I'm so disheartened and angry.

Yes, I saw the same thing in a SIL on my side of the family. I've referred to her mother previously. Lived to be 94 yo. Pretty self sufficient up until a few months before her demise.

I guess the sisters, there are 3 of them locally, began discussion that the mother needs to be in AL. My SIL, one of the 3 sisters .. came undone at that very notion, *no absolutely not .. no! .. I will bring her into my home and care for her*. This SIL works FT. Sounds like her two sisters tried to get her to see reasoning that she is too far gone, needs too much care .. that she can't do it, not and work FT.

No, absolutely she wouldn't hear of it.

Brought her mother into her home. Soon found out that she'd have to go out on FMLA .. and spend half a day every day in care of her mother. The other half, the mother had the resources to pay for an aide to come in 1/2 days every day. But SIL soon found out, they won't "lift" a person. So showering her mother, was now on her.

Unbelievable as it is .. she left also for a long planned vacation .. and left her sisters (who were resentful at this point, having wanted the mother placed in AL) ... left her sisters in charge, for the week she'd be gone.

The mother had a stroke, .. ultimately .. she was gone within a few weeks. SIL now out of town and having to get back in a rush.

Some people, you're right, .. they just "hear what they want to hear".

I saw an interesting angle on functional parents with a friend. The parents, one with AD, were moved across country to live across the street from the daughter. The parent with AD was disoriented, having been moved from his lifelong home. After a few tough years, the mother told the daughter that she'd put her own name on a waiting list for an AL in her hometown, and her husband's name on a waiting list for MC, also in their hometown. She'd just received word that there were now openings for each of them, and told her daughter they'd be heading back home. The daughter was devastated at the idea that the parents were returning home. But she came to realize what an amazing gift her mother had given to her, by making the decision herself to get the care each parent needed.

Dorker--
I'm super proud of you for refusing to step back into the fray. It must be very confusing for both DH and SIL to hear you "refuse" to do things for MIL all day, every day. It's going to take some time for them to "get it". Hang tough!!

I loved the comment somewhere back (this post has become my daily drama--I'm sure a lot of us are "lurking" and reading and wondering, "what's NEXT???")....that spoke of wanting mom/dad to be independent as long as possible when the description of their day-to-day indicates they are anything BUT independent. That hit too close to home! Mother had a chance 2 months ago to let us hire aides to help her out--(her last friend who could drive is now facing her own EOL)...and mother was casting about for someone she could buddy up to for rides--hence the aides coming in. She Okayed it, then w/o warning, decided against it. Now she is essentially held captive by her own "independence". I told her I would no longer drive her anywhere, I can't move her into and out of a car safely. Brother can't--still recouping from back surgery. She is well and truly stuck.

People often think if they live "alone" they are independent. Not being able to leave your house b/c you're just too dang stubborn to accept an aide in your life to HELP keep you independent is plain ridiculous. Sitting home praying that someone will stop by whom you can con into driving you somewhere is crazy.

I feel so bad for you all--esp that your MIL can phone all and sundry. My mother can't use the cell phone, and doesn't know my number by heart (same ph #, 39 years, has never bothered to remember it) so she doesn't call. If it's a real emergency (and it never is) my brother would call. Or the EMT's if the 'call chain' from her fall pendant got to calling #7.

I kind of am waiting for the "big one" from your MIL. And you know it's going to happen. Wow. I am glad for you that you've un-invested yourself from this hot mess and are letting hubby and sis deal. And they're loving it, aren't they? (Sorry, so snarky).

My hubby call screens his mom--waits until she's called 4-5 times before he will man up to call her back. So sad, really.

What's really beautiful in all this, is that you state many times that you really love your MIL. In spite of all the "stuff". I find that amazing.

In the vein of the last few posts -

Yesterday I saw an commercial on TV for an agency that provides in-home services for the elderly.

The ad went on to list some of the services the company provided - showering, laundry, cooking, shopping, driving/taking to doctor appointments etc. Then in their final statement they said in a robust, cheery voice "Help mom stay independent in the comfort of her own home!" 

Ummm - independent? 

In what world? Oh yeah, the world of denial, false hope and unrealistic expectations!

Independent?  Yeah - that's helpful.

