs and a young son and I'm also suffering with anxiety & depression.
Me & my Dad do not have a good relationship in the first place. He's been a bully throughout my whole life and very emotionally abusive. I'm really struggling with my own life and really can't cope with this as well, I feel I'm going to crumble if he keeps putting all this on me & I also feel so guilty that I'm being utterly useless. I'm finding it hard as I don't even like my Dad due to things from the past, I'm sure I love him deep down, but I really feel I can't give him support or sympathy due to our bad relationship. He was really nasty to me yesterday, he text me drunk saying he needed support, I was in the middle of putting my son to bed, so I text him as soon as I saw it and I was really struggling to know what to say. So just put that I didn't know what to say and that it must be hard for him. I told him that I thought he needed to speak to his doctor to get some more help, or go to the support group I found him so that he can speak with other carers who are living this and to also try and get in with his counselor. I said he needed to get help from professionals who know what they are doing.
He responded by saying I don't need your platitude I need support. So I said I was sorry and asked him what I could do to help. He just started being nasty and repeating he needs support. I really am at a loss as to what to do. I have barely any spare time and my own mental health is deteriorating, he also lives a long way away, so it's not just so easy to call in. I have trawled the internet again for ideas of how to support him, but a lot of ideas involve helping them with cleaning etc, he has a cleaner and I don't have the time or energy. I wondered about offering to do his shopping for him online and getting it delivered to his house each week. It's not much, but surely it's a help. I feel like the worst person in the world and don't know what to do, any suggestions? If he keeps up putting pressure on me and being nasty I feel like I'm going to have to cut ties with him, but he's my Dad. Help!
Your child is your first priority. Don’t allow your dad or your stepmom to keep you from being the best mom. You are a good mom and daughter but things can get very slippery in a situation like this and before you know it, you’ve fallen into their trap.
You have suffered enough. He is responsible for himself.
Your stepmom needs to look elsewhere for support. If it makes you feel better give her a list of organizations that could possibly help her. Please do not be involved in his mess. Trust me, it hardly ever works out.
I grew up with a brother addicted to heroin. He too was successful at one point in his life, even owning his own business with his live in girlfriend.
He mistreated his girlfriend. The business closed when they separated. He never changed his ways in spite of everyone trying to help him. Some people do, and I am happy for those who do change. I am not a cold person. I have empathy for all addicts or problem drinkers. Yes, I said problem drinker for a reason.
In Alcoholic’s Anonymous they say that any person who drinks and it causes problems in that person’s life needs help, whether or not they are dependent on the alcohol. Clearly that is the case here. Has nothing to do with physical dependence.
If an emotional dependency is there it will destroy just as much. Do you see what I am saying? I learned this from my neighbor whose husband was emotionally drinking way too much. While he wasn’t physically dependent the drinking caused their divorce.
You and your child deserve to live a happy life. I can see from your posts that you are intelligent, kind and caring. Put all of that energy into your life with your son.
For years I did not realize the damage that was done when I grew up with an addict. How could I? I was a kid. I discovered a lot as an adult in therapy. Healing began. Actually grieving, healthy grief that needed to happen before healing. I lost my brother. I learned from my therapist that I could love my brother but I was justified in not loving his lifestyle. Separation in emotions helped me tremendously. Don’t allow everything to get jumbled up together.
I will be thinking of you and I wish you well. Hug that sweet child of yours. He needs you. So many times I felt invisible as a kid, a mere shadow to my brother. Children grow up fast. Savor every moment of it. Your child is blessed to have a mom who loves him.
Take care. Hugs!
Your Dad sounds like he is BiPolar. Sounds like he had manic episodes. My cousin suffers from it. She describes it as the mind constantly going. Alcohol helps to slow it down.
I think Smom is in a bad situation and really needs to be taken out of the home to a care home.
They had to attend another church because church elders at their ‘nondenominational’ church kept telling them to have ‘more faith’ and pray it away.
