This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
If she is a rapid cycling bipolar, getting her stable will be hard, but does she have a mood stabilizer in place? it should help the bouncing. I am a bipolar 2 with suicidal idealization and my bipolar expresses primarily in depression. My stabilizer has worked wonders in my life. We've had to throw in a anti depressant, but it's helped as well. Thank God for that.
I haven't been on in the past day due to the phone being out, (mom's on dial up), our friend that lives here on the property is a bipolar one, and when he is manic watch out..lol, he's been manic for the past three days and got clipper happy near mom's place and clipped the phone line while he was at it..
We had to put her in hospice yesterday, It about killed me, the nurse talked with her about going, I talked with her about going, and she agreed to go, by the time the EMS showed up to get her, she didn't remember a thing, said she didn't want to go to the doctors, I lied to her, told she had to go to the doctors today, because he was going to be out of town tomorrow (today).
Expecting a major fight with the eldest brother, he was all twisted because we placed her, reminded him that he isn't here day to day to see what is happening, I got a full 10 hours +/- sleep last night, and how did I need it. Had been awake for over 30.
Hospice is a beautiful house, I think mom's room is bigger than my whole mobile home, everything there that a patient or family could need.. Little nooks, where you as a family member can go hide for a few moments and rest or read. a couch that makes out to a bed in the room so that you can stay over night. I had considered staying last night, but knew if I did I would not sleep, and I was pushing my luck on the depression as it was.
Hubby has been a angel, he's never been this close to death in his 63 years, so he stays close to me and is there for me when I need him. Guess I ought to jump in the shower, go to mom's and collect her a few things, and then head for the hospice house, see what kinda trouble she's been.. I always joke with her about running up and down the halls and giving the nurses hell. When she was feeling better she would give the nurses hell, always warn them not to take her bitching to heart, the more she complained the better she was doing.
To be honest, I hope she is giving them hell.. If they can get her stabilized and her pain under control, then in 10 days we will be bringing her home, if they can't then I don't believe she will be coming home. As much as I hate to say it, she's started the transition and I don't expect to be bringing her home.
The Doctor yesterday was giving his standard speech, about the length of time, etc..with small cell cancer, I told him we already knew what the reality is, all I expected out of him was to make her comfortable. I have personal issues with this Doctor from when I met him in private practice, so God help him if he doesn't do the right thing by her.
For those getting or taking vacations, no matter how small they might be, enjoy and make the most of it...you deserved it. HD, I am truly sorry to hear about your loss, but know she's happy..with friends and family who have passed and is in not pain now.
Much love to everyone
starri.....so glad to hear you finally got some good sleep. And sorry to have to move mom, but the reality is that this is the best for her. They will take such good care of her, make her comfortable and help her with this next transition in her life. And oldest brother can just keep his complaining to himself, now is not the time for him to be acting like you are doing something terrible. This is mom's time now. Take care of yourself and keep us posted.
Hope everyone is having a good day. I woke up to dog poop on my bathroom floor, so that started my day off real well. Not in a very good mood so hoping a hot shower will do the trick.
Will check back in later, hopefully will know something today about bringing the col home.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
ASG, my sister is bi-polar, must be #1 according to Starri's definition. She can change on a dime, face changes and tone of voice changes. Sometmes I would think she's possessed. And she has a skewed sense of logic when that happens. Make sure she is taking the right meds. My sister didn't for most of her life and I don't know if she is now. Haven't seen her since 1987. I called her once when her son died, one of my favorite nephews, and she called here about 3 times last summer wanting to talk to mom. Mom said no, so it ain't happening. She didn't even go to dadf's funeral, and frankly, it was a lot more peaceful for us than if she had gone. Never know what will set her off. She is extremely artistic when she's up and downright scary on the down side, and she doesn't think anything is wrong with her, the rest of the world is screwed up.
Starri, I am so sorry about your mom. I hope she is comfortable and her pain is being managed adequately. Your brother just needs a "come to Jesus " meeting.
And sssooooooo glad you got some sleep
Today is my 6 hr. day off. Hubby and I did a lot of errands after I gave mom her shower. And help washed her hair while we were gone. She is coming back later so I can go to a caregivers "retreat" at a local AL. We will get facials, massages, manicures, heavy snacks, gift bags. It only lasts 2 hrs, but I am looking forward to it. I want to see if I break apart during a massage.
