I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Didn't take long for things to hit the fan!
I agree with the above posters.
I am wondering about the micro manager dragging her heels in getting there. But, she's still micro managing dog care from a distance I guess.
Hope you get some answers today. Hang in there.
The answer to: "It's just temporary" is: "I CAN NOT POSSIBLY DO THAT".
No.
No, not even temporary.
That would be no.
Bad idea. No.
Not happening.
[repeat as required]
The lot-lot-lot weeing will certainly be because she's been given her diuretic having built up quite a waterlog over the last few days. They will then need to sort out her electrolytes, check her BP's back to normal, check her heart function and... da-da-da-DAAAH!... sort her out a discharge plan. This could be a moment of truth. Hold DH's hand and encourage him to play his cards right.
Why's she taken against taking her Lasix all of a sudden? Has she had a uti she didn't want to tell anyone about and didn't want to have to pee?
Oh poor Dorker. Anyway, I hope all this turns out to have something daft and trivial at bottom, and not a major health downturn.
How's the dog? Still on tofu? Poor little mite.
Look after yourself, D. You are doing superbly well.
I fell for the temporary note 2x - one with hubs friend that had baby and only needed help for 2-4 weeks after military discharge (arrived with no food, no cash, and checks printed with MY address) and once with another friend of husband that wanted to stay until her boyfriend was ready to move with her to new job (again told 2-3 days that became 2 weeks). Kind hearted people that are enablers (your husband and SIL for your MIL) seek easy solution. Until now, that has been YOU. Easier to move MIL into assisted living or skilled nursing from hospital. If she is low income, you can apply for Medicaid waiver in your state. She is an unsafe discharge to her own home, so social worker and your husband and SIL will try to make it your home. Are you ready for 24/7 care as MIL needs? NO. Is husband? NO. So she gets it at her little home or at facility with paid caregivers trained in transfers, medication management, and housekeeping. Remember, your daughter told you she is drowning and needs help. It's not a coincidence that MIL is crashing now that you are not available to rescue. And that you are paying attention to DD and babies. Breathe. I understand how hard it is to say NO. But if you don't MIL will not be with SIL-that is why SIL is not all over you. It is time to make decisions and her white=knight approach is not intended for MIL to "really move up there"...
SIL only micromanages when it's to the end of "keeping mom in her home". When the $hit it the fan and it started to become obvious that Dorker was backing off and that Mom was in no way going to be able to stay in her home, SIL seems to be running for the hills.
I'm supposing that HER husband is also having to say about obnoxious to him MIL coming to visit or stay.
Dorker, the ONLY solution to this is a nice facility. Can you daughter get her a space, do you think?
p.s. Remember that "No" is a complete sentence.
Will try and cover the bases that are known at this point, and it will be even more evident why this is a big fat NO, if it was ever anything but that (and it wasn't).
Was waiting for the Neurology rounds by doc, and that never occurred. I did leave my phone # .. and will wait to hear (as MIL .. I would deem it that she isn't really cognizant to understand/process and deal with what is told to her). Neurology never came by, but it's on the radar, as is Cardiology, which didn't come yet either.
They did put her on one round (IV) of antibiotics due to high WBC .. which they mentioned they are awaiting a culture on urine before any further antibiotics. Didn't sound like there was anything alarming on that front. But as we all know .. disorientation/confusion can be the result of a UTI in the elderly. Explanation there, along the lines that antibiotics have been administered and it's yet to see whether the culture deems more of that necessary and so any confusion/disorientation, etc .. resulting from that issue should be in hand.
HOWEVER .....
Attending physician came by and reports some *something blankety blank .. *ischemic* changes in the brain" (MRI shows this). Is this something that occurred yesterday, 10 years ago .. last week, the week before it .. not able to be determined. But there is evidence that there is loss of blood flow to the brain . and damage ..??....
I guess the inference there is that Neurology will have more to say on that topic, which .. see above .. hadn't yet reported in.
They did some kinda ultra sound thing (along with other stuff) to the heart, awaiting cardio doc visit on the results there, no cardio visit yet. They explained they were looking for any clotting in the heart. She is on a blood thinner and so it was said that if they find clotting it would be termed a "therapy failure" and more or different blood thinners would have to be put in place .. but ... talked with her about the fact that she is a fall risk . and weighing that with thinning someone's blood. But again .. defer to cardio .. and they'd yet to make their rounds with any info on the above.