After she was properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist she was introduced to the proper meds and is living a productive life again.
Anything is a possibility, JoAnn but if bipolar is in the picture meds will have to be given to balance out mood issues.
This would be for purely practical purposes.
You are coming under renewed pressure because your father wants to lean on someone and you're nearest.
You are not the right person for him to lean on.
One way or another, you will need to stop him doing that.
You may need help and guidance to stop him without hurting either yourself or him.
Are you still in touch with a counsellor?
Your father needs help. It sounds as if he has needed help for a very long time. It is a job that you cannot do. That is not your fault.
Call MHA, and call Social Services. [The good news, by the way, is that Bradford University is a centre of excellence in dementia care and related fields, so you're in luck there - there will be all kinds of networks and programs around locally].
Call MHA just to get their advice. Call Social Services to register your concerns and to make sure that your father and stepmother are on their radar.
In everything you do, though, remember very clearly that the aim is to put Other People between you and their situation.
Is your mother around, just out of interest?
My mother is around, she has nothing to do with my Dad, she can't stand him, understandably so!
For future reference, God forbid, the correct response to a phone call from someone announcing that they have just swallowed 100 paracetamol is to hang up, calmly, and call an ambulance. It is not to drive home like a madwoman.
And for information: if you think this through, you will see there are grounds for scepticism about what exactly he did do. Even five or six years ago, getting 100 paracetamol together required a certain amount of prior planning. There are 16 in a box, or 32 max if you buy from a pharmacist. Shops will not sell you more than one box at a time without arguing; and I happen to know that they are quite good about this, because the EPOS systems in supermarkets flag up the second purchase and your friendly teenage cashier will say "computer says no." The only exception is on prescription - GP's can prescribe larger supplies for people requiring maintenance pain relief. Does that apply? Does your father or your stepmother have any painful chronic condition?
Moreover, I also happen to know that if you swallow 100 x 500mg paracetamol tablets, quite apart from how long it takes to do that - visualise it, that's quite a heap of tablets you're downing, plus you've got to get every one of them out of the blister pack - you will vomit copiously. If you are drunk, you will vomit all the quicker.
So all in all, I think it's very unlikely that he in fact managed to take that large an overdose unless he'd been planning it for quite some time. Having said that, you don't need to take anything like 100 to kill yourself. It happens quite a lot, but accidentally because by the time it happens the person has often changed his or her mind. Hence you don't call anyone's bluff about it - if they've taken more than the recommended dose, you call an ambulance.
I don't think, actually, that being angry with someone who has done this, while you are in shock about it especially, is at all an inappropriate response or even an unhelpful one. It is a natural response which at the same time demonstrates that what the person has done *matters* to you. So don't blame yourself for not having a professional reaction - you're not a professional, quite apart from anything else.
Alcohol is a depressant. It is a downer. Self-medicating depression with alcohol is a bit like treating burns with sulphuric acid.
And you, young lady, need to work on boundaries! Giant hugs to you. Feel better x
It is also not your fault.
You didn't give your stepmother dementia.
You are not a trained dementia support worker.
Even if you had all the time in the world to spend with your Dad, you would still not be in his peer group, his friend, his colleague. You would still be only his daughter.
Therefore, what he needs, what will help him, is not something you can provide no matter how much you wanted to or were prepared to sacrifice to do it.
Did he belong to a trade union, a professional association, anything like that?
One of the worst aspects of being a carer is the isolation and the loneliness. And it isn't a matter of having no one to talk to, simply. It's the feeling that you are alone in your situation.
I have lost count of the number of people on this forum who post for the first time, get a response, and then immediately say they feel better purely because they no longer feel so alone.
Well. Your father has had a rough deal. Your stepmother is young to be suffering from dementia, and it sounds as if her care is going to get quite full-on before long. But here's the point: there is absolutely NO WAY that your father is the only man of his age caring for a wife of her age in the Bradford area. So it becomes a question of connecting him with people he can relate to.