I agree that Dorker's MIL is gunning for that Yellow Bedroom. She has created an unworkable situation and her solution is that Yellow Bedroom. Her son seems unable to reason with his mother or even discuss POA.

Sure seems that way, doesn't it, NYDaughter?

All of that lamenting to her son over her loss of will to live because she can't participate in the life of her 4 y/o ggdaughter.

How better to perk mom up, revive her will to go on - than to put her front and center - or a close as they can get her - involved in the life of the 4 y/o? Hence - The Yellow Bedroom. The means to not an end but a another gasp of breath to live. After all - this is "one more..." that hasn't been tried yet!

I think MIL is actually recognizing that she can't "manage" and The Yellow Bedroom will keep her out of a facility and smack in the center of things. Perfect! No facility, no "managing" and her cure to loneliness all in one Yellow Bedroom. That's killing a lot of birds with one big stone. So she starts the "life's not worth living if I can't pick ggdaughter up from school!"

AND - I think DH is priming the pump with his "I can count on you in the case of an emergency, right?" Right?

I know^^ - the Yellow Bedroom coming up.
Instant solution.

One of those children (DH & SIL) has to step up. Why won't they? It's time! I don't understand. This happens every day with we baby boomers & our parents. Not fun but has to get done. 

Mr Dorker is indeed "priming  the pump" because he has a business and can't be bothered about HIS mother. He's too busy for HIS mother. So, ergo, his wife Dorker may be available. 

Well, she (MIL) can't be much on her own so have the H go on over there tonight. Someone has to make sure she's ok.

What a dilemma, Dorker. The kids don't communicate either!
I don't even think it should be you to "step & fetch". But she can't be left solo, he needs to visit her like every other day.

You are so right, Rainmom. The Yellow Bedroom seems to be the only thing that hasn't been tried yet. I wouldn't be surprised if Dorker's husband has visions of moving his mother in for the holidays, you know the old "it's just temporary" so he doesn't have to drive back and forth in the snow. He's let Dorker know that he's the breadwinner and, well, the Yellow Bedroom is in his castle.

There beeds to be a discussion about the Yellow Bedroom as a solution. 
My grandma moved in with us when she was in her mid 80s. She was mobile with a walker, compliant with meds and able to be left alone.

 There was a rotation of two weeks at our house two weeks at aunt's house. Eventually, Aunt, who worked full time, became ill herself and grandma stayed with us.

But there was a discussion. And grandma didn't dictate the solution.

And in those days, there were no assisted living places. There were asylums for the old. 

MiL has a built in solution in the income-based place where DD works.

Discussion needed here, Dorker!

I don't know where Dorker lives, but parts of Alaska are already getting cold enough for....SNOW! Winter is coming as are the holidays. His mother misses her ggdaughter. Mr. Dorker is trying to run a business. It seems that the Yellow Bedroom is the most expedient solution for Mr. Dorker to not have to deal with "emergencies".

We are over 1100 comments into this thread and I think that Dorker's family is not the "let's talk about how to handle mom" type. They seem like more the "let's try everything until something works" type. And the Yellow Bedroom works for the breadwinner and his sister whose own husband has health issues.

Will post more later, when all my company leaves. But suffice to say Queen Mommy summoned DH last night, .. to spend the night, complete with tears ... and a terrible headache that has taken her appetite, .. she can't eat, addled/frazzled. Off DH went, to go spend the night with Momma Drama .. and had to leave the whole family in town here to visit.

There, he found the plate that had been brought to her previously (cook out here, bque) .. a plate had been brought to her by youngest daughter and her friend .. they'd left with that express purpose, to bring MIL a plate.

Youngest daughter reported MIL not doing well (we've known this for days). She had no appetite, splitting headache ...

So youngest daughter returns home, reports findings to her dad, who then called his mom, and MIL in tears .. bad bad severe headache .. and would he come, can he come sleep there for the night. He did so. Got there and insisted that she eat some of what had been brought there, got her a tall glass of cold Pedialyte to drink ... made her drink it. She did eat everything he fixed her on the plate.

He also found that she is not taking her meds, vials full of pills not taken. Said he'd have to return today to get that all straightened out, which is where he is presently. The crowds of family here to visit are out on a nice drive to let the little ones rest (little ones among the group, 2 of them under 5 yo). DH has gone out to straighten out the pill vials ..