BTW, they did administer Lasix somewhere in it all, thus all the pee-ing .. all the time .. constantly.
And to answer a previous question, why the opposition to Lasix? I have said all along that I think her mobility issues are the impediment. Lasix .. makes you get up and go to the bathroom . repeatedly. "Getting up" and "going" any d*mn where is a problem for her.
Somehow in her brain . her feeble brain .. I guess it makes sense to lay off the Lasix and when the edema gets to looking really really bad .. then take the Lasix . and deal with having to pee all over yourself repeatedly. I don't get it, .. anyone with a brain firing on all cylinders likely wouldn't get it. But somehow this computes with her.
A whole other story has to do with her being absolutely livid that they came in and wouldn't let her wipe her own hind-end .. did it for her. The indignity of that. The reason for this: She had been given a porta-potty beside her bed (see Lasix above and urgency issues thereof). This in and of itself P*SSED her off supremely .. she wanted to go to the bathroom, not a porta-potty beside her bed. But anyway ... so (btw they have alarms on her bed, she isn't allowed to get up unless assisted), she called needing help to the potty beside her bed. They helped her. Instructed she isn't to get up unless she calls out to them . and they will come assist.
She got up. *Cognitive impairment, can't follow simple instructions*
She got up ... off the potty and was leaning forward .. when caught. This caused medical staff to freak the eff out, .. that she might would fall, and as a result they got her situated and wiped her hind-end FOR HER .. and the indignity of the whole thing. She was beyond P*SSED! Her words, "people are people and you all treat people as they are some kind of assembly line one size fits all, and that is no way to treat people and I want it registered just how displeased I am with that whole situation" .. on and on and on it went. Her ranting at them.
However .. what that resulted in was this. The med staff then agreed with her that since the urgency has passed as to urinating .. that she can .. if she passes the assessment for same, .. she can go to the bathroom (not the porta potty) .. but that she will have to be looked at by PT .. to determine whether it's safe for her to do so on her own . if not .. then she will still have to call for assistance.
I was there when that assessment was taking place. She failed it with flying colors.
Needed to hold onto someone's hand to be able to navigate (along with her cane . they asked her what she generally uses as an assistive device to walk, she said a cane). Handed her cane and asked her to get up from the bed . which she struggled mightily to do . falling backwards a couple of times before actually being able to get to an "up" position . .and then with cane in hand, she then grabbed the fellow's hand right there (a PT staff member) .. and said out loud (impairment...???...ya think ..???) .. said out loud, "I do better if I have someone to hold onto, I'll just hold this young man's hand here". Failed it with flying colors.
So the decision was made that yes she can use the bathroom, not the porta-potty but no, not on her own ... she will need to be assisted and the alarm device for her bed, armed and she is not allowed out of bed without help.
They then wanted to assess her ability with her cane .. and asked her to walk unassisted, using only her cane. Found her to be too wobbly. The cane isn't sufficient, it was said .. any longer and that she needs to be using the walker 100% of the time, everywhere .. in her home, anywhere she goes, 100% of the time.
Moral of the above (been there/been told that and the result has been the same, she does what the h*ll she pleases, and doesn't use a walker). She told them the same .. that she's not going to do that. Argued with them. They, the med staff, so very professional and trying to persuade her that if she wishes to remain in her her home *independent* and try to stave off injury which could force her into a setting where she is no longer independent, then she needs to adapt to the accommodations that she needs physiologically. Her arguing the above .. on and on that went, as you might imagine it would.
Then .. a cognitive screening done by OT .. and that too .. impairment found. They refer that she needs a full battery of cognitive testing .. at so and so rehab place and they will line that up for her. That too, she refuses .. doesn't want any part of all this .. her words, "you guys can recommend all you want to, but in the end, I"m going to do what I want to do . and I just want to go home, me and my little dog .. that's all I want, I don't want all this". Also as a point of interest, she was told by OT .. "we don't want you driving until you are cleared by your doctor". WELL MY GOD you can imagine how that landed. And no, that too, didn't convince her that she better pipe up and listen and adhere to recommendations .. nope ...
I did try the conversation that you might imagine .. and it went nowhere. Trying to talk to her along the lines of, "Look nobody is saying that you cannot return to your home and your independence that isn't what they are saying to you .. at all .. they hear you loud and clear .. they understand what it is you want .. but as you age and you continue to experience changes that come with aging .. you have to do what you need to do to adapt and make it safe for you to continue to do so ... look .. so and so has diabetes and takes medication .. would you tell that person they can do just as they please or would you recommend they take the medication".