There will be other engineers, other husbands, other golfers in his age group with wives in your stepmother's age group; and some of them will have a lot of experience and knowledge and encouragement to share. Let's keep researching until we can find people on his wavelength.
Meanwhile: retired men who get no respite and are losing the partner they expected to retire with are highly vulnerable to depression, with or without the risk of alcohol abuse or overuse. Is this something you're already keeping an eye on?
I can't come and live there and care for her; I have a child to take care of and children come first. I'll help find you support where you live, but I can't do that if you're not clear and upfront with me about what you've been told and what help is on offer".
I think your Dad is not listening. You need to be direct with people like this. You may have to sit down, look him in the eye and say "If you mean caring for SMom is "support" then I am sorry Dad that won't happen. I have given all the info I can find about resources SMom is entitled to. You need to check these out. I can't take the time working two jobs and caring for my son. Smom is your responsibility and there is help for her."
Good Luck
First, I would say to stop the researching and printing for him. It's obvious your dad does not appreciate it. It's the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You've lead him...and now he has to decide if he's really that thirsty.
Second, because you have already done all the legwork you have I would reduce your contact with him. As long as you are even a phone call away he will think he can still wear you down to come rescue him. When my father went into a nursing home after another stroke last November, he would constantly call me to do things for him. Then my phone broke and he had no way to contact me. After some time to mope, he took up the reins and started taking care of business himself. Yes you will feel guilty for a time, but there's really nothing more you can do right? Necessity is the mother of invention....you dad has to be put in a position that he needs to take care of business himself with no options for an outside rescue.
Third, keep your boundaries!! Take care of you, do your mental health work, do your jobs to keep a roof and food, take care of the babies, do fun things!
Your stepmother is not your responsibility, your father is not your responsibility. When he goes on about needing support, understand that your definition and his definition are completely different. You HAVE supported him. But his definition is "come take this burden off my plate completely." He won't say it that specifically because intellectually he knows that sounds selfish of him. But it is what he means, and you know you do not have that capacity nor the responsibility. You are doing fine!!! You are not an awful child for living your life.
Dad is a big boy, he got this far in life. It's a shame your stepmother has this awful disease and has to put up with your dad who seems to have just wanted to be cared for until he went peacefully in his sleep. It's kind of a karma. My dad married my stepmother because she had a house that was paid for and a fat bank account. He thought he'd be living the good life free from responsibility until he died. Totally went the opposite and now he's ticked at the world and ticked at me for not continuing his dream life. Not my problem! And your dad is not your problem either! You've helped greatly but it's not appreciated, so be done.
He raves on about how wonder my cousin is helping him out with things, erm he pays her to do his cleaning??? He tells everyone else that she's doing it out of the kindness of her heart, but she is being paid! Well maybe he can pay her to be his new daughter, let's see how long it lasts before Mr Nice guy shows his true colours and she runs for the hills!!!!
Perhaps give him this website and let him start looking. Engineers are smart people, he needs to figure out what he can do. Sooner or later (with engineers, it's usually later) they will ask for help. They're incredibly independent, and also argumentative (sorry for anyone who is an engineer and not that way, My family has 3 engineers, and I went to an engineering undergrad...and this seemed to be the norm rather than the exception.)
You're not horrible for not wanting to do it all for him. If he's competent, he can still figure a lot of this out. It's way too early for him to give up and place the burden on you. Stand firm.
You cannot rescue your father. Even if you had a wonderful relationship, it's impossible to live someone's life for them. Your father must take responsibility for himself and for his choices. Enabling is disabling.
You have already investigated and tried to connect him with resources. He refuses. It doesn't matter his reasons for refusing. All that matters is that you establish and maintain healthy boundaries with him. Make a copy of whatever information about help and resources you have gotten and give it to him. He must avail himself of those resources.