DH reports that he did "lecture/nag" his mother (why bother, does no good) .. that's the reason he says to her (these are the words he says he imparted to her) that she needs 24/7 care .. in an assisted living environment. Said to her, "sister comes here, cooks for you, hands out your pills, makes sure you stay hydrated .. and all is well ... sister goes home, you slide off the cliff, it keeps happening".

He answer to DH "That's not me, I'm not about that".

What the hades ever!

I'm pretty disgusted.

Talking to my SIL on my side of the family ... they had to do the whole get tough with her 94 yo mother (now deceased as of this past year) .. but it had come to that point with her mother and she reports having to have the "sit down talk" with her .. and that it had to come to, no one would come when she beckoned with a scary headache or "not feeling well". That's what it had to come to.

That's where it NEEDS to go in this situation .. but until then ................... here we are.

Momma Drama beckons and everyone runs.

And I made the mistake of (I asked DH if his sister is aware he spent the night there, at the tearful request of his mother, and that he found she isn't taking her meds, .. hasn't been eating/hydrating), .... asked if he'd imparted this to his sister. His answer: "No, mother asked me not to tell her, she'll send in the Calvary and figure a way to get here .. and she doesn't want that ..".

He told me this when he returned here briefly this morning, to shower and then leave for the Sunday School class he teaches.

As soon as he left (I made the huge mistake) of telling SIL. Did so because I want her so badly to see this slide off the cliff that keeps reoccuring.

Big mistake. Shouldn't of bothered. Doesn't matter in the end. Excuses... justifications .... any and everything to address that this person is not able to function on her own. Might as well have saved my efforts. Hopefully my hard head has learned and from now on, .. if he doesn't tell her, .. oh well.

Interesting that SIl was most shocked, "Everytime I talk to her .. and I talk to her 3 and 4 x's daily, .. she tells me she's eating, she's taking her meds ... she's doing good".

Well that's not the story on this end.

She ended up talking to her mom .. and the excuses and justifications flying ... "mother thinks maybe some of her meds aren't agreeing with her .. mother says that she has been eating".

Oooookay. Well I'm here to tell you she hasn't .. been eating, and/or taking her meds .but what the h*ll ever!

I am thoroughly disgusted, is what I am.

"I'm not about that"? What the heck does that mean?

" mother, things can't continue this way. I'm going to lose my business, coming to rescue you. We need to find a solution to this, and you're not helping by rejecting everything on offer. Next time you feel this way, we'll call 911"

Bad headache...high BP.....dehydration

MIL's BP actually runs on the low side. It's an anomaly that it was spiked the other day to the high range. That isn't typical of her. Seems .. from what I hear .. it's all over the place these days. Generally running low, which is her normal. But spiking on occasion to high. The PCP apparently rx'd some BP med .. to be taken only when her reading is above 140/90. I don't know if MIL is doing as instructed w/same or not, but that was the instruction, FWIW.

The severe headache was, IMO, lack of nutrition .. she IS NOT eating .. unless someone will go sit with her, make her plate .. and sit with her. She will, then, eat. She isn't hydrating, as she should.

Doc found her, on her visit the other day, to be dehydrated.

Same slippery slope she keeps falling off of. As I said, always .. SIL comes here, works like a dog .. and hands out her pills, cooks meals for her, keeps a glass of water at her elbow and repeated reminders .. all goes well. SIL leaves .. that slope slips up and off she goes again, into the abyss.

As DH says of her (he finds it all really depressing, disturbing) .. "she is just so ready to go .. just .. she wants to go .. she's done being here".

I said to him "then why does she beckon when the ramifications of her decisions that will likely take her on outta here eventually, when those symptoms crop up ... she beckons .. doesn't she understand that won't be ignored".

He said that's what he told her. We knew of (distant family relative) got up into her early 90's .. decided she was done here on this planet. Only had one son .. that's the only relative she had at all. Decided she was done here, quit eating/hydrating, meds, etc., .. told everyone to leave her be .. (friends). Son came, tried to persuade otherwise .. nope. Wouldn't hear of it.

MIL refers to her case .. "I often think of K when she just decided she was done here, and she just quit it all, quit eating, taking meds, .. everything .. and asked everyone to leave her be .. I think that's what I'd like".