Her answer: "I would tell so and so .. *you do just as you d*mn well please .. if you want to take the medication you do that .. but if you don't, it's your life you do what you want to do*.
SIGH
I tried, .. but I gave up. Told her "in the end, it only hurts you .. you do realize they are trying to help you to stay safe .. and if you don't want to do it .. you do what you want .. but they explained to you, .. as you've told them so many times, each and every one of them that comes in here to you .. you've said to them, repeatedly that they better do every test that there is to be done, because they will not see you again .. ever .. once they cut you loose out of there, you've told each and every professional you see . you've told them that ... several times .. that they better get good and done with you, because once you're out of there, you are never coming back .. well you do realize .. you are putting yourself at risk for a lot more hospital stays and worse .. if you fall".
She said, "I'm going to do, in the end, what I want to do".
I gave up, .. I left shortly after that.
As I told SIL, my words, "Basically I'm here . wondering why we're here . .she came here under her own agreement brought by DH .. because she wanted to know what's wrong .. that she can't think .. and so they tell her what's wrong and what they recommend and she refuses ... why are we here ... if she wants to be left the H*ll alone .. then fine .. why are you calling when you can't think .. or your foot is swollen and inflamed .. fine .. then leave everybody alone". These are the words I told SIL .. along with: "I can't do this ... this isn't my mother, I'm sitting up here arguing with someone who is OBVIOUSLY cognitively impaired .. and I can't do this, I love you guys .. love every one of you .. and I've done all I can through the years to help with her healthcare and be an advocate for her, but I'm not doing this .. this isn't fair to me".
She agreed, SIL.
She doesn't even know, SIL doesn't, if she can put up with this herself. I told SIL: "Well then you know the next step .. you guys need to be talking to her about where she'd like to be placed .. and you can return to being her daughter, not her caretaker". She said, "oh she will NEVER STAND FOR THAT". I said in response, "Well I can tell you that I can't do this .. I will help .. with this hospital visit, but she will be discharged with all of these things in the way of recommendation .. and she is refusing them .. I can't do this, she's not my mother".
SIL is working to finalize some things on her end . so she says (haircut this afternoon .. a library book that somehow went home with her son and his family that she had to go in and pay for .. a trip to the grocery as they'd been so busy in the final days with family there .. no groceries had been bought) . this is on her radar at the moment, and then she will sit down and look at plane fare .. to get here.
I expect MIL will be discharged tomorrow. She should be going to a Rehab place, she is NO D*MN SHAPE to be going home . too impaired. But see above, there's not a snowball's chance in H*ll that'll happen .. a rehab place. Nope.
Where is DH in all this. He is working today .. under the gun .. having missed two days already in all of this and behind .. and pressured to get some things done . and so he isn't on the scene in any of this, and I can barely get his ear to report in on what it is that I"m dealing with.
I left the insanity and came home.
Wow!!!!
DH, haven't been able to get his ear for more than about 5 mins each time I talk to him today .. (too busy) and preoccupied with what is in front of him . in his face . not in his ear (me).
He just came through here, having finished his work for the day and there is an imperative/mandatory meeting he is to show his face at, at church, . said he has to be there, for 5 mins. at least (they are aware of his mother's situation) .. said he is then going to see his mother at the hospital.
I had his ear about 10 mins, to reiterate some of what was said above .. in the way of explaining/expanding to him .. the details of today and his mother.
He said this with regard to the fact that his mother will likely be discharged tomorrow and my extreme concern that she would be sent home alone. My opinion is that she SORELY needs to be sent to a Rehab place, NOT HOME. But that will fly when pigs do, with her. And so I was expressing that to him, his words: "Look I don't know how long til my sister can get here .. but can we bring mother here, just until sister can get here and take this on".
WTH?!?!?!?!?!
No, absolutely not. Have you not heard a thing I just said? No. She is not medication compliant, she is refusing all measures to help her .. as to her safety .. I am not a medical professional and ill equipped to take that on, no.
He then pulled this one on me: "I am the breadwinner for the family here .. can you go to work somewhere and earn enough to keep us afloat ... and I'LL stay here and take care of her then".
I said in response: "I don't have the earning capacity you do and you know that".
He said, "If I didn't have to work .. I'd stay here and keep her and look after her, but I have to go to work, or we all sink".
I responded to that: "Your sister doesn't need to take this on, honestly .. she needs around the clock medical professionals looking after this situation . not you .. not me .. but trained medical professionals".