Do not respond to his angry outbursts and texts. Do not reward his bad behavior. Do not accept his attempts to guilt you or manipulate you. You live in the UK where they have lots of programs for pensioners. Use them.
Thank you for your wise words, I really appreciate it.
He doesn't need to be entertained, he needs to be useful would be my guess. Did he work in one particular industry or for one particular company (I'm not asking for identifiers, just trying to narrow down what sort of world he's missing)?
Just off the top of my head, there's an organisation called Now Teach, which is like Teach First but at the other end of the career path - so you get people from finance teaching maths, retired journalists teaching English, that sort of thing.
Anyhooooo, just a little hobby horse of mine, wondering if telling him to get off his behind and help might work better. He may be a bit long in the tooth for formal retraining, but I bet there is useful work out there for engineering skills. What sort of engineering?
If you can possibly winkle his GP's number out of him, by hook or by crook, it might be no bad thing to make contact there.
I think due to last night's crappy text from him i will have to take a step back and reduce my contact with him, before he manages to undo all my hard work going to counselling and working my backside off to get myself better. He has set me back far too many times now. He is a bully and a manipulator. Yes I feel sorry for my Step Mum and would love to be there for her, but I can't stand him.
I wouldn't get too hung up on the genetic angle if I were you. Alzheimer's tends to run in families, but the link is not that clear cut. If your stepmother's neurologist/psychiatrist are talking about an actual inherited disease, then it's possible they're referring to something else altogether which may also cause dementia.
Your father may not be very communicative for one or more of four reasons: the answers aren't available yet; he doesn't know the answers; he doesn't want to know the answers; he doesn't want to talk about it.
At that point, frustrating though it is, it is very important that you remember that This Is Not Your Problem. You care, you want to help; but it's not you with the diseased brain and it's not your wife who needs care. So set a limit to how many times you're going to bang your head against a brick wall.
Is your father at home with your stepmother all day?
The memory clinic should have registered your stepmother with the community mental health nurse, and there should be a home visit at some point. Any news about that?
Their GP can send round an Occupational Therapist to look at the house and recommend adaptations.
Your father should make sure the GP has him listed as a carer. They will chivvy him to get his 'flu jab and exciting helpful stuff like that.
Your father is entitled to a Carer's Assessment. Within six weeks of his asking, in theory - let's all roll around laughing - but it certainly is true that the sooner he asks, the sooner he'll get one. You'll probably need to go to through social services to get that under way - do you know who their local authority is?
Note: your job is to get her and him onto *other people's* radar. Not to do it yourself, but not to leave it to your father to ask either - he won't.
I think he is finding the loneliness the worst, she goes to bed at about 6pm and he sits on his own all evening, probably drinking. But what can i do? I can't go round to his, it is too far and my Son has homework that I have to help him with, dinner to be made, packed lunch to make, shower and he needs to go to bed at a decent time as he has school in the morning. He can't come to mine as he can't leave her alone. I could ring him, but tbh the thought of it fills me with dread most of the time & he does not listen, so it almost feels like what's the point. I've been desperately trying to point him to these support groups, hoping he might make some friends, but he doesn't really want to go. He says he feels very resentful towards some of the other carers, he has never said anything but that is how he feels. For example there is one guy who's wife is in her 90's and all my Dad can think is it's not fair, you've had your wife all this time and she's only just got dementia in her 90's, mine is only 65. I can see why he is feeling like that, it's not fair is it.
Second, if you want and are able, pitch in. The key word is “want.” In the end, it will be your Dad who needs you more than his wife as he goes through these trials. Caregiving is exhausting and your support may help repair the past problems. (You would be “taking the higher ground” if you decided to help under these circumstances).
Do not help at the expense of own your mental health.
