I have POA for my father, he lives in our guest house. Sister lives out of state. She used to call him once a week now she calls him everyday since he fell. She is in denial over his dementia and constantly argues with me on the subject. I finally had to set ground rules and asked her not to talk about our father's care as I am extremely stressed out and stress brings on my seizures. Well that didn’t work. Everyday she tries to micromanage my caring for him. I was sick in bed today and she said get your butt up and go check on dad. Which I find strange as she didn’t even want him to live with her. Maybe it’s her way of feeling like she is helping him? I don’t know. I had always hoped she could be supportive from a distance and we could be a team in our fathers care. I’m finally seeing she is more of a burden than a help. It’s so sad. We’ve never argued this much in our lives. Sure we are sisters and we have had our disagreements but nothing like this.
I hate to say it but my father is driving a wedge between us, even if in his dementia state he doesn’t know he is. He calls her and complains about me. He also calls his sister (my aunt) and complains about me. How I’m trying to take his license away (I currently have his keys) etc etc. I feel like I have everyone against me and I just can’t deal with the stress of him on top of everyone else. I finally had to block my sister from texts and phone calls. I first told her I really hate that it has come down to this but I have to do this for my own health. Nothing else has worked.
Ask his physician to recommend a PROFESSIONAL (psychiatrist, neurologist, psychologist, social worker) TRAINED in GERIATRICS, and request that that specialist’s report include your father’s ability to manage ADL, ESPECIALLY from the standpoint of PERSONAL SAFETY and ability to function independently in a familiar environment.
When you have gotten your copy of the report, MAIL A COPY to your sister.
The relationship between you and your sister may or may not survive this. It may be fractured but not permanently disrupted. Once she has read the professional report, the ball will be in HER COURT.
I myself learned to avoid ANY VERBAL INTERACTIONS when there was hostility between my fellow POA and me. I communicate now ONLY by text or email, because I keep records of everything he accuses me of.
Many relationships among siblings/mutual caregivers are disrupted during caregiving. You, as the hands on caregiver AND POA, have the ABSOLUTE RIGHT to being a conscientious and responsible caregiver TO YOURSELF.
For the time being, you MUST place your father’s needs and YOUR NEEDS far FAR beyond whatever needs your sister THINKS SHE HAS, whatever has caused them.
* Provide details of a medical diagnosis of dementia. If you don’t have that, give details of the symptoms you are seeing, and ‘official’ information about dementia that confirms your own diagnosis.
* Find some information about dementia that includes the fact that it will include many many criticisms, many lies, and a lot of misinformation.
* Send the same information to your aunt, who may have more experience. If she understands, ask her to contact your sister, who presumably is also her niece.
* Make sure your information also tells her about ‘show-timing’, so she doesn’t make judgements based on just a short exposure (like a phone call).
* Ask if your sister can visit to see things for herself, preferably for a week to give you a break.
* Look up the information on ‘care topics’ (top RHS of your screen) for D for Driving, and send it to her in an email – the danger to father and other road users, how common this problem is, and how dreadful it will be if father kills an innocent person in another car and the family has to deal with the legal fall-out.
Many people have found that it is really hard for relatives to understand and accept the implications of dementia. We regularly have new posters who use this site to educate themselves. You may have to educate your sister, who can’t even see for herself.
Good luck! Margaret