This is what MIL imparts to her son. Her son then responds, "But mother, when you call us that you aren't doing well, we aren't going to ignore it".

I don't know, at that I changed the subject. It's just the same vicious cycle .. almost like she's playing this "game" ...... of *oh come quickly everyone, I'm unwell" .. and then everyone clamors .. until .. until the next time.

I don't think of her as being that sinister. But it sure seems that way.

Yes, Barb, indeed, that's what needs to transpire, "Mother this can't go on ... ", but until that day comes .. it's going to continue to *go on*.

And me over here, firmly entrenched on the page you describe .. her offspring however, in rescue mode, consistently.

SIL needs to wrap her head around the fact that her mother lies to her on the phone. It's hard.

Took me a painfully long time to incorporate that reality myself. And I was just a 45-minute drive away!

Unfortunately -- in your situation -- SIL's new(?) reality will only exacerbate the triangulation. Sigh. 

Hang tough, Dorker.

Narcissists lie.

I bet the Yellow Bedroom came up last night when Mr. Dorker slept at his mother's house. Mother called and her son dropped everything including out of town guests.

I feel bad for elders who become ill, who don't feel well and who need assistance.

But let's look at what ACTUALLY happened.

SIL called MIL several times yesterday: Everything was fine

MIL was brought a plate of food by DD: Oh, I've got a headache, perhaps you'll mention that to your dad. But I'll be fine, you youngsters go and have fun.

MIL to DH: I'm dying over here, terrible headache; come take care of me, please, sonny boy.

What SHOULD have happened at that point was that DH should have called 911 to get a professional evaluation of what was up with his mom.

She's playing everyone like a fiddle.

She sure is and everyone (but Dorker) is still falling for it. Mil will jeopardize her health to get attention.

Dorker - what you said about that grandma needs to happen here too, though I expect dh and sil are too far into denial to do it. Otherwise, the games mil is playing will eventually backfire on her, and her BP will spike too high, dehydration will cause a clot, lack of nutrition will cause a fall or whenever... and it won't be manageable by family.

There is nothing you can do. She has trained them very well.

Oh Dear Dorker, I feel for you, I really do! I know how much you Love your MIL, but if your Dh and his sister don't get tough and get the POA's in effect and soon, you all are going to be in a world of hurt!

She will end up in hospital with a stroke, and the hospital will have no option but to give her everything that they can throw at her including meds, surgery, and forced food and hydration, until she possibly needs CPR to keep her alive because there is NO Directive or POA in place!

You Are doing the right thing by staying your distance, and Please, Do Not get Sucked back in, the cliff is about to give way, with your MIL sliding right off the edge, and unfortunately it will be devastating to her children, who could have forced or enforced much, much better options for her, if only they had had that sit down, to tell her exactly what needs to be done, NO EXCUSES!

My husband and I have been in your exact same shoes for so many years now, 13 of which my FIL lived with us, and Finally, when enough was enough, and we became So burnt out Steppin' and Fetchin' for him, fixing nutritious meals twice a day, doing all his shopping, errands, DR'S, Rx', You know the whole d*mn endless gamut of things they NEED, and we'd had enough!

So We sent him to live in a very nice Assisted living place, just 5 blocks from us, moved all his furnishings from our house to his new apartment, fixed it up real nice too, and still my husband was visiting and Steppin' & Fetchin', but at least now I wasn't nearly so involved in it, I still however had to listen to my husband complain about it! Grrr! Old habits are hard to Break, under the Narcissist control, FOG!!!

9 whole weeks that lasted, he enjoyed living there, eating 2 meals per day, getting out a bit and visiting with others at meal times, his Son still coming daily, Way more visits than any other resident ever recieved! Everybody loved him there, and he was beginning to settle in until.....

Until that fateful day just 9 weeks from when he was moved in, my husband had been saying for a week that his Dad wasn't acting just right, but he couldn't put his finger on just what, and I failed to pick up on the verbal cues from my hubby, but on the day my husband went to see him, going to catch him just after his lunchtime meal, but then hubby found him on the floor of his apartment, completely naked but his underwear (how he normally sleeps), TV still on from the night before, unconscious and cold to the touch, he had been on the cold floor since at least 6pm the previous night, husband though he was dead. Hubby shaking and calling out to him, Finally got a moan out if him, 911 called, he was hospitalized, Pneumonia, Sepsis, Severe Cardiac Impairment, Dehydration and Hypothermia (BTW, all the things your husband may find, when he goes to see his Mom when he hasn't heard from her in 24 hours or so).