He said: "You know she is not going to go from the hospital to a Rehab place, she will not agree to that .... what if I can get a couple of our church women to volunteer, God knows they have offered a million times .. if it's going to be just a few days .. until sister can get here .. then maybe on that time . covering that .. if they will stay with her, make sure she takes her meds, .. eats appropriately .. drinks appropriately .. and then at night .. I'll stay there, until sister gets here .. do you think that might work".
I said, "You'll play h*ll getting her to agree to that, I have suggested that all along that the women in our church know her situation and are more than willing as to helping out . and that has always met a brick wall .. you go for it.. if you think you can get her to agree to that for the few days we think it'll be before your sister can arrive here".
He said: "I'm going to tell mother when I see her, .. it's the above .. or it's a Rehab . but you are not going home, alone .. all to your ownself . .not happening".
So that's how it was left, he has left for that church meeting .. (his own accord as to the reasons why he thinks he JUST HAS TO BE THERE, at least for 5 mins) ... it's not them pushing him . he feels a responsibility to at least show up ..
What kind of altered state have I walked into here that I sit down with 5 mins time .. and explain the cognitive impairment, the combativeness with which she is exhibiting .. the impairment as to her mobility .. and he thinks .. can she stay here ....
WHAT?!??!?!?!?
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If that f***ing ambulance turns up at your house with MIL in it, is there somewhere for you to go? Can you go and stay with the grand babies, is there a spare room? Seriously. MIL walks into your home, you walk out. Mean it.
If he starts chatting to those good church ladies and they are (or affect to be) baffled that he's not taking his mother home with him until she's better... He's going to start wondering why he hadn't thought of that, too. Oh wait, he had thought of it! But you said no. He can't think why you said no. Perhaps you didn't mean it...
I'm not sure DH should be allowed out on his own until this is sorted.
If he thinks he can get his mother to agree to allowing (she has never agreed to that, it has been proposed by me 100 times or more) that the church ladies come in, in a few shifts over a few days ... to geriatric sit .. go for it. She will not agree to that, never has, and see above .. cognitive impairment (she will manage . that's her mantra even still as she refuses walker 100% of the time as recommended .. as she refuses Cognitive assessment and rehab .. as she refuses home PT .. so on and so forth) .. COGNITIVE IMPAIRMENT. She is not going to agree to that.
I don't know what to do at this point .. that they would release her and she is far too shifty at this point .. as to her mobility and her impairment IMO. But release her they will, to go home alone. And that's EXACTLY what she will want to do, and nothing less!
And anyone who has other ideas better pack a lunch, it's gonna be a fight.
So .. they release her .. I will more than likely be the one that picks her up . unless I insist that he do so ... (and he is so under the gun as to his work pace at this point) .. and so .. just go leave her there and wish her a good day .. and off I go .. and knowing she's been advised not to drive .. until cleared by docs . .which she scoffs at .. and that she is not going to use the walker that is recommended 100% of the time, nor is she going to see to any follow through as to Cognitive testing, etc .. and/or at home PT.
Okay bye bye now, have a good day.
That's why I say, what kinda altered universe have I walked into here.
And the alternative, according to DH .. is that we bring her here ??!????!?!?!?! Until SIL can get here to take over?!??!?!?
Has anyone talked to Discharge Planning?
She's NOT going anywhere until DH and SIL have an in person meeting with Discharge. She needs a more thorough COG assessment;OT said so.
Hospital needs to assure that the home she's going to is safe. OT needs to get out there to see it.
If hospital calls, tell the no one is signing her out until they can assure you she's safe and in home care is set up.
Please, please don't be the one to transport her. I am afraid if you do you will be in effect agreeing or supporting her decision. If H agrees to transport her then whether he knows it or not he's picking up the baton.
What if no one agrees to transport her? Will the hospital discharge her without a responsible person to care for her at her home or at least transport her?
The ideal thing would be for her to go to rehab, be non compliant and write her own ticket to the nice facility where your daughter works.
I know, I know, she refuses rehab.
Start slapping up the "do not enter" tape across the yellow bedroom door. Anything to keep her out of the yellow bedroom.
Bravo on your conversation with SIL! As others have said "she's run for the hills"! She is in no big hurry to rush over and deal with MIL.
I'd be tempted to play hard ball and tell DH that he needs to be the one picking MIL up and taking her home. You might just need to have to help DD and the babies the day of discharge. I fear that you picking her up and taking her home, knowing she can't be alone is going to pull you back into the quicksand.