Later I will tell you all about my mom's meltdown.....at least I'm not in jail SO FAR today.................
When I went to a AL place here in town for day care for mom, the girls there mentioned the retreat, so they took my name. They sent me a card a couple of weeks ago and I rsvp'd for tonight. I was surprised. I've heard of caregiver retreats that may last a couple of days, but I will settle for 2 hours. If I had 2 days, I would get too wild and just embarrass myself in front of strangers. LOL And I haven't had to use their services. I have been on the go since 8 am today with no real break, so I will enjoy seeing if they can break up the knots on my shoulders. It comes from carrying my a$$ up there most of the time. heehee
Still have paperwork to fill out for the big appt at Duke University on Thurs, so will do that when I get home. There will go my massage !! And now it will rain all day Thurs, with possible thunderstorms, and a total of 5 hr driving in it and rush hour traffic......sounds like wwaaaaayyy to much fun to me...............
You will make some great friends here, and a load carried by many is not as heavy.. and yes, seeme is stingy, she will not share her helper.. but we love her anyway... but she shares her heart and humor and we'd rather have that anyway....
many here share their heart and humor. the combination is a life saver. Hugs across the miles to you...
Did the lock get put in today??
love ya, and love ya seeme and Starri special thoughts and prayers, and Caretaker, welcome, and ASG am so happy to hear of all the info you have gathered...
Will check back later...
I don't think the others were real professionals, but they did their best.........and no charge for anything. Their little parting gift was a pair of glamour gloves. It easily took one and a half hours. Now I am so sleepy, I hope mom can carry on by herself tonight.
Last night I put mom's neb machine on her and forgot about it. I folded clothes, went next door to see what time she was coming over today, talked for a while, and when I came back in the house Hubby told me mom's was reporting us !!! For leaving the neb machine on....she didn't even take the mask off.......Hubby says who are you reporting us to.....she didn't know, but she would find someone. By the time I went back there, she was s;eeping peacefully and the next time she got up, she had forgotten all about it...........so, no, the police never came to take me to jail today.................
Yep, the deadbolt is in and Target did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he even installed a new smoke alarm in the upstairs hallway....the old one quit working. I about fainted when I saw him getting things out to do it! And he didn't immediately take a nap.....so proud of him......my little buckeroo!!!!!!
Nothing to report on the col......still crazy and still locked up. She called a little while ago and just doesn't understand why hubby can't write the orders to release her. So explained it again. When we were visiting with her earlier, she wanted us to take her shoppy-shoppy at the gift shop. Some things will always be there I reckon, but I sure wish the driving and shopping brain cells would die.
Anyone heard from seeme......I bet she's feeling like a little pampered princess. Hope you've had a good day.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Happy to hear your pampering was good. Now you just have to talk hubby into learning how to do that, but without the "other" stuff men like to do...
love ya
Jam, Hope they straighten out COL for you.
Caretaker... Does your husband have a brother? Otherwise, is there a shop where they sell men like this? I don't know any of them.
My garden was full of men yesterday, but they were just cleaning my sewer. It was funny and I will post some photos on Facebook. It was not too expensive (I have not paid, yet, anyway...) but I shall have to make more substantial works in the future. One day at a time, one day at a time... I am just glad yesterday I could take a shower and start a washing machine.
I'd like to go shoppy shoppy (I could take COL with me) but I can't right now.... I owe the dogs a long walk, as yesterday I couldn't take them for more than half an hour! Have a nice day everyone, as much as you can.
deefer got the cow patty for #500......woohoo!!!!
rossella.....you would have to have the patience of a saint to go shoppy-shoppy with the col! She told us yesterday she loves to just pick up things that are so pretty, and showed us how to do it, and put them in her cart. Oh my.....:) And that's the problem....the last time we took her shopping she spent almost $200 and every piece of the fresh fruit and veggies I had to throw out because she wouldn't let me do anything with them. Sometimes it was easier not to argue with her. I did manage to take the green peppers when she wasn't looking and make her stuffed peppers. But now all meals will be catered for her, so we don't have that to worry about.