Unfortunately, the hospital also found that he had a Left Lung Cancerous Mass, which has already spread to his diaphram and 3rd rib, what to do, what to do???

The man already has Lymphoma, which is in a wait and watch phase, and now this new Primary Lung Cancer! The Cancer specialist said that my 87 year old FIL is too sick, and too frail to Ever undergo any sort of Cancer treatment, and that his best option is Hospice, either in a facility or in our home once more, and the Dr felt he wouldn't last days to about 3 weeks, MAX!

So home we brought him once more (it's been 4 weeks now and he's going strong! Grr!), as you see, WE ARE IT! My husband's siblings are completely absent from their Dad's life, and both have lived out of state for many years now. They are both Awful people, but that is irrelevant at this point. IMO, they are probably absent for a reason, as their Dad is complete Narcissistic, so he probably screwed them up and over from an early age!

So now we have him back in our "yellow room", right where he wants to be, being waited on hand and foot, as he is bedbound now and double incontinent (on a catheter)! Yea Me!

I only tell you this because so much of this Can be avoided! In our case the Lung cancer was not avoidable, our situation is tragic, I know this, and there is also an end in sight, he is Dying, or I wouldn't have agreed to do this again! But your husband and sister Can make some changes, can convince her that there is a better way, for her, and first all of you!

Get her into a place where she is safe, good food, good care, and a place where her kids, Grandkids and Great grandkids can all come to see her, take her out, and her Be the Matriarch of the family, she can then hold court, and you all can Enjoy being a part of her life again! In the correct capacity, her loving family, not her slaves to her ever coming illnesses and unhappiness!

I Never thought my FIL would entertain going to AL, but when presented correctly, he jumped at it, and I was flabbergasted in a good way! 8 years too late, by my calculations, but he went. But the cards were not on our side, but the may just be for YOU ALL, when hubby and sister explain things just right, and who knows, she will probably just Love it, especially when she knows that you all won't abandon her! Holidays, weekend drives, visits from the Grandies, all of it, will still be happening, with much less stress upon any one person, and the AL place also does shopping trips each week on theIr bus, and transportation to and from the residents Dr's appointments. Mail-order Rx, can all be set up, it's Brilliant!

Yes, you can tell them to do it, have the conversation, have them throw in some horrible hospital and Incapacitated scenarios, that will open her eyes to what IS EVENTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN, if she doesn't Assign POA, and AGREE to go into Assisted living. Have your husband take her to visit, AFTER YOU have chosen a nice one, nearer to your own home, so it isn't such an inconvenience! Bite the bullet, or one day soon, they will be kicking themselves, possibly with Guilt!

Getting Old Sucks!

The whole teary, "I've got a headache. Pleeese, come stay with me!" was about one thing and one thing only - HER. Mil just couldn't stand the fact that the world was continuing to revolve around her - that other people were actually living their lives and GOD FORBID - enjoying themselves! So she had to ruin it. Ruined it for DH and probably hoped she ruined it for you, Dorker. I hope she didn't - at least for you!

But for God sakes!!! No offense but is DH as dense as a sack of rocks ? How could he not see this for what it was?  I mean, isn't this EXACTLY what happened the last time you had your family in town?

I'd be pretty PO'd at DH if I were you. Will DH every buy a vowel and learn to call 911?

Anytime there is a headache that is bad enough for tears, it's time for the E.R. and not a slumber party! Sometimes they are signs of T.I.A.'s or Strokes. But how will you know if you don't get checked out? "Mother of Pearl"! (That's me cussing) Happy Labor Day Everyone!

Bookshop girl, you said it!!!! I'm so glad that when my mom called my SIL with a headache that was like no pain she'd ever felt before, 911 was called.

Mom's BP was 260/112. Getting her to the ER saved her life.

Dorker, does DH NOT get that his mom is seriously ill, both mentally and physically?