At some point, children of self centered parents need to realize that when their parent's choices are now requiring significant work and time, the children are allowed to have say in these choices. And at that point, it can no longer be just what the parent wants but also what is possible for the child to do, with other responsibilities.
BTW, you're doing great - a lot of folks would've caved by now.
Discuss with the H & SIL that her blood vessels are fragile and she could very well have a stroke next vs a TIA and she needs medical supervision in a rehab with skilled care being provided 24/7.
I had a feeling H was going to ask you again to let her come to your home. Don't buckle under their attempt to guilt you. It's not over yet Dorker. Hopefully your husband won't let her come to your home regardless of your well stated position due to pressure from MIL & SIL and he buckles under their guilt trip. I too agree that SIL isn't high tailing it 1000 miles too quickly as she dreads what's ahead. Why should she when you've filled that role for many years?
Go see you dd and the babies, that was your original plan. H & SIL will naturally assume your daughter doesn't need you anymore as you have been visibly available to him, being around with time to go to the hospital and wait for the docs to round and never show up.
I think Dorker has stated her MIL does not have the funds for AL, so it's a NH or bust - or the "yellow bedroom", which is looking good to the H and SIL right about now.
Detach, stick to yours guns, as stated throwing teaspoons of water on a fire to put it out won't work this time. Avoiding the inevitable AGAIN are the siblings.
You are between a rock and a hard place.
I am so happy you told SIL that you are "out" of assuring she gets the correct level of care, that you love them but won't stand by and allow them to skate around the real issue here. Your MIL has serious health issues as diagnosed during this stay. Why aren't her blood thinners working? It's not "failed therapy" -it's your MIL not taking her meds as prescribed. Her lower extremity swelling could have progressed to a cellulitis which could be why had white count was elevated. She is too sick IMO to be discharged.
She sounds pretty rude to the hospital staff as well. As if they will suffer the consequences if she skips her meds or can't walk to the bathroom safely. She is not going to use a cane nor a walker when she gets discharged no matter where she ends up. She even told the therapists that!
So sorry you are going through this as it's tough. It's a challenge to your marriage - MIL is causing stress in your marriage due to the pressure she is putting on your husband. That whole mindset that the non working woman should be available to pick up everyone's slack, those who think they can dictate to you what is important and those who feel justified in assuming they can determine just how you should use your time are selfish. Just because you are not punching a clock doesn't mean you are available to be dumped on 24/7. Give me a break - it's 2017.
How sure of it are you that she'll be discharged tomorrow? She isn't even stable. They will let her go only if the family assumes and agrees to the responsibility of her care and acquises to the matriarch. H & SIL still think that's you.
I wouldn't let them discharge her home. She clearly needs to be supervised & her kids are still in total denial. Have your husband and SIL ask for a meeting with the D.C. planner and let them know she lives alone. Conference SIL in if she hasn't made it there yet.
Oh brother. H & SIL still don't get it, do they? They are truly in the "Twilight Zone".
Pick her up? "I absolutely will not do that, maybe a church lady who is not the wicked witch of the west will do?"
Pack your bag Dorker, your Mil has won already, divided you from your husband's loyalty and respect.
If you have anything left in that caregiver's magic bag, take it to the hospital with you now. Have the mindset that you are going to assist and rescue Mil (from herself) and get her admitted to a rehab "just until her daughter can arrive". Never resist an opposing force.
D I S C H A R G E. P L A N N E R. N O W.
I missed your post about your short discussion with H. Breadwinning, church ladies,etc. He is grasping for straws isn't he.
What a mess. Pretty common mess for several of us. This is usually the point where the adult children put their foot down concerning rehab.
Good Luck with H tonight and keep us posted.
But it is not for her to decide that her son, DIL and daughter actively support her bad choice. DH says "you know she won't go to rehab." Well, that's up to her, true. But it's up to *him* whether he steps up and tells her bluntly that he will not lift a finger to assist her in a decision that is risky for her and stressful for everyone who cares about her. "Mother, you can make this choice, that's your right; but it is a bad one and I will not support you in it." He needs to make this equally clear to the discharge team, that if MIL goes home she does so without family agreement, and they will have to assist her in finding alternative help.
Why is he so supine and defeatist when it's his mother's wellbeing at stake? And Dorker don't you dare go and collect her, and don't let DH do it either. If she still wants to go home you can't stop her - but you can make her have to call a cab, at least.