He made me laugh because he said something along the line of if you don't support me then you don't deserve my support! Well that's a laugh because although he is very generous financially, he has never given me any emotional support, in fact quite the opposite more like mental torture and emotional blackmail, which has not helped my anxiety or depression. Even when I was going through counselling he put loads of pressure on me, even though I was in a really bad way and crying out for him to stop putting pressure on me. I can't even imagine doing that to my child. It is my job to protect him and to support him, not the other way around, especially when it is not deserved! If he doesn't get his own way he has a tantrum. I have often taken the higher ground, on too many occasions. A couple of years ago he was looking after my son who was 5 at the time, my Dad let my Son play in the garden unsupervised, while my dad was asleep in the house. My Son escaped out of the garden, which I might add is right next to a main road! Luckily he knocked on the neighbours door and got frightened when they answered so went back. My Dad didn't even know this had happened until his neighbour came round to tell him. The first I learned about this was when my Son got home and was acting strangely, so I asked him what was wrong, he told me and he thought he would get in trouble. So I called my Dad, only to bring it up and all I wanted was him to say sorry it won't happen again I'll make sure he's supervised in future, but he just went absolutely mental at me, insisting that my Son had never been in any danger and because I would not agree with him he shouted and bawled at me. we fell out for a while, but I did not want my Son to miss out on seeing his Grandad so I took the high ground and text him to say that I would never stop him seeing him and he could see him at my house whenever he wanted, but he still kept having a go at me. Our relationship is still very badly strained. It just never seems to do me any good to try and be the "adult", he always behaves so horribly.
The thing is, I expect what he really wants to do is run away, and when I think back to how tearful I felt I can't blame him, and I do also have to tell you that I have known men dump their wives because they couldn't hack it.
I've also known men who were absolute, incredible heroes! - but there is no underestimating how utterly soul-destroying it is when your better half seems to have turned into an annoying moron and it does honestly feel, sometimes, like she's doing it on purpose.
(She isn't, of course she isn't, but it can feel like it.)
Does your stepmother have any kids?
No my Stepmum doesn't have any kids, which is a curse and a blessing. A curse as she has no one else to care for her and a blessing because she hasn't passed this horrendous disease on to someone else, she got it passed down from her mum, which I believe is quite rare? Although I'm not totally sure.
I am my Dad's only daughter, I have a sister but we have different Dad's. She has nothing to do with him as he made her life hell as a kid. I don't think he really has any friends, he has fallen out with both of his brothers and he is still in contact with his sister, but she lives quite far away. That's it. He is a very difficult man and many people, once they realise what he's like do a runner, but it's a bit tricky when it's your Dad.
Is he asking for you to drop your life and responsibilities and come and rescue him? I think I would try to get him to articulate what he means when he says "support" so that you can politely say "no, dad, I can't possibly do that. What I can do is research what support there is available locally. Shall we talk tomorrow evening?"
Believe me I have tried asking him and he just says he needs support! I've tried listening, I've tried advice and positive things to say, I've spent hours finding local support groups and information on how to live with dementia, but he hasn't taken any of it on board. I can't do it for him! One of the things I found was an article that listed aids you can get to help in the house, for instance a recorded voice for when you go out of the front door, reminding you to take your keys and to lock the door and automatic shut of valves for your appliances to reduce the risk of them being left on. I have taken time to read all of these myself and have pointed out the parts I thought he would find useful, but to no avail!!!! I think you are absolutely bang on the money that I will need to be strong and if he asks me to do something I can't manage I will have to be strong and stick up to him. The thought of taking something on and then being stuck with it for the next 10 or more years is really terrifying!!! I am hoping to get my own life back on track and hopefully plan my wedding and maybe another baby in the near future. I can't possibly do that and take on a tonne of other stuff.
Thank you so much for taking your time to respond to me, your advice it really appreciated :-)
The learning curve for carers whose loved one is in the earliest stages of dementia is incredibly steep and can feel to the carer as though it's the carer who's being driven mad. But just as in the olden days they used to slap hysterical ladies to snap them out of it, you can be frank to the point of brutal with your father. Yes, he does need support. But feeling sorry for himself and getting drunk and emotionally blackmailing you is not the way to go about it.