Not to be disrespectful towards your husband but doesn't he see his mother can't live alone and needs constant supervision? The woman isn't even taking her meds correctly (a basic). He should call 911 today to have her evaluated. (Labor Day here). Let them assess her and leave her there at the hospital and try to get her admitted. 

I can't believe DH & SIL continue to choose to do nothing but hope & wish this situation gets better. It will not get better without intervention. 

I hope the siblings talk today (it being a Holiday) and develop a plan for MIL. They are simply being obtuse. Nothing will get better the way it is now- MIL refusing 3rd party help, no one has POA, mobility problems/fall risk, etc.

It's not up to you to fix this, Dorker - it's the siblings that need to put on their grown up pants & arrange for  their mother to receive long term care.

Your husband & SIL appear unfazed even though both are at wit's end but are avoiding "the talk" even amongst themselves.

Sad situation. Your husband should plan to drop in every 1-3 days to keep an eye on her.

I know it's hard but unless you can persuade your H & SIL to come up with a plan for THEIR mother, is there any reason for you to talk with your SIL anyway?  Neither she nor her brother appear to comprehend what needs to be done & I see SIL is rationalizing & managing  from a distance (same pattern).
Same old same old.

Thinking of you Dorker. I hope you can stay strong. You've come a long way. And isn't this why you detached anyway? Because neither H or SIL listen, as you've told them for months (& years too maybe) that MIL cannot safely live alone & the future wasn't going to take care of itself. swoop down & take care of the matriarch's needs. 

Stick to your guns and think before you act or speak. Remember if you engage with  SIL, she is going to reel you back but. And she did come back to you yesterday with all the normal, her "manage from afar" wisdom, second guessing but asking you to go assess her and evaluate. Why should you, none of them take your advice or guidance anyway.
Step all the way out. 

Dorker, DH lied (by omission) to his sister because his mother asked him not to say anything to SIL. But she couldn't force him to agree, could she? He hadn't given her an undertaking to keep the information confidential. He should in fact refuse to do that.

If MIL does not sort out her medication routine she will have a stroke and be dead or disabled by the end of this year. It really is that simple.

If you can, get SIL, DH and MIL in the same room and tell them that, and tell them that this is your last word on the subject. If nothing comes of it, they are all contributing to MIL's premature ruin.

To add to what CM says, when she has the stroke, EVERYTHING will be done to save her in however disabled condition she's in. Because she has no advance directive that says " if I have a stroke, please don't Institute life saving measures".

DH SAYS " she's ready to go?". Let me tell you what that looks like .

MY MIL had a stroke during open heart surgery at 81, cane to and decided it was time to check out. She refused all food and medication. Her sons begged and pleaded, her doctor sent in psychiatry who declared her competent; she starved herself to death over the course of about 8 weeks.

She didn't whine or beg anyone to come see her.

What is the home health nurse's responsibility when she comes to see MIL? Shouldn't she be reporting MIL's inability to take of herself to someone?

Yes, I'd like to know that myself, .. the home health nurse. What are her findings, and reporting same and to whom. I do know when it was found the other day that her BP was spiked, .. her complaining of not feeling well. I do know the home health nurse took a urine sample to the PCP on MIL's behalf (tested clear). She talked to the PCP herself, .. what was said I don't know. And the PCP office called MIL and wanted her to come in to be seen. I know that SIL reports having talked to the PCP .. only briefly as that's all the time he had .. a moment ... and that he imparted to SIL "she has a lot going on, she's not well". I don't know what else was said, and it sounds like that wasn't elaborated on.

At that particular point (sometime last week) ... the PCP rx'd some kind of BP med that is to be taken only when she herself (at home via BP cuff) finds her BP to be elevated over 140/90, and only then. Cardio doc also rx'd some kind of BP med, .. and SIL most disturbed by this, as the normal Cardio doc on vacation and this rx'd by a PA in that office, a PA that has never laid eyes on MIL. And SIL circumvented that rx. Opting instead, it sounds like for the instructions and rx by PCP on an "as need" basis.