As to allies in the church .. the one woman the other day told him it's no longer sufficient that he let her call the shots as to whether she is transported and evaluated .. that can't be left in her court anymore, too impaired. So . yes, . ally on that front.
But as to staying there and volunteering to help out .. I dunno.
They have all been wonderfully supportive in all of it, in that they have offered, several of them, numerous times as they watch that I fly in that direction constantly putting out fires and DH to a lesser extent (until recently). All of them very aware and likely have done the same with their own parents somewhere along the line and fought this battle.
They have all offered, .. along the way, "if your mother would like me to take her to a doctor appointment, or go get her groceries, or take her dog to the vet for her or groomer, or go pick up rx's .. anything you need .............".
They've all been very gracious to offer all along the way as they watch this constant chaos. The answer has always been, "if only". MIL .. (thus the whole premise for this thread .. the frustration in dealing with MIL) MIL has always been about, "Don't you dare enlist those people from your church, you send them this way and I won't open the door .. I don't want people coming in here .. I can do this, now don't worry about me, I can manage and I'll be just fine".
So there hasn't ever been even an opportunity to see if that would work in any way.
I wouldn't let MIL call the shots the way that SIl and DH have done . if it were my mom, she'd do without .. or she'd let "others" help. She would find out real fast that's what I'm about. "Oh you don't want so and so to help .. because you don't know her .. well what about your neighbor, no . you don't want outsiders helping, .. well I guess what you need/want is not all that important, not gonna do that .. you're gonna let people that have offered help or you're gonna do without".
I don't have any qualms about saying that to my mother. But .. the whole premise of this thread, them letting her call the shots .. CONTINUALLY. EVEN here, right now .. in the face of all that has occurred, me trying to tell DH she doesn't need to be released to come home .. she needs to go to Rehab .. and him then throwing out (because he knows she won't agree to doing that, and he's right she won't) .. but rather than stand firm with her, he's wanting to once again, throw the ball in my court, .. can she come stay here for a few days until sister can get her.
UHM what part of NO the other times did you not get?
So I knew when he threw that out there, "I'll get those nice ladies at the church, see if we can't set up some kinda shift thing for the next few days .. and someone can be with her during the day and I'll stay at night".
Yea you go! I knew that his mother would flat out refuse that.
The problem is his and his sister's refusal to stand firm with her and tell her where the water hits the wheel. That's the whole premise here. I hop up and down for months on end, stating my case that things are worsening, need more help .. and I'm told, "well let's hope.....", or "she won't let" or "she is so stubborn", or MIL with the "I will manage".
NOBODY will dig in their heels and address this thing, and it's somehow suitable that I get asked again .. "can she come stay here". NO!!!!!!!!!!!
Put on your big boy undies and go get tough with your mom as to her well being and care, how about that for a concept.
As it turns out .. (and no this is in no way a final solution) .. SIL will be flying in tomorrow. I still don't think she should be released tomorrow. I stand firm that she should have to go to Rehab .. and that I'm not opposed to putting that bug in the ears of the powers-that-be there at the hospital. But .. SIL ... "I'll be there and hopefully I can get some things done as to getting her to agree to some of the things they want seen to".
Yet again, let's throw band-aids at a gash a mile wide.
Tell them that MIL should really be taking advantage of the opportunity to go to rehab, learn to use a walker, find out what's going on with her brain, her carotids.
You know, God helps those who help themselves, and who take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. She being quite prideful right now, isn't she?
Church ladies should and hopefully will take the stance "we'd love to help out, but when your mom is stronger, and is following doctors orders as to meds and assistive devices like walkers.
Otherwise, they are putting themselves in harm's way. Is MIL going to grab them on the way down?
Just yesterday I was assisting MIL with the potty .. getting out of the bed and helping her to access her underdrawers (it's all she can do to stand .. much less now use her hands to pull her pants down), I was having to assist her to that degree .. that much .. and she went to swaying and I grabbed for her, to keep her from falling and felt my back wrench.
Fortunately for all, it wasn't serious. Back hurt momentarily but has "righted" itself, thank goodness. But that was a quick flash of a reminder .. why this is way way above my pay grade here. And yes I did tell DH that story, but not til he got in about midnight last night, absolutely exhausted .. and he could barely put one foot in front of the other to get his shower and crawl in bed.
Yes, she could very easily injure one of the nice folks from the church. These are older retired women .. 60's, 70's.