On the getting drunk thing - remind him "there is no social or emotional situation, however bad, that cannot be made worse by alcohol."
These are the people I would turn to first if I were doing it all again: https://www.mha.org.uk/find_a_service/yorkshire
Have a look at their website and let me know what you think or if it sounds promising.
I have just found loads of info for him and printed it off, I've spent hours and also risk getting in trouble at work, but deep down I know he won't take any of this advice up. I have tried asking him what he wants me to do but he just says he needs support. Am I not supporting him?
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me I really appreciate it :-)
Yes she's been through the memory clinic, she's also had PET & CAT scans. The memory clinic said she was fine but the final scan came back that she has Alzheimer's passed on from her mother. She was diagnosed about 2 months ago. Although the signs were there, we just didn't realise. She booked a holiday and forgot about it, the only way they found out was the taxi was at the hotel waiting for them, but neither my Dad or Stepmum knew anything about it! She's been leaving her bag or card at stores, leaving keys in the car, not locking doors. But my Dad is getting increasingly frustrated due to the fact she's getting days wrong and confused with dates. For example he gave her the responsibility of booking the car parking at the airport for their holiday, even though she's been getting confused and of course she got the dates wrong! He was shouting and losing his temper at her abd I felt so sorry for. I don't know what he's playing at giving her things like that to do, he's setting her up to fail. So I told him he would have to take on such responsibilities in future. But then he rang me the other day saying it had been a terrible week, I asked why, he said he'd taken her to a coffee morning on Saturday that she wanted to go to, but it wasn't there as she'd got the wrong day, same day he took her to her nail appointment only to find out it had been the previous week. Then he had ironed his suit for the Christening that was supposed to be on Sunday morning only to find out it is in 3 weeks time. I said to him he would have to start taking charge of appointments and dates etc. All the time he was telling me this I could hear my Stepmum in the background, so she could clearly hear him talking about her. He was also complaining about the fact he's now doing most of the cooking supervised by my Stepmum ( she used to do everything, cooking, cleaning, washing, my Dad has always been pretty lazy!). So I said it must be hard, but try and make it into something nice that you can both do together and maybe she can teach you some of her cooking skills. Because I wasn't giving me sympathy he couldn't get me off the phone quick enough. He keeps saying everyone is always asking about how she is but what about me. He's making me really angry as my whole life he's always been very selfish and everything is always about him and he's even making this all about him. He shouts at my Stepmum all the time and he even says things in front of her belittling her. For example she was setting the table, I said are you having someone round for dinner, my Dad said yes 2 people but she insists on doing stupid things like setting it for 8. He was on the phone telling the holiday car park people that she's always messing up dates. Surely it can't do her any good to be hearing him always putting her down. I feel so sorry for her and cross at him, she must feel like she's useless and can't do anything right. I can't stand visiting any more as the last time I went he was shouting and swearing at her for messing up with the car park thing. I dread him ringing me or having to see him, he is so angry, he always was throughout my childhood. Sorry for going on, but I just need to get it out. You are very kind if you took the time to read this, thank you.
Kindly but firmly explain to your father that you are not able to become a caregiver for your stepmother. Your busy life and your own health issues do not allow it. But, tell him that you will be happy to help him find professional help such as in-home aides or even help find placement in a facility if he would wish. You will need to be very strong to do this. You are an adult. While you can assist your father as mentioned above, you do not have to dedicate what could be decades of your life caring for your stepmother. Find the resolve to stand up for yourself and to Dad.
Thanks again :-)
Number 1 - relax. You have come to a good place, where the lovely (mainly American, though from all over the world) forum members are a breath of fresh air and the voices of reason.
There will be help for your stepmother and your father, in that order, and we will help you find what direction to point them in. You say your stepmother is in the early stages - has she actually been through the Memory Clinic referral process, do you know?