I know when MIL did go into the PCP office for the requested appointment, the complaint at that time, was shortness of breath .. and malaise .. just in general didn't feel good. I think he listened to her lungs, had her do some kinda breathing test thing, .. where she is to draw in a deep breath and push it out as hard as she can .. and that air that she was to push out, she was to have moved the test meter to the .. at least .. half way point, and was unable to meet that expectation. PCP said that she has some wheezing .. and gave her an "inhaler", she's been instructed to use, I guess Albuterol. MIL shared that with me, when dd and I took the babies and lunch there. I told MIL that the Albuterol can cause her heart to race .. a sensation of heart rate increase, .. momentarily, to be aware of that. She seemed unaware that could be a sensation she should look for.   FWIW, MIL doesn't have asthma never has .. and was never a smoker.   

I don't think the headache was part of the picture when she went into the PCP visit. The headache came on after. DH firmly believes the headache and so forth to be nothing but lack of nutrition/hydration. I tend to agree with him. We know over the last couple of weeks, any foods brought to her, she picks at it, .. and/or doesn't eat it, and says "I have no appetite". She hasn't been "eating". But interestingly enough, when DH was summoned to go spend the night there .. he got there ... and saw the plate that had been brought previously by youngest daughter, was in the fridge untouched (I sent enough for a few meals, I do that on purpose). He got it out and made her a small plate and a glass of Pedialyte and sat there with her, and all of it, polished off .. she did consume the small plate of food and the glass of Pedialyte.

Interestingly enough ... (very telling IMO .. but I'm so cynical at this point) .. yesterday on the agenda was that he go by there to straighten out her pill vial ... and address that issue (appeared she isn't taking her meds). He finished at church and then joined all of us after church (all my family in town visiting) for breakfast, and then left that setting to go do the pill vial thing. He got there, and it was already done, sorted and so forth, by MIL. MIL, who didn't see fit to call and ward him off, "I know you had mentioned coming by here to sort the pills, and you don't need to, I've taken care of it". Interesting. She wasn't about to turn down another "visit".

I said this (in my cynical tone) to a SIL on my side of the family and how it aggravates me (the very SIL that addressed this whole thing in her own aged mother at some point) .. her words were (but she isn't cynical like me). "She's lonely ... she's just lonely".

I wanted to respond to that, .. (but I'm just so filled with cynicism and no sympathy), "and whose fault is that?, .. she won't engage anywhere .. but she's fine .. she can manage ... and then she's lonely, cry me a d*mn river".

I didn't say it .. people that haven't lived what I have .. not recently (she did with her own mother who is now deceased) .. they look at you like you are a witch to be so unsympathetic. So I didn't say it out loud.

Also of note ... (I find extremely aggravating also) ... DH says that his mother has now said to him, "I just can't answer anymore questions, don't ask me", with regard to *have you eaten, what did you eat, are you drinking .. are you making sure to drink*. She says she can't answer that anymore .. that SIL asks her and then he too, calling to ck on her .. and asks her, she can't answer that anymore. DH says, "I'm not going to ask her anymore". I asked DH, "................so then what's your plan the next time she calls with general unease and malaise .. and not eating, .. call 911 .. let them do an assessment and transport to the hospital". He said, "I'll tell her to call sister".

I didn't argue with him. I'm so sick of it all, I have such a thread running through me of *no sympathy* that it's unhealthy for me to feel that way. I don't wish her harm .. I just wish that she would either MANAGE as she says so vehemently she will do ... or that her offspring would frickin deal with all of this .. once and for all and get her into a setting where help is available to her. I'm so sick of it all. Just bordering between that, .. no sympathy .. and anger with the whole thing.

Yes, the family had all come in town . just over a year ago .. we were celebrating my mother's 75th birthday and so we'd all gone to a historic community nearby and rented hotel rooms to spend the weekend together. That is when MIL had taken a nasty fall (no broken bones), but couldn't ambulate well enough to care for herself, so DH missed this event, in favor of staying with his mother, .. as SIL traveled her way to get here, to then take the reigns on it all.

DH is somewhere between sadness with it all. Must be tough to watch your mom . who you remember as youthful and viable .. to be so frail and so needy at this point. he borders between sympathetic and sadness with it all, to disgust .. he also feels disgust .. at the constant cycle .. as he said he told her, "Mother this is why you need to be where you can be cared for in an assisted living facility, sister comes here and cooks for you, hands you your pills, makes sure you are reminded to drink .. and you do fine ... sister leaves and you slide off the cliff, every time .. and here we are again, same thing that keeps happening, you don't eat .. you don't drink, you don't take your meds ... ".

He says her response is: "That's not me, I'm just not about that". Meaning, .. I'm not cut out of that cloth .. that I would be in a *facility* somewhere.

The latest he says .. was his visit yesterday when she imparted to him that she thinks maybe she will go ck herself into the hospital and ask them to do every test possible, that "something is wrong, I can just feel it, there is something wrong". He says he told her, "You're almost 88 years old, you aren't going to *feel right*, mother you hate hospitals, you're going to go do that, and then be there b*tching when they are poking and prodding and hauling you for this test and that test, and won't let you out of the bed, your problem is you won't eat, you won't take care of yourself, that's your problem".

I don't know what she said as a result of that.

I feel bad for him .. that is who I feel bad for. He obviously hasn't yet gotten to the saturation point on it all, and his sister is even further away from that saturation point, .. his sister is still on the page of one more gadget, one more pill, one more this or that ... and she will always, it seems, be so firmly entrenched in that.

I was talking to this same SIL on my side of the family about the above, and she said, "then she needs to come be the one to take her to said appointments, and see about the next gadget and the next pill and make sure it's taken .. as it should be, .. if she thinks that's the solution to it all, then she needs to be the one here to see to it, if they won't force their mother's hand on going to a facility for more care".

I said to her, "But SIL's husband has his own health issues and they have their team of medical professionals on their end, .. and he recently suffered a mild stroke himself .. and so that whole PT scene is ongoing on their end, .. she can't be here". She said, "then they need to force MIL's hand then .. if she can't be here to do it .. then she and your husband both need to force her hand".

As I told my SIL (my side of the family SIL) .. "You're preaching to the choir, I'm so on that page .. and into the next chapter even on that topic .. so over it ... but until they do it, .. and they aren't there ... this is status quo .... MIL fails to manage and take care of herself .. and it all slides off the cliff .. and someone has to put the pieces back together. At this point . it's no longer me, . and so I watch DH try to do so as best he can, .. but he isn't me .. never will be ... he simply isn't as vested in it all, even though it's his own mother .. he just isn't ... he's trying to run a business ... and that is going to be his first focus.

I'm just so angry this morning with it all. SIL it seems is trying to piece together, the 3 upcoming doc appts that MIL will need to have addressed ... MIL .. ordered by PCP for a follow up appt with him later this month ... also to have a chest xray .. as to that shortness of breathing thing .. also to see the cardio doc. SIL .. trying to line up transportation for same .. and I guess it's down to, sounds like, .. she's trying to communicate with the housekeeper and work around the house keeper's schedule .. and the housekeeper is willing/able to transport (for a fee) .. as long as her cleaning schedule allows for same. So SIL now trying to figure out how much that will cost and paying for it ... and then working around the housekeeper's schedule to get said appts in place.

I'm sure it's all a nightmare .. I so would like to say ... "well this is the path you guys are choosing .. I mean there are alternatives but nobody wants to talk about that .. so good luck with it all".

But I say nothing.

I'm just disgusted this morning, with the whole thing. Just disgusted and angry.

The asthma med isn't given for asthma, it's given to improve the airways in the lungs and hence her oxygen uptake. It's a bit of a Hail Mary. But it won't hurt. And anyway to be blunt if MIL can use the inhaler correctly and does so I will eat my hat.

And if that emergency-only medication is a nitroglycerin then your MIL is suspected of having angina attacks, which happen when the blood supply to the heart muscles is compromised for some reason. DH needs to understand all this: his mother is gearing up for a major cardiac event and/or stroke. Come to that, MIL needs to understand what she's risking because she probably won't die and if she doesn't the aftermath won't be pretty. And anyway God forbid she should die purely because her children are tiptoeing around her.

To be fair, if this guess at what some of the "lot going on" might be is even roughly in the right area, then poor old MIL will have genuine reasons not to be getting a grip here: she must feel terrible, and she must feel knackered.

But I don't mean that you should be tearing around and getting involved, Dorker, just that DH needs to wake up p.d.q. to what's happening. He could see if he can get his mother to give the nurse formal permission to talk to her kids.

Oh, and this agonising sudden headache - that can be a side effect of the nitro. When was she given it, do you know?