So with all those men in your garden, there wasn't a keeper at all? That's too bad...:)
With the col still being held hostage it's pretty boring around here. Not much to report. I do need to see if I can find some of the bibs they are using on her at meal time.....she raved about the one she had on last night, so I will see if I can find some. If not, I will just make her some. Taking the dogs in to be groomed on Friday and I'm sure there will be an extra charge for the col's doggie's butt. He growled at both of us this morning while we were putting them all outside. He has decided that he won't go easily and that's unusual for him. He doesn't act like he is in pain, but if his temperament starts to change.....I wonder if they make doggie Valium?
I hope everyone had a good night and a better day to look forward to......ladee and sonny will be playing pick-up-sticks, and seeme will be redoing her little tootsies, 54...where are you? Please let us know how you are doing if you are just reading.
ASG.......how ya doing? Been thinking about you. Planning a vacation? We were talking about taking the rv down to the park beside the Branson Landing, don't know if that will even be possible this year. caretaker, krn, deefer, linda, angels to starri, don't want to leave anyone out....still soaking my brain with coffee!!!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
The heart hurts, and now starts the process of tying up the loose ends of death, cancelling services, arranging pick up of medical equipment that was supplied, cleaning of the house and putting together things that were left to others. Why does death have to hurt so much? Hospice has been the greatest blessing that one could ask for. Their care and devotion to the comfort of everyone, not only the patient but the family as well.
There at the end, she was in labored breathing with something coming out of her lungs, I was able to clean that up and her final breathes were calm and easy.. I am so grateful that I was able to make it there in time to be with her.
I joked with her about it being a good thing there wasn't a cop behind me, cause I would probably be getting a speeding ticket and jail time for failure to stop for a police officer.. I was there for maybe twenty minutes before her last breath.
I go in a little while to pick up two of the brothers and take them to the funeral home to sign paperwork for the cremation. After that the paperwork will be faxed to the brother in California. and then we will be able to cremate..
Talk with all of you later, may God give you strength to endure.
Yesterday all day she only went to the bathroom 4 times. Last night it was every hour. When I asked her why she said maybe it was because it was dark. Hey, are we sundowning in her own way? She did not get a nap at all, so she should have been out like a light. Wish I could find a sleeping pill that wouldn't make her worse. And I am too chicken to try anything I already have. Maybe I will experimint over the weekend, when hubby doesn't have to work. Tomorrow is the big appt. day, so I mut make some calls and still fill out paperwork. I was too relaxed after my pampering last night to do it. Everyone have as goos a day as possible.
Johnny, here's a hug for you and hope Miss Betty is well also.
Jam, something may have to be done about the puppy's butt. He's probably growling because it hurts and he's crabby. Gonna try the vet again? Let me know what the vet says. Hard to believe it isn't a cancer, with all the mess, it should be.
The dust is now thick enough to write on. Guess some housecleaning is in order, so I will get moving.................Later.........
My brain is really tired this morning....I guess if I do laundry I can't get into much trouble that way.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I'm very tired this afternoon. This life is taking its toll...
Jam, the men that were in my garden were not doing pleasant things, let's say that the situation killed the romance.
Brought the other Brother home after taking care of things, asked him if he needed anything from the store, told me he "needed" a 24 pk of beer, but didn't have the money for it, he didn't need it, but then again, this is going to be his way of dealing with the grief, so I stopped and picked it up for him.
It was all I could do last night to not have a beer or a drink with dinner, I have over 18 years of sobriety, I knew it would not serve any purpose for me to throw that away, it would not bring her back. So I could understand exactly where he was coming from.
My Sister in Law, has three days off for bereavement and her two regular days off, which will be good for both her and my brother, she'll be able to be there for him, when he needs someone. Hubby is going to take a one day motorcycle trip as I don't need him here right now, he'll be back tomorrow evening, and I will need his help this weekend, for moving stuff.
We're waiting on my disability back pay to come through, then when it does, our two dog's and us are packing it up and taking a couple of months vacation. We haven't figured out yet if we are going to take the cat or find her a new home..traveling with the dogs is going to be fun enough. Squeek travels well though, no car sickness and doesn't go crazy. amazing for a cat, she and both dogs are best buds..they all curl up together. My therapist gave her to me, I might ask if she would like to have her back.
Anyway, I've taken the next couple of days to just veg, so I believe I hear my pillow calling my name... Love and Hugs to everyone
